Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Friday, 29 July 2011


I don't have a telly. I haven't had one for years. There are one or two programs on it worth watching, in my opinion. I like the wildlife ones if they're good. Also there is a bit of entertainment and drama. And a whole lot of adverts.

I threw mine out of the door one day.

I don't have to buy a licence any more. If there is anything good, like Life on Mars, I buy it on DVD then I can watch it again if I want. And pause it. And stuff. The licence fee is a choice. It is NOT a tax. No telly, no fee. So don't moan. Do something about it. If you want to.

So, anyway. If you like your telly, then that's fine. Of course it is. I find that since I dumped it I have loads of spare time. And I do loads of stuff.

My stupid hashtag, #NoTelly, on Twitter was some suggestions of stuff, all of which I do, which you could consider trying. Or you can veg away in front of the box.

The government like you to do that. What sort of state makes it mandatory to screen crap like party political broadcasts anyway? They love it.

They've got you.

They haven't got me.



Sometimes I sort of quite enjoy being unique. I know everyone is, but I don't seem to "get" anything that's going on.

And I am not a good example of anything here, don't think I am. I am the proponent/victim/result of at least three failed marriages, and those are just the ones in which I've been a spouse.

But, this. I don't understand this. Dates.

When I were a lad we used to do stuff. We used to go to school, uni (not me cos I iz thick), pubs, clubs, whatevs.  It was OK.

School was a bit shit cos the headmaster used to drive a pink MG and call the boys "little gnome", and he was pretty much a useless sack of shit. He's probably dead now, but his name was E.P.Dewar. The cunt. It was a mixed school so there were gurls. Most of them were cleverer than me (as were most boys) so they went to uni and stuff.

I won't say about Uni cos I didn't go.

Pubs were OK. You could smoke in them and they had jukeboxes and bar billiards and darts. Sometimes we streaked in the car park as well, until my mate Tim slid down the bonnet of my A35 on to the "Flying A" and separated his bollocks on it. Oof.

Clubs were many and varied. We had bands and that kind of thing which was nice. Mainly amateur bands, like Lindisfarne, Deep Purple, Genesis, The Stranglers. Couldn't hear a bloody thing anyone said.

We used to go to Winkworth Arboretum and jump in the lake and do barbecues and have picnics. And play tennis down the local courts. The magistrates used to get a bit upset about it but we didn't give a fuck.

We were mates. There were gurls and there were boys. There was me and Tim and Alistair and Mark and Nick and Dave. There was Maxine and Donna and Lesley and Debbie and Sally. There were various others who drifted in and out, and in and out. We did daft stuff. We went to the seaside now and again, hired a coach, got slung out of the pub, came home again. We had laughs. Never hurt anyone.

We knew each other for years, us lot. Some of the boys fell in love with some of the girls. That was eons ago. They are still together. That's nice.

Now, what seems to happen, and honestly, it didn't used to, not where I was brung up, is that people "date". They meet people of their sex of choice, specifically to see if they are going to be partners, when they know sod all about them. Which I think is a recipe for a load of bollocks.

Why do they do this? Someone tell this poor old Pengy?


One of us has the wrong idea about Twitter.

This "follower" thing. Piers Morgan has a million. I have around 500. I used to have more but then I got pissed off and deleted my account. That's quite fun, 'cos when you set another one up the screen goes blank. Cool.

Half of the Twits who follow me aren't real. I can't be arsed to delete them. I don't even know HOW to delete them. Half of the rest are weirdos, like me.

There is kerfuffle on Twitter today because apparently it's unfollowing people for fun. SNORK.

People who care about how many followers they've got are probably a bit sad. Actually, they're probably very sad. Amateur wannabee media whore sad. Ah well.

Here is a simple guide to how to get followed by me, in case you care.

Easy way: make sure your avi has a picture of decent Norks, or legs, and simply say hello.

Harder way: if you don't have to hand a set of Norks, or legs. Say something funny. Or clever. Or both.

How not to get followed, or to get unfollowed: simply talk about followers and virtually nothing else. Or ASK to be followed.

