tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39617837349748410632024-03-13T17:45:53.306+00:00BollogsMostly, a load of bollogs. Occasionally, a glimmer of truth. If you find one, let me know.Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.comBlogger437125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-90321147491898642082019-08-28T20:34:00.002+01:002019-08-28T20:34:55.727+01:00ProrogationWhether we leave with or without<br />
A deal, in the grand scheme of things<br />
Matters little.<br />
<br />
We are here for spit. Like a leaf<br />
Upon a branch, upon a bush.<br />
Come wintertime, it falls.<br />
To be regrown in spring.<br />
<br />
Our children might in future<br />
Rejoin. And maybe, not.<br />
We do not know what comes.<br />
We only know what has gone before.<br />
<br />
Time, like an arrow, moves<br />
Unerringly, relentlessly, forward.<br />
Fruit flies, inevitably<br />
Like a banana.<br />
<br />
Cider is nice.<br />
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-62663409914665641582018-11-05T20:14:00.003+00:002018-11-05T20:14:54.970+00:0011/11Here is what I think.<br />
<br />
You don't have to think it, nor do you have to agree with it. It's what I think.<br />
<br />
I want to say it. You don't have to read it.<br />
<br />
Next Sunday marks the end of World War One. World War One, the Great War, was probably best described in the Blackadder Goes Forth TV programme.<br />
<br />
Times were different then. We (the Noble Britons) were sitting here minding our own business, having invaded everything worth invading, and all of a sudden there was a WAR. The Germans, mainly. I am sure that the brave Tommies (no, not that idiot) were being patriotic. They were doing their "duty". They were defending us from whatever the evil was that was upon us.<br />
<br />
Sadly, there were those brave Tommies. but also there were Ruperts, bravely issuing orders from the safety of their HQs for the braves to march to their certain deaths.<br />
<br />
The higher up the tree you went the less chance you had of being brutally mutilated.<br />
<br />
There was then another War. World War Two. Germany again, the buggers.<br />
<br />
Same stuff but with more technology and bigger bangs.<br />
<br />
War is shit.<br />
<br />
Anyway, this is the unpopular bit. Us Noble Britons have an Army. They couldn't really fight off much in the way of Nukes, nor any decent power such as The You Ess Of Ay. Or Russia. You can argue, but you'll lose.<br />
<br />
We try to be nice to folk who would beat us. Then we do marching. And we do Pomp And Circumstance better than many.<br />
<br />
My point, though, is this.<br />
<br />
There are two kinds of Armed Forces folk. One is the Public School Rupert who couldn't make it as an Estate Agent. The other is the Sec Mod Tommy who couldn't make it as a milkman.<br />
<br />
And now you all hate me.<br />
<br />
And you know what? I don't care. I will never forget that day when I, as a young and impressionable Plod, scraped this lad out of a doorway, holding up a sign saying "I am deaf", after he had been beaten to within an inch of his life by squaddies from 2 Para, on a weekend off. At least three of them. Because they thought it was big and clever.<br />
<br />
Fuck those people.<br />
<br />
I shall remember those brave and noble folk, from a very different time, and be grateful that they died, mainly in vain, for us to be here today. RIP, you lads and lasses; at the going of the sun, and in the morning, I will remember you. Thank you so much.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-75446293846464903842018-04-24T08:39:00.001+01:002018-04-24T08:39:19.936+01:00ARGHC Geeks ... why does this say "... MVAP=0 ..." when it clearly isn't?<br />
<br />
I'm either pissed from last night or I just can't see properly.<br />
<br />
ARGH<br />
<br />
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<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-47500365993345398362018-04-11T17:43:00.001+01:002018-04-11T17:49:50.279+01:00HashAs I totally nailed it yesterday, here is my amazing corned beef hash recipe.<br />
<br />
Ingredients:<br />
<br />
Two onions, chopped up fairly small.<br />
Two green peppers, chopped into largish chunks, seeds in, stalks and cores out.<br />
Large spud, peeled and chopped up in large chunks.<br />
Tin of corned beef, chopped into 16 lumps.<br />
Veg oil (not engine).<br />
Worcestershire sauce, one big splosh.<br />
<br />
Method:<br />
<br />
Boil spuds, turn off as soon as they have. Do not drain spuds, yet.<br />
<br />
Mix peppers and onion and oil and Worcestershire Sauce and heat as low as can be for an hour. Really. An hour. With the lid on, stirring if they stick.<br />
<br />
Drain now-cold spuds and add to stuff.<br />
<br />
Heat until spuds are hot (about 5-10 minutes) on REALLY LOW.<br />
<br />
Add corned beef for about 5 minutes, stirring a bit, as it disintegrates.<br />
<br />
Result:<br />
<br />
Nom.<br />
<br />
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-16454046574296989892017-12-14T18:12:00.002+00:002017-12-14T18:12:53.840+00:00FriendsI have two friends.<br />
<br />
One of them works on a farm and he gets paid by the farmer.<br />
<br />
One of them doesn't work, but I get him to do jobs for me and give him some money.<br />
<br />
They live in my house.<br />
<br />
The one who works on a farm pays me some of the money that the farmer gives him.<br />
<br />
The one who does some jobs for me doesn't pay me. That's fine, because he does some jobs for me.<br />
<br />
I guess everyone thinks that's fair? I hope so. I think it is.<br />
<br />
========================<br />
<br />
I have another option. I can pay the one who does jobs for me as much extra as the farm worker pays me. Then he can give me it back.<br />
