Bollogs

Boo

2012-02-13T21:31:00.003Z

I promised you but now I can't think of anything for my boos
Don't know any country and I don't know any rhythm and blues
P'rhaps I'll just talk bollocks all night
I'm pretty sure y'all thought that I might
Six beers down my neck and here's another big pile of shit.

Boo

2012-02-13T21:31:00.001Z

Offensive

2012-02-02T19:29:00.000Z

I understand an MP has found it offensive that a beer, an ale, has found its way into the House of Commons Bar which goes by the name of "Top Totty".

The tap has a bunny girl on it. Big deal.

The same MP, elected by her constituents, has managed to, at great effort and presumably expenditure of time, remove said beer.

Offensive.

Yup. Here are a few things which I find offensive.

The House of Commons has a bar.
That bar is subsidised by people who do proper work.
An MP has nothing better to do.
That Gordon Brown sold off the gold reserves of this once-great country, in which the building-up he had no hand, for ten cents on the dollar.
That the government bailed out a couple of banks.
That my kids are now up shit creek without a paddle because of the hubris of a handful of the political class.
That half of what i might earn is being taken from me at gunpoint to spunk up the wall in any way the political class deem fit.
That I am now a European.

I can't be arsed. What I will say is that if the lady in question did not look as they she was catapult-fed from birth she might have chosen to embrace her sexuality, rather than to try to rebel against it.

Louise Mensch has my phone number, and she knows where I live. The MP in question has only to ask, I give Louise my full permission to divulge those details.

I hope she sues me. I hope, from deep within my black heart that she does so.

Please, if you read this folks, I have no idea what the woman's name is. Do pass this on.

Thanks.

This

2012-01-25T20:53:00.000Z

I see that people are fretting somewhat because the government we have are doing what they can to stop us drowning in the mire of debt in which we have found ourselves.

Whatever this coalition does gets stopped anyway, so no harm done, eh? We'll just run the debt up ad infinitum.

Don't blame the coalition. They're just a bunch of incompetents who've spent a lot of money on discrediting the last lot and managed to form a disparate government by virtue of the fact that Clegg hated Brown more than Cameron. Blair was truly a media creation, and look at him now. Brown was just a buffoon. Still is. Mandelson was evil. Still is. Sue me.

Look. There isn't any more money. Not in the whole wide world. Live with it. Suffer a bit. Most of you don't know any different, you were born in the EU and you have NO IDEA what went on before about the mid-eighties. You're all Fabians.

Of COURSE you know. You read history.

Churchill said "History will be kind to me, for I shall write it." And so he did.

A couple of years ago the mainstream media airbrushed the cigar out of his mouth.

Trust me, you know NOTHING. And no, I'm not patronising you.

As was famously said, recently: "You weren't there, man".

I'd like to hear from some oldies other than I, I really would.

Moan

2012-01-18T15:01:00.000Z

I am accustomed to not having work. Happens to me every so many years, usually when someone has found out that I'm taking money off them for basically sitting around on my arse waiting for things to go wrong.

Anyway. There's a slump on, apparently. Don't know, don't care.

Now. I need to sort out some work. This involves getting in my car which is fortunately taxed at the moment, and going to see someone a way away.

This means I need fuel for the car. Or train fare and exorbitant car parking charges, so car it is.

£40 worth of diesel.

I know that most of this is £40 is yummy tax for the government. And I know that they will spend it wisely, perhaps on living allowance for a disabled person, perhaps to give someone who's really hard-up some money for food.

Anything else they spend it on is bollocks. A high-speed train, yacht for Her Maj, salary for themselves, contribution to the EU, help for the starving in Africa. All bollocks.

Because *I* need it. Not want, need.

And I'm not buying fags/beer/cleaning services/stationery with it. This is not a luxury. I don't take for granted the heated office I come into each day, paid for by taxpayers, and the allowances you MPs get. None of that.

So Africa, the EU, MPs, the Queen and the train can all fuck right off. Then come back, so they can fuck off again.

And so, I'm afraid, can the poor and the disabled. Because right now, *I* need it. And you're not having it.

And that, friends, is how the fuck it is.

I'm off to rob a petrol station.

Fuck you. And no, I'm not reducing myself to claiming "benefits", as you laughing call it. I'll die first.

Cunts.

Fuxake

2012-01-17T19:04:00.000Z

I'm reading Twitter, all about the DDA this time. The Disability Discrimination Act.

Here is my opinion, and mine only.

I'm an old fart. When I was young we used to call black lads Sam, short for Sambo, which is a term of endearment for blackamoor or golliwog.

We also used to call disabled people spastics.

Yellower people were called chinks or wogs, depending.

Bus conductors were called Chalkie, I was called a four-eyed twat, my brother was known as Ratlegs, and homosexual chaps were called poofs or poofters.

It's the way it was. To be frank, there wasn't any racism from me, nor homophobia. It's just that poofs were wrong, and shouldn't have been poofs. And black people were meant to be bus conductors.

Education. I have learnt far too recently that poofs can't actually help being poofs, and black people were mostly born here these days. Just that nobody bothered to tell anyone.

What we don't need is an act. An act alienates people. You can't MAKE people think a thing, you can make them shut up about it for fear of retribution from the long, and often wrong, arm of the law, but you can't make people accept stuff that they don't believe.

That's what's wrong with the world. Let people believe what they want. Educate them though. Don't legislate.

Fucking idiots.

JMHO

Fuckwit

2012-01-17T12:56:00.000Z

If you go from the M6 to the A14 you have to go down the slip road. Because it is a balls-up, all the lanes go into one at the end.

A BMW, driven by a suit, who was obviously really important, decided this morning to make another lane especially for BMWs. Unfortunately the lorry in the correct lane didn't realise this, nor did the other lorry coming the other way. He should have had his "I AM VERY IMPORTANT" sign on.

Anyway, he got sandwiched between the two and bounced up and down until enough bits had fallen off for him to carry on through the gap.

Twat.

Anyone want to buy some BMW bits, like wing mirrors, wing, door handles etc? I can tell you where there are some. Slightly damaged.

SNORK.

Disabled

2012-01-10T20:37:00.000Z

I'm not. Yet.

I may be, one day. At the moment I can walk and drink and do all sorts of things.

I'm making the most of it.

If I were disabled in any way I'd like to think that I would still talk about other things. I like norks, but I still talk about other things, now and again.

I also know that if I were disabled I would probably put that somewhere near the front of my experiences.

But what I wouldn't do, I am sure, is have such a short memory that I would blame the coalition (bunch of self-serving tits that they are) for everything. I'd blame the last lot (bunch of self-serving tits that they are) equally.

But then I'm not disabled. Yet. I hope I never am.

Please. Disabled people. Black people. Yellow people. Tiger trainers. Women. Everyone.

Please recognise that you have one, and only one, enemy. It is the political class, the one that's shagging you up the arse with a rusty pole, in order to feather their own nest.

If you can't see this, yet, please seek out some help.

Thanks.

Chilli con Carne

2012-01-09T14:02:00.000Z

You will need

½lb minced beef
1 tin tomatoes
1 tin kidney beans
a little oil
chillies
peppers
a big coat

First, take the minced beef. It's easier in the pre-packed section, and comes double-sealed so you can slide