I don't look at #ff's. Only if they're funny or clever. Or have Norks in. Definitely NOT if they're from ffhelper or in a big list.

If someone RT's something from someone which makes me ROFL, PMSL or SNORK, I will probably follow the one who originally tweeted it, too.

Hope this helps. WHY anyone would want me following them I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.

Thursday, 28 July 2011


Ed Miliband, please hold my hand
And lead us to the promised land.
You lost the fight, I know not how
We've got the coalition now.

But now you've had you nose done up
And we know we've been sold a pup
It really is a piece of shit
There was no way of stopping it.

That Blair was such a polished turd
And Brown unpolished, so I've heard
And you're the guy to lead us by
Still waters, Ed, it's time to fly.

We want you sire, to bring the fire
Of Labour, this is our desire,
To win for us, to drive the bus
That Cameron is such a wuss.

Your brother's fucked, you did him in
The knife was in your very kin.

We want you now to be in front
Yes, even though you're such a cunt.

That Blair was such a polished turd
And Brown unpolished, so I've heard
And you're the guy to lead us by
Still waters, Ed, it's time to fly.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011



Apparently, the EU has some sort of undefined, unlimited power to restrict criticism in the general interest of the communities

Which is a bit of a shame, because I was going to mention that it's a huge financial drain, a failed experiment in trying to emulate the USA but with dozens of different languages, currencies, unelected Presidents, unaudited accounts, and I hope it crashes and burns.

But I can't now.



I would like to pay more tax, please.

Not for long, just a couple of years, to sort some shit out.

This is how I would like it to be.

I would like to see a detailed job description, a statement of work done, hours worked and expenses and salary paid for every civil servant. I would like to decide which, if any, I would like to keep, then get rid of the rest.

I would then like to see a statement of what the country owes, and to whom, and under what terms, and would like to tell rather a lot of them to shove it up their collective bottoms. The rest I would like to renegotiate, and I would not give a bollocks about what that did to our wonderful credit rating, as we would not then need to borrow any more.

I would then like to use the extra tax to pay off the ones that really did need paying off, if any.

Then I would like to leave it like that. And if anyone in government ever ran up a bill again, I would like them to be put up against a wall and shot.

I would like to pay more tax, like that, please.



I'm only posting this so you can call me a racist.

I work in Northamptonshire. It's pretty much the home of the boot and shoe industry of England. Or it was.

We have a footie club, called Rushden and Diamonds. It was in the Conference League and I believe is now in a division. Or something.

It's owned, pretty much, by Griggs. Griggs make Doc Marten's. Favoured by the skinheads of the 70's, and workmen the world over. It employed 3000 people. They made stuff.

Griggs still make DMs. But not here. Not in England. They're made in the Far East now. And they're shit. No, really, they're shit. And cheaper. We used to get "seconds" from the factory shop at R&D's ground. They were mint. Now the ones in the shop are worse than the seconds, and the seconds are two pairs for a fiver and worth every penny of a pound.

Griggs are richer.

This places is a shithole filled with unemployed people, right next door to Corby which is also full of unemployed people, but with Scots accents even though they've never been north of the Watford Gap services.

That's good. Isn't it?

So I'm a racist.

Also I don't care about the starving people of China. Or whatever.

I *do* know, for a fact, that now these DMs get made by poor sods on a bowl of rice a day, while some fat cunt, who is now a brown or yellow person instead of a pink person, gets richer and richer.

So call me a racist.

Go on.

Either that or come up with some equally ridiculous lefty bollocks about the world being one big melting pot.

Or come and see me one Saturday night, and I'll show you what a shithole you can turn a place into, in the name of greed.

Bring a kevlar jacket and a weapon of some sort. Book early to avoid disappointment.

Monday, 25 July 2011


None of you buggers argued with my democracy thingy. Down there. Maybe. Or here

I assume, therefore, you didn't read it, or that you agree with it, at least to some extent.