<br />
That would be equally fair, but fairly stupid from both our points of view.<br />
<br />
========================<br />
<br />
Unrelated, people who work for the government think they pay tax in the same way as ordinary people do. Same goes for people on benefits.<br />
<br />
I'm saying nothing.<br />
<br />
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-36612298863176031902017-11-09T19:07:00.002+00:002017-11-09T19:07:38.681+00:00BossThis might be a bit niche.<br />
<br />
It was funny to me.<br />
<br />
I was in a room with the boss today, and he suggested that we might develop the next generation of a product that we make. He asked me what I thought.<br />
<br />
I said to him that I thought that the only problem that we'd have is in the decisions as to the way it was done. I said that I thought that it would end up being driven by people who really didn't understand the market, the customers, the requirements, and who would overrule any sensible development decisions that we might otherwise take.<br />
<br />
He smiled, and said:<br />
<br />
"I'm pretty sure they'll let me me make the decisions on all aspects of this."<br />
<br />
I looked at him, askance. I nodded, slowly.<br />
<br />
The smile disappeared from his face. Imperceptibly slowly.<br />
<br />
It was replaced by a look of realisation.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-13665624554625646202017-10-12T19:31:00.002+01:002017-10-12T19:31:42.807+01:00RiskAt the risk of upsetting at least everyone, God, and his dog, I feel I must say this.<br />
<br />
Please bear with me, or fuck off, I don't honestly care which if your name isn't Julie.<br />
<br />
There was a referendum, recentylyish. It was about whether the "people" wanted to stay in the EU. It was brought about because politicians didn't have the bollocks to do anything else, and UKIP (wankers) said if they got in, then they would do it.<br />
<br />
David "Pigfucker" Cameron did it, then went balls-out to tell people to vote "NO", which they didn't, because they didn't like him.<br />
<br />
They lost. And Brexit happened. And Pigfucker lost his job.<br />
<br />
I didn't vote. I never do. I don't like to encourage the wankers.<br />
<br />
I don't actually care, I don't value money much, I have enough of it to live on. I don't make money out of money and despise people who do.<br />
<br />
Now it's all ratshit, the pound is worth about a pound.<br />
<br />
The new Prime Arsehole, Ms May, has had a sodding election, she basically lost.<br />
<br />
Now they're having another fucking referendum in case they win. Lose. Whatevs.<br />
<br />
Please stop me saddling up the gnus and running amok.<br />
<br />
And stop voting. Please do that.Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-79072432006469745872017-10-11T19:23:00.001+01:002017-10-11T19:23:58.029+01:00Dear RachaelMay I call you Jon?<br />
<br />
I only ask because that's your name. You may call me Pengy, or Paul, for that is mine.<br />
<br />
I don't normally respond to people personally, for I am busy, earning money to fund myself, my family and you.<br />
<br />
But you posted this, and said "admit it, you know someone like this."<br />
<br />
https://twitter.com/Rachael_Swindon/status/917995384458416128<br />
<br />
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<br />
I'm not any sort of wing. I will admit to understanding what a weapons-grade crock of irredeemable carnage any kind of socialism causes in any country within only a few years, so I guess you could say I err on the side of sensibility. I think you would call me right-wing, though I'm not.<br />
<br />
I'm not any sort of class. I work. I am not management. My dad went hungry so we didn't.<br />
<br />
I am not disabled or anything. I expect I will be one day.<br />
<br />
Let me talk about the points you mention in your very clever graphic. I've corrected the punctuation where appropriate.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><b>"Thinks singing the National Anthem should be compulsory"</b><br />I think it's a dirge. It suggests that some beardy skyfairy should look after the unelected head of state and leader of the Church. I like the Queen (this one, and the one led by Freddie) and I think she does a great job. She costs me 20p a year and has a nice hat.</li>
<li><b>Votes to destroy the NHS despite the fact his entire family depends on it"</b><br />The NHS is a brilliant idea. It is fabulous when you pop into the doctors with your head hanging off, and they stitch it back on. If it could be stripped of 796 layers of sponging management it would be quite efficient. Aneurin would be spinning in his grave if he could see the level of piss to which it is subjected. My mum was a nurse. Both my sisters were nurses. My daughter is a nurse who had to study at night to get a degree under the Mr Tony Blair (Labour) government just to keep her job as sister in a NHS hospital. She is very good at that job. I love her to bits.</li>
<li><b>Thinks he's a patriot but votes for the party that is asset-stripping the country.</b><br />A patriot is someone who thinks or some godforsaken reason that the country in which he was born is somehow sacrosanct, whose Army and other "forces" are somehow "heroes" by default, and who will, at all costs, back it up even when it arserapes him for money and power. That isn't me either, although I know very many women who would be quite happy to land a squaddie/fireman because they think that wielding a gun/hose and a fancy uniform will make him automatically a wonderful lover. Tell me more about these assets, like the gold that Gordon Brown (Labour) sold for tenpence on the dollar.</li>
<li><b>Thinks the human rights act is political correctness gone mad.</b><br />The human rights act is a UK law. It lets you defend your rights in UK courts and compels public organisations (including the Government, police and local councils) to treat everyone equally, with fairness, dignity and respect. That's it. Show me a government (any one) that treats people thus. Or a policeman. Or a council. It is far from political correctness, it is politicians' <i>carte blanche</i> to do what they like to you, because it says virtually nothing.</li>
<li><b>Thinks "mass uncontrolled immigration" is a Labour Policy.</b><br />Any EU National is allowed into the UK to work, study or live freely under the EU EEA directive of 2006, when Tony Blair (Labour) was Prime Minister. Any other bastard is allowed in providing they have got themselves an EU passport and can swim.</li>
<li><b>Obsessed with crime but votes for the party that cut 20,000 police officers</b><br />I don't really have time to describe the case of Paul Chambers, or any of the other myriad "criminals" who have been brought to "justice" by the Police Officers we have left, when they are not publicising their rainbow-coloured Pridemobiles. Police officers arrest people. I was one (a police officer and someone arrested) so I know. I understand that the Labour Party would bring in 72% of the population at a cost to the taxpayer of £3 year each but I personally don't think this is realistically viable.</li>
<li><b>Likes to think he's affected by Labour's proposed tax on £80K a year</b><br />I am not, sadly. My MD is. Were it not for my MD, I would not have work. I respect the job he does, which is a very responsible one. I do not believe he has all day to dick about on Twitter and call himself Rachael when his name is Jon, but feel free to correct me if you can find out.</li>
<li><b>Froths at the mouth with rage when people protest against the Government</b><br />I agree with this. I think all of them should be strung up by the knackers with piano wire. Please make this happen. But, at the same time, please don't think that any protest (using the same techniques) should not be brought against the frothing hate-filled bastards who are now in opposition, if they ever get to power.</li>
<li><b>Actually thinks Hitler was a socialist.</b><br />In times of deep economic crisis and instability, rising uncontrolled inflation, and huge unemployment, there is no alternative to socialism. People will vote for it, as long as the proponent is a competent speaker and will promise them unicorn farts, delivered to their door, and a big lake. This is why they voted for Hitler. Hitler was not actually a socialist, he was a cunt. But if he'd said "vote for me, for I am a cunt" he would not have been so successful. So, instead, and cunningly, he said he was a socialist. I have to leave the ball in your court, lovely Rachael (sorry, Jon) on this one.</li>
<li><b>Thinks poor people are "taking the piss" if they own a widescreen TV.</b><br />The problem with this last point is that poor people are welcome to own a widescreen TV. I don't have one. The only piss there is to be taken if I, as a poor person, am paying for a TV for them, of whatever wideness.</li>
</ul>
<div>
As ever, thank you for reading. Please tell Jon.</div>
Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-53159668993972466412017-08-30T12:37:00.001+01:002017-08-30T12:37:22.412+01:00GuardianThe Tories are cruel.<br />
<br />
When I were a lad, we had free school milk. I can't drink milk now, because the smell of it reminds me of when it was in the playground on sunny days, and against the radiator indoors in the winter.<br />
<br />
If I knew then, as I know now, that the reason for this was to encourage the growth of bacteria to curdle the milk, thus putting off the unsuspecting children and thus saving public money, I would have been more proud of my lofty position of "milk monitor" and, if necessary, force fed my peers, nasally, with a bicycle pump instead of helping them to dispose of the product in plant pots and down the drains.<br />
<br />
But no. I literally swallowed the idea that this milk was our blessed government's way of showing us that they loved us and looked after us.<br />
<br />
And all was well, until the epitome of evil, Margaret Thatcher, took away the milk. And started a war with Germany. Or was it the Argentinians?<br />
<br />
That's why I hate the Tories. They are vile, uncaring scumbags who are trying to destroy the NHS by stopping people having operations to become what they want to be, whether that be a different sex, or even in some cases a sex which hasn't yet been invented. Or aliens.<br />
<br />
And they should be worried.<br />
<br />
I know I am.<br />
<br />
Had Kim Yong Un had school milk he would have grown up to be strong and virile and not have to wave his nuclear willy at Japan and start World War III.<br />
<br />
But this is all in the past. Quantum ille canis, in fenstra est? I hear you ask, as if you understood Latin.<br />
<br />
And with that, I let you draw you own conclusions. Vote early in the next election. and if you're in Tower Hamlets, vote often.<br />
<br />
Real Pengy.Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-57731131363716417432017-07-31T19:19:00.000+01:002017-07-31T19:19:07.795+01:00GermanThis is an email I received from a lady in Germany a couple of weeks ago. I thought I'd share it. Not my words, but hers.<br />
<br />
A different perspective from some, I guess.<br />
<br />
<div class="">
"About what we talked about concerning the refugee crisis
in 2015: What Angela Merkel did then, might have had the wrong effect,
spreading news that Germany "invites“ refugees in. But from how I
experienced the situation back then, it was a humanitarian measure in a
crisis and a situation that could easily have gone terribly wrong
claiming many lives. You also need to take our history into account.