I am a simple person. Not thick. Simple. I believe in simple. I am an engineer of sorts. Engineering, that's mechanical, software, biomedical, you name it, is simple. It's logic. It's where a thing has to work. It will work. It works if you do it right. If you do it wrong, it doesn't work. It kills people and it goes bang.

Politics is simple too. It is messy if it isn't right. It's taught by people who've never done it, using theories unproven, in schools and universities around the world, to people who want to be nobs. And talk bollocks. Hope you're with me so far.

So. England. Where I live. We have democracy.

Apparently we have democracy. We ARE a democracy. And we aren't getting democracy. Sounds a bit daft, but that's the way I see this.

Still with me? Hope so.

Then, this:

We are offered a democracy, which we aren't getting. And to which we are entitled. Therefore, in simple, logical steps, we should have the democracy to which we are entitled. And as we are not getting it delivered, we should take it.

Now, I'm not saying Norway or any shit like that, because that is just deplorable, nutjobby. murderous cock.

I'm thinking just a plain, easy, straightforward "er, hold on, what's all this bollocks, no, I'm not subscribing to this wool-pulling pomp and circumstance God Save The Queen (part-owned by the EU)" codswallop that we have now.

Anyone arguing yet?

Please tell.


Hey ho.

Democracy, eh?

Churchill (Winston, cigar-wielding who was PM in the wartime coalition) said "... democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried."

It was just after he'd been voted out. A vote of thanks for the war effort, you know? He was actually a bit of an upper-class cove, was Winnie, but hey?

Anyway, my point. As those of you who know penguins will be aware, I write this shite so people can correct me. I'm not at all cocky. I'm often wrong.

But this is what I think. At the moment.

Democracy means people power (from the Greek). That's a laugh, in itself. That it's people power. And Greek. Two laughs, right there.

Anyway, it means that you get a choice, and make it. I'd like to try that form of government, I would.

Because, dear reader, at the moment you get a choice of two and a bit. You get Conservative, or Tory, and you get Labour, or Socialist, and you get the other bit which is Liberal, or Nick Clegg.

Now, please don't think this is right, but DO tell me how wrong I am.

Conservatives are posh. Or, to put it another way, people who live in England with jobs or half a chance of getting one.

Labour are Scottish, Welsh, career educationalists and other people who like that way of life. Or unemployed and probably unemployable and with no qualms about doing absolutely fuckall for the whole of their natural lives. There are also some who think that the Tories are evil but they have jobs so they become champagne socialists. Believe me, that isn't meant to be rude.

Liberals truly think that there is another way. I think that they mostly think the other lot are shite, and so do I, but somehow think the Liberals (Nick Clegg) are different. I don't.

As I see it, people are either scared of Labour getting in (I know I am), or scared of the Tories getting in (I know I am), and if they're not scared they either vote Liberal (Nick Clegg) or emigrate.

And now it's worse. Labour are Tories, and Conservatives are Labiral Dimocrats. And Nick Clegg would sell his grandmother.

ALL they give a toss about is POWER. My MP told me that in not quite so many words.

And you know what? I might be a penguin, but I love democracy. I honestly think we should give it a go. Because Churchill was right then. And he's still right now.

Somebody put me straight?


There is a virus going about. Actually, no, it's a worm. Not really, it's only an Iraq moment.

It's that thing where someone who you follow sends you a Direct Message, or "DM", saying something you can't resist clicking on, unless you're me, accompanied by text such as "This MUST be a picture of you!" (of course it fucking isn't) or "Wow! This is amazing!" (of course it fucking isn't).

They change the message every now and again. One day it might say "free pies!" and then John Prescott will be sucked in too.

When you click on it, you go to a Twitter sign-in page. But it isn't Twitter. Then, like the fool that you are, you type in your user name and password. Then YOU send everyone a DM too!

And then YOU are the bastard, until some other gullible twat does it. then they forget you.


Oh. For fuck's sake, how stupid ARE people, exactly?

Never mind.

Monday, 11 July 2011


Here is idiocy.

I am working at a food factory. It makes ingredients. It doesn't make food as such, not like what ends up on the shelf and what customers buy.