After the war Germany was not severely punished and totally crushed for
what they had done but helped and supported to grow into a democratic
and prosperous country. So, I somehow also see it as an act of
gratefulness of a country that is doing well, helping others in an
emergency. I personally respect Merkel for what she did back then. The
side effects were, however, enormous and in the face of a new wave of
migrants, this kind of approach can´t continue. Putting people up for a
limited amount of time is relatively easy but integrating them into
society so that they don´t feel permanently on the margin is much more
complicated and can only work if many, many individuals help make it
possible by supporting those families and their children to get jobs,
housing and education. As we´ve seen with France for example,
frustration and segregation breeds violence. Maybe I´m a bit idealistic,
but I´ve met and befriended several refugee families and I see them as
individuals like me and you. A politician, of course, has to take the
global picture into account and that might lead to a different point of
view."</div>
<div class="">
<br /></div>
<div class="">
<br class="" /></div>
Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-44277873428013229702017-06-29T19:19:00.001+01:002017-06-29T19:19:09.432+01:00ToriesHello everyone.<br />
<br />
It's my birthday today. I'm getting on a bit. I'm happy because Stephanie at work made me a cakepie which was fab and had hooky red bull, a choc cake from Tesco, pork pies and candles. Yes, I know it's weird. So am I.<br />
<br />
That's me. That's what I am. I love pork pies, sausage rolls, curry, cider, cider, cider and fags. And sometimes I even eat veg.<br />
<br />
I'm overweight. I'm overaged. I'm quite good at what I do because I have done it for a long time.<br />
<br />
I like going on Twitter because I like to chill out after a journey home sitting behind idiots in lorries who don't know how to judge that they're not going faster than the other one. Idiots in Skoda Fabia (2017 plate) which makes me wonder who they bought the tools from, Wartburg or Trabant. And where the pillock driving it got his licence. I wonder lots of things like that.<br />
<br />
Then when I get on Twitter and say Hello Everyone, I see some awesome people. Nice people. People who talk about veg or trees or birds or what you had for dinner or kinky sex or tits and tatts or cake. Or pie. Or norks.<br />
<br />
But mostly what I see is what some bloody politician said. I don't even mind that, but then I get Tory or Socialism. Or black. Or white. Or gay.<br />
<br />
Like what am I? I'm not any of those things. I've been watching my 18 yo showing my 16 yo how to walk in heels. I've been pissing myself laughing, because my kids are fabulous. I don't want any kind of bloody government. I don't hate Tories. I know a few and they're ever so nice. I don't want Socialism. I know a few socialists and they're ever so nice. I know a few pissheads, bikers, vicars (far too many), bored housewives, singers, drummers, engineers, designers, poledancers, unemployed folk, disabled folk, kids, ancient old farts, publicans, ex-soldiers, pilots, just actual people.<br />
<br />
I don't know what a Tory is. I know that people hate them. Please stop hating people. It makes you look stupid. It makes my Twitter not worth coming home to.<br />
<br />
Please, just for tonight?<br />
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-25186501273600371202017-02-16T18:58:00.005+00:002017-02-16T18:58:57.947+00:00AaronThis won't fit in a tweet.<br />
<br />
This chap <a href="https://twitter.com/Aaronsi58668022">Aaron</a> was asking for money last week. He needs £50 to get into some hostel so that he can have an address so he can get a job.<br />
<br />
I have an address. I have a job. I have never tried getting a job without an address o I have no idea, but it sounds difficult. Also it's cold out.<br />
<br />
Anyway. I bunged him £20 as I can afford it.<br />
<br />
Someone else bunged him £20. Apparently the bunger is a Muslim and says he's defied Aslan or some such bollocks so he took his £20 back.<br />
<br />
Since then a kind lady has given him another £20. So he's £10 short.<br />
<br />
Here is why I think this guy is genuine. When Muslim man took his money back Aaron wanted to give me mine back too.<br />
<br />
I told him to fuck off.<br />
<br />
If you have a spare tenner and don't think this is a scam, feel free to contact Aaron.<br />
<br />
If you think it is a scam then I've been had. Won't be the first time, won't be the last.<br />
<br />
I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Read his tweets if you like?<br />
<br />
Cheers,<br />
<br />
Pengs.Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-46330246745398690062017-02-08T15:29:00.000+00:002017-02-08T15:29:22.389+00:00DeoRight. Had enough of this shit. Sorry, but this will be a rant.<br />
<br />
Islam. Muslims. Trump. MAGA. Brexit. This is what I think. You don't have to think it. If you don't like it, the door's over there *points at door*<br />
<br />
I think Muslims are stupid. I also think Christians are stupid. As are people who support a football team, people who support a political party, people who think the NHS is brilliant.<br />
<br />
Only, though, if they are unquestioning.<br />
<br />
Most Muslims are born into Islam. They are brainwashed. Christians, ditto. Most other religions. This is mainly the fault of Saudis, the British State, and pot growers (in the case of Haile Selassie's Rastas).<br />
<br />
Most people who support a football team do it because of peer pressure. Really. Think back to WHY you do. Most of you don't live there and have never been there, FFS.<br />
<br />
If you think ANY political party gives a toss about anything other than being in power, try to stop fooling yourself.<br />
<br />
The NHS is a seething sinkhole of waste. It's a bloody good idea, and it's fucked up beyond recognition.<br />
<br />
Now have this. The REASON why ANY of these things even are a THING is because hoomin beans have a built-in need to deify something or someone. That's why they created all these bloody Gods. Or gods.<br />
<br />
There is no fucking Messiah. Katie Sodding Hopkins isn't a goddess, she's an overpaid racist arsehole who gets her money from winding you up. Don't let her. Many other such idiots on Twitter, Milo for instance. And there are loads of minor ones.<br />
<br />
For FUCK'S sake. Wake up. Grow up. Shut up.<br />
<br />
If you want someone to hate, look at the ones who are steering your anger. Your fear. Unfollow them. All of them. Stop reading the bloody papers. It's all shite.<br />
<br />
Or don't. It's up to you. But do NOT tweet hate into my timeline, please. If you do, I will block you, and report you. I will also ridicule you, and treat you like the garbage that you are.<br />
<br />
Love and hugs<br />
<br />
Pengy xxUncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-22624313965046830942016-11-14T21:36:00.002+00:002016-11-14T21:36:49.809+00:00BlackThey is all black and they ain't born here so they should go hoam agan,<br />
<br />
I hope Katie Hopkinds will publicise my blog for me.Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-3048069240585686462016-09-26T19:22:00.000+01:002016-09-26T19:22:01.827+01:00RichMr Corbyn will raise the minimum wage to £10 ph. I have no idea what it is now, probably about £6? £7?<br />
<br />
This will make everyone better off if they are not good earners. By 30% or so.<br />
<br />
This will then make the evil bosses earn more, and then everything will go up by 30% or so, and interest rates will rise, and nobody will be able to afford a house (like they can now, oh yes).<br />
<br />
Well done him. Twat. If it were that simple, it would have been done. Everyone likes to buy votes.<br />
<br />
Here is my method to better yourself, if you work on the minimum wage. Unless you are fairly disabled (which I'm not), I can't see why this won't work. It did for me.<br />
<br />
1. Fail most of your O levels or GCSEs.<br />
2. Don't go to university.<br />
3. Try being skint for a bit. And I mean skint. You don't know what skint is.<br />
4. Get fed up with it.<br />
5. Try every fucking thing until you find something you don't mind doing that you seem to be good at.<br />
6. Work like fuck. Do it for next to nothing to get the job.<br />
7. Do what's expected then when you've done that do it again, twice.<br />
8. Spend your evenings learning shit.<br />
9. Spot an opportunity and grasp it by the neck and wring it out until it begs for mercy.<br />
10. Repeat steps 6 to 8.<br />
11. Repeat step 10.<br />
12. Stop moaning.<br />
<br />
I hope this helps. Don't argue with it until you've given it a try. No, not couple of weeks, half a fucking lifetime. Then come back to me.<br />
<br />
I had the same start as you did. Trust me.Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-66973191386306740022016-09-12T18:05:00.002+01:002016-09-12T18:05:42.822+01:00CameronWanker.Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-27015496306460070572016-08-03T19:54:00.001+01:002016-08-03T19:54:45.334+01:00Job Agents. Again.I don't know if I ever mentioned that if this breed of carbuncles on the backside of humanity, or recruitment consultants as they like to call themselves, are an unwelcome intrusion upon my state of being or not?<br />
<br />
I am an engineer, of electronics, and software and firmware on microprocessors and PCs and huge computers when necessary. I have been doing this for many years and am quite good at it.<br />
<br />
Years ago, when I wanted to do some "work" for some chaps and they wanted to give me some "money", they advertised, usually in newspapers or even maybe in a magazine, or more lately on the internet, and I would look to see if I wanted their money and I could do the job, and we would talk to each other and arrange a trade.<br />
<br />
This worked quite well. If they wanted me to do a "job" I would arrange with them either so much per hour or so much for a job. I would do the job and they would pay me. This was good. They have always been happy with me.<br />
<br />
What happens now is there are about two main web sites upon which the poor workers, e.g. me, put their CVs. These are then reduced from a finely-crafted document into a selection of key words. The "job agents" (for that is all they are, ill-educated scum who feed off the efforts of such as I) then contact companies, and convince them that they will add value to their seeking-of-workers requirements, and they will find what they want, convert it into some more key words, and match them against these two databases. They will then email, automatically, the workers who they believe match, and wait.<br />
<br />
For this, they will charge the work, in perpetuity, around 1/6th to 1/5th of his earnings. Effectively the person who wants the work done pays this on top.<br />
<br />
The problem with this is that these "job agents", or "scum", are stupid, have no idea what the company or worker wants, or can do, and refuse to understand this. This means that someone, such as I, who is good at this, never gets near the company who wants me, but instead he is presented with a raft of fucking dickwads who couldn't find their arses with both hands and a map.<br />
<br />
Here is a simple example. It is an email from a "job agent":<br />
<br />
<i>Hi Pengy,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>A key client of mine is looking for an experienced Firmware Engineer