It is owned by a huge, inefficient, incompetent corporation. The huge incompetent corporation makes food that does end up on the shelves.

In a very few of the factories that make the end product, you know, the ones who make things which have to say "serving suggestion" because the table upon which the product is displayed isn't actually included in the packet, and the jars and tins that have to say that nuts might have once been within fourteen miles of said factory, there could, thought it is inconceivable, arise a situation whereby a bristle falls off a brush and ends up in the jar of whatever crap product it is, and then someone could eat it and DIE, and then the unblemished record of Health and Safety would be tarnished.

And therefore we are not allowed to have brushes. And therefore, within a week, the place will be swarming with lice and rats and there will be a plague of locusts. And a holocaust.

For fuck's fucking sake.

The world is mad.

Fuck them.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011


Oooer, missus.

Scary one. I said I'd blog about feminism, so I have to, now. Argh.

Feminism. It's about equal things: rights, votes, opportunities, stuff.

Problem I have is that I don't vote, so I can't comment on that bit. I despise politicians, what they do and what they stand for. Because all they want to do is to control and rob. So fuck them.

Rights? Right to vote? Got that. Right to work? Got that too. Right to the kids when a marriage breaks up? Pretty automatic, as is robbing the bloke of the house and anything else he may have worked his bollocks off for.

So. Opportunities? OK. I'm all for equal opportunities. I know some women who can carry a hod full of bricks. But not many. I also know some who can deal with high-level stress. But not many.

Thing is, women are not men. As men are not women. Women still have kids in the species homo sapiens. Men don't. Not yet. I hope to fuck they never do, although some of the changes "for the better" that I've seen since I was a youngster do really fuck me over.

My mum was a nurse. When she had me, cos I'm the oldest of four, she stopped working. I think most mums did in the olden days. She did stuff in the house. She wanted to do that. I liked it and so did my brother and sisters because there was always someone there. My dad went to work. I knew some kids at school whose mum went to work, but not that many of them. Some of them had mums who did other stuff, like teaching, which was handy because they worked school hours and took the kids home with them. To be honest, there weren't really that many huge companies around then. Which was nice, because most companies were run by people who had some idea what they made and had some interest in it.

It's different nowadays. Most women work even when they've had kids. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously, except that there aren't twice as many jobs as there used to be. Therefore the jobs had to be created. Easy to do, all you have to do is to take half the money everyone gets and give it to the other half and make up a job. Awesome plan.

So, that's done. And women can be hod carriers if they want. Also they can be engineers. I know some really good engineer women. They can never be programmers, because their brains don't work right. I know this. I'm expecting a kicking. Nor can the French, come to that. So it's not misogyny.

Women can be chief executives. That's fine, because with all the HR and shit there is in companies these days, if the shit hits the fan and they want to cry, they can, and they'll get counselling. Won't help the company much, but hey?

But, to be honest, the women I have seen in top positions have got there because they're hard-nosed bitches. Women can be much harder like that than men can. And if they are, then that's fine too. I will run a mile if a woman gets angry. If I get angry, you'll know about it. It gets dealt with. In seconds. If a woman gets on one, all hell breaks loose. It goes on for days. And women can say things I just wouldn't say.

So, feminism. Good thing. All in all.

What's bad about it is the way it's going. Norway is showing the way, they have a LAW that DEMANDS that 30% of high-earning positions go to women. Not to people who are most capable. Women. THAT is just fucking stupid. Perhaps 10% should go to black lesbians. Another 10% to people who only have one leg. Or maybe 5% to people with the left leg missing and 5% with the right leg missing. Or something. Load of arbitrary bollocks. Jobs should go to the people who will do them best. And if that happens to be a woman, then fine. Why not?

Here's the other bad thing about feminism.

Most of the activists (I hate that word as much as I hate activists) are catapult-fed and look like blokes. Not all. I know several who are FAR from that. I'm not saying who the catapult-fed blokey ones ARE, because you know already. Don't you? They should shut the fuck up. And get a proper job.

That's what I think.

Now beat me up.