to join them onsite in Guildford on an initial 6 month contract.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>The key skills they are looking for include:</i><br />
<ul>
<li><i>Microchip PIC 18bit</i></li>
<li><i>MPLAB</i></li>
<li><i>Bare Metal</i></li>
<li><i>Good knowledge of Microprocessor hardware (sketch IO block and Timer Works)</i></li>
</ul>
<br />
<i>Please send an updated CV for more information on location and rates.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Let me explain:<br />
<br />
Microchip do not make an 18bit PIC. They make an 18 series PIC which is 8 bit.<br />
MPLAB is obsolete.<br />
Bare Metal is a term only used by fuckwits to mean no operating system.<br />
"sketch IO block" and "Timer Works" are not even known to Google in this context.<br />
<br />
An 18 series PIC would be filled with code in one day by me. I have met "engineers" who would take months or years and it still wouldn't work.<br />
<br />
I so dearly wish I could find out who wants someone to do this work so I can save them 5½ months and in the process make at least another of these fucking useless cunts redundant and hopefully reliant on a food bank for his next breakfast.<br />
<br />
That's how much I hate them.I wish I could find the words to describe how much I hate this, but sadly, they have not been invented.<br />
<br />
I hope you understand.<br />
<br />
Pengs xUncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-41152150892821951282016-07-18T18:51:00.000+01:002016-07-18T18:51:52.556+01:00FishingHere is my little blogette concerning angling or fishing.<br />
<br />
I like sea fishing, where you catch a fish and then you pan fry it (I don't know why they say "pan-fry", I suppose it makes it obvious that it's fried in a pan, as opposed to, say, an old sock or dustbin lid).<br />
<br />
Anyway, there are blokes who get off on the traditional struggle of taking the 4x4 down to the river, ripping up the meadows with their all-weather tyres and 4 litre diesel engines, so they can pit their immense wits against those ferocious denizens of the deep which lurk threateningly below,<br />
<br />
Skilfully, they tie a bit of line onto a hook, add a lump of lead to sink it, and a float so it doesn't sink, then impale a worm onto the hook and, using a massive carbon fibre pole, launch this lot across the river so far that you wonder why they didn't start on the other side.<br />
<br />
They then use mental force to entice the evil fish onto the hook so that they can proudly show their fellow warmongering humans that their fight, nay battle, against the fearsome foe was won, then rip the heck out of the despicable adversary's mouth, causing irreparable damage, and chuck it back in.<br />
<br />
Sometimes the fish, or the reeds, win. When this happens, the hapless angler loses his tackle. Undaunted, the mighty angler simply reaches into his tacklebox and replaces this expensive pile of detritus with another.<br />
<br />
Here are my friends. They are ducks (more specifically a duck and a drake). They are called Lucky and Mucky Duck. Lucky is the one with the orangy beak and is actually a duck. Mucky is a drake (lighter beak, when he is grown he will have a green head). They are mallards.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BNRQY6t8MMw/V40VzWJAWtI/AAAAAAAAARM/RlG4ryX9q68WjdFtoSLDS5kbw4Dsu-RgQCLcB/s1600/MuckyL.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BNRQY6t8MMw/V40VzWJAWtI/AAAAAAAAARM/RlG4ryX9q68WjdFtoSLDS5kbw4Dsu-RgQCLcB/s320/MuckyL.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Here is a picture of the anglers detritus. Lucky had this lot shoved in her beak and I got it out, not at all aided by Mucky who thought I was attacking Lucky. I won't show the injuries Lucky suffered, nor those suffered by me whilst trying to remove it all.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FHv25yNCZlY/V40WR9ToHLI/AAAAAAAAARQ/3tuzZH3EU8k7A3OJ1Yb9tDeQajHUBUqiACLcB/s1600/fishingshit.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FHv25yNCZlY/V40WR9ToHLI/AAAAAAAAARQ/3tuzZH3EU8k7A3OJ1Yb9tDeQajHUBUqiACLcB/s320/fishingshit.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I don't care what hobbies people have. Most of mine involve drinking and I try not to piss on the duck's heads afterwards. If anglers would please think about the crap they leave behind and what damage it might do, and perhaps make an effort to clear up a bit, or try something less adventurous, maybe, Lucky wouldn't have had to go through that. And nor would I.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Please share if you feel like it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Thanks a bunch</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Pengs x</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-68521106348005654822016-07-07T20:16:00.000+01:002016-07-07T20:16:04.725+01:00WitchI was sitting at work earlier. I could do no work because I'm off for a week, and they're backing my stuff up so I can't touch it.<br />
<br />
In came some chaps to ask me about some bits we're doing.<br />
<br />
We discussed said bits. Anyway, one chap said something about some footballer, I wasn't really taking a lot of notice. Some jolly foreigner chap. Apparently he paid a "witch doctor" for some time, it was like insurance. Then he stopped paying, and broke his leg playing footie. It was an omen.<br />
<br />
Then the bloke said "imagine that, you pay and get nothing and then stop paying and anything that happens to you is because you stopped paying the witch doctor. How stupid are people?"<br />
<br />
I said "imagine if you paid like hundreds of pounds a week just in case something went wrong? And nothing did? And if you stopped paying all of a sudden something would go wrong?"<br />
<br />
"Yes," he said, "Stupid, isn't it?"<br />
<br />
"Yes, I replied. I was talking about the NHS."<br />
<br />
Goes quiet, doesn't it?<br />
<br />
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-68277120353086857072016-06-30T18:36:00.000+01:002016-06-30T18:36:05.659+01:00StoryI have no idea if this is true, but it would be great if it was. As told to me by a girl at work, about her friend.<br />
<br />
The friend had finished Uni and gone travelling for a year, near the end of which her mum came over to meet her in New York to visit. They went shopping. The mum couldn't take any more shopping so she left the girl to it and went back to her hotel. It was evening, and she felt a little intimidated, coming from the English countryside, and being in New York, a very alien territory for her.<br />
<br />
She went into the hotel with her shopping and pressed the call button for the lift. The doors opened, and the porter, helpful man that he was, and hoping for a tip, put her shopping into the lift, into which she now felt obliged to enter, accompanied by three large and fierce looking New York hoods; black, of course, as they are the gangsta type ones, a fact well-known by all English Countryside ladies, from the films. The lift doors closed. The lift did not move.<br />
<br />
The middle one of the gentlemen leaned over to her and whispered "hit the floor." She threw herself to the floor, saying "please take what you want."<br />
<br />
The gentleman said "I meant hit the button for the floor you want."<br />
<br />
Apparently, the embarrassment was audible.<br />
<br />
A few days later she went to pay the bill and leave. The concierge told her it was paid for, and there was a note.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Lady, you have made me laugh more than I have laughed recently. Please accept this stay on me."</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Will Smith.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The other two guys were his bodyguards.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Please let that be true.</div>
Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-3618972124515958752016-06-09T20:17:00.000+01:002016-06-09T20:25:14.561+01:00I think this will doI despair. I have tried many time to compose a reply to this.<br />
<br />
I fear that I am bereft of the right words to describe the abysmal attitude which TalkTalk, at all levels, have foisted upon me.<br />
<br />
I cannot sensibly reply to a sentence which contains more than one
misused reflexive pronoun, nor indeed a reference to an engineer as an
individual. Woe is me.<br />
<br />
The "exchange to the master socket" paradigm leaves me, as spake the Bard of Avon, "rampoozling in my own juices, for I am wan," because
this very fact was revealed to me on Friday last. It is thus far not
only eight and forty hours, but thrice so.<br />
<br />
I am reluctant to be available to welcome an "engineer", for I am one. I
have forty years experience of being in that poorly employ, in the
fields of oil, gas and the nuclear industry, and am possibly, as a
designer of electronics, software and firmware in such trade, more
qualified than any that you could send.<br />
<br />
It is most pleasing to note, however, that if it is "deemed" that my
service performing to the acceptable level, as made clear by the two
iPhones, Kindle Fire and two Personal Computers thereto attached will
give evidence, that you will charge me £65.00. It is reassuring to know
that shareholder value is at the forefront of the agenda, and this is
surely going to bring in more customers.<br />
<br />
May I say, at this point, that if you even THINK about charging for the
premature termination of your laughable contract, that you are going to
make Mr Cameron and that whole pig thing seem quite sensible.<br />
<br />
It is such a shame. You were so helpful last time.<br />
<br />
I refrain from mentioning the result of paying peanuts, and any reference to species including, but not exclusive to, primates.<br />
<br />
Yours with love<br />
<br />
PengyUncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-59470092109391078442016-06-08T19:12:00.002+01:002016-06-08T19:12:23.327+01:00TalkTalkThe last email I sent to the CEO of TalkTalk, Dido Harding, who has been helpful in the past.<br />
<br />
I will let you know what she replies.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Dido<br />
<br />
I have had enough. At first I thought I was just being dicked about
by your Indian Support desk. Now I realise that ALL of your
technicians are incompetent. I am getting no joy from your CEO
office either. EVERYTHING takes another day. All I hear is 48 hours,
another 48 hours, another 72 hours. Are you aware that you are
heading an organisation as dysfunctional as this?<br />
<br />
I am going to take TalkTalk to court and claim a heap for
inconvenience. Also I will try to get publicity from any and every
press outlet that will listen to me. I am sorry that you were too
busy to help.<br />
<br />
I have NEVER been treated as badly as this, personally or
corporately.<br />
<br />
Pengy<br />
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-23592334540924716172016-03-17T19:23:00.002+00:002016-03-17T19:23:48.438+00:00DebtSee, there's this budget. It taxes sugar. Nobody cares. It gives small businesses yawn yawn. And personal yawn yawn.<br />
<br />
In fact, yawn, yawn.<br />
<br />
But the economy is something or the other, yawn.<br />
<br />
On the back of this, the DEBT (money we owe to folk) is going up. Not a bit up, fucking trillions of<br />
quid. Record amounts. Jesus H Christ amounts of money.<br />
<br />
It doesn't matter, because we have MONEY (tax) coming in. So we can pay that DEBT off. The difference between MONEY (tax) and DEBT is DEFICIT. Porcelain-Gob is paying down the DEFICIT. Not the DEBT.<br />
<br />
All clear? Thought so.<br />
<br />
Now here is a thing. This scares the shit out of me. The DEBT is actually CASH which WE BORROW from FOREIGN people/ Such as our ALLIES, the SAUDIS (murderers) etc.<br />
<br />
Because we have a GOOD CREDIT RATING, we can borrow it at FUCK ALL.<br />
<br />
YAY, go us.<br />
<br />
If, tomorrow, things change, then we have to pay it back, and borrow it again, At NOT VERY CHEAP.<br />
<br />
If this happens, you, me, Porcelain-Face and everyone else is in what is called, in modern parlance, DEEP SHIT.<br />
<br />Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-16736293809013981292016-02-22T18:14:00.000+00:002016-02-22T18:14:11.080+00:00EwwwwThis is some stuff about the EU.<br />
<br />
In 1945 some chaps decided that Hitler had been a bit of a git and that war was a BAD thing.<br />
<br />
They decided to have a club where there would be no more war.<br />
<br />
This was a GOOD idea. War is bollocks.<br />
<br />
So the chaps decided to get together in perfect harmony and all be one thing, that way they wouldn't have anything to fight about.<br />
<br />
Lots of talking was done and nobody got killed.<br />
<br />
In 1975, 30 years later, Britain was invited to join their club. There was no way on earth that this would happen because it was too soon, and many British folk remembered the last war, which was pretty horrible. So they called it a Trade Agreement, where British people could buy stuff from France, such as cheese, which is, quite frankly, all that the French really make.<br />
<br />
Some British people like cheese and thought that Brie was superior to Cheddar so they voted themselves in.<br />
<br />
A bit later, the club changed its name from the EEC to the EU, got a flag, three presidents, demanded loads of money, took the Queen off of everything and we were stuffed.<br />
<br />
They based themselves in Brussels and Strasbourg. They pay themselves bagloads of cash.<br />
<br />
They do nothing for it.<br />
<br />
I have an anti-alligator device here, it is actually a broken alarm clock. There are no alligators here, therefore it works. And that is why we have no more wars, because they have a thing which means there are no more wars. It works on the same principle. YOU know, and I know, that the reason there are no alligators here is that I have a door, through which alligators can't get. I know, and you SHOULD know, that the reason we have no more wars is because if someone starts one then all hell will let loose and we will all die. Nukily.<br />
<br />
So. I do not think the EU does anything of any use. All they do is strut. And trough. Britain pays them about £50M a day to mainly build roads in Spain which nobody wants, least of all the Spanish.<br />
<br />
I don't think we'll ever get out, because too many people whose ridiculous lifestyle depends on us being in. And, trust this penguin, if we get out, there will be a disorderly queue of others who will want to do the same.<br />
<br />
Among the people who desperately want to stay in are these.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zJbFW9Ih_c0/VstPR9suF4I/AAAAAAAAAQs/BrQoEnF7SEI/s1600/eutroughers.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="208" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zJbFW9Ih_c0/VstPR9suF4I/AAAAAAAAAQs/BrQoEnF7SEI/s320/eutroughers.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
If you're happy about that, then vote REMAIN on the 23rd of June.<br />
<br />
You wanker.Uncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3961783734974841063.post-2515644228007816512016-01-05T13:14:00.002+00:002016-01-05T13:14:17.144+00:00HahaA key client of mine is currently looking for an experienced Embedded
Linux Engineer with strong Buildroot experience to join their team in
Cambridge for an initial 6 months contract.<br />
<br />
Please see details below:<br />
<br />
Job Purpose<br />
• A key member of the Linux Platform Software team responsible for
the Software Platform of a next-generation Network Audio SoC based on
embedded Linux<br />
<br />
Key Responsibilities & Tasks<br />
• Hands-on Software Development, Integration, Debug and Test<br />
• Embedded Software Design<br />
• Software Specification and Documentation<br />
• Requirements Analysis<br />
• Joint development activities with key technology partners and lead customers<br />
<br />
Qualifications & Skills<br />
Mandatory<br />
• Good honours degree in Computer Science, Electronic Engineering or a related discipline<br />
• Excellent knowledge of hardware and software architectures with at proven experience of embedded systems engineering<br />
• Extensive C/C++ programming experience in an embedded environment<br />
• Embedded Linux (e.g. Buildroot, Gentoo, Chrome OS)<br />
• Excellent written and verbal communication skills<br />
<br />
Beneficial<br />
• Software development for products in the consumer electronics industry<br />
• Advanced Linux Sound Architecture (ALSA)<br />
• Linux kernel and device driver development<br />
• TCP/IP networking and sockets programming<br />
• Wireless communication e.g. WiFi, Bluetooth, NFC<br />
• Software development on ARM-based SoCs<br />
• Git, JIRA Agile (Greenhopper), BuildBot<br />
• Python<br />
<br />
<br />
Person Specification<br />
• Able to work unsupervised or as part of a team as required<br />
• A creative thinker with a pro-active can-do attitude<br />
• A quick learner, able to pick up new skills and technologies easily<br />
• Highly productive and results-driven<br />
• Able to work to tight timescales<br />
• Quality-oriented with high standards but pragmatic and able to compromise where appropriateUncle Marvohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00146362608723100601noreply@blogger.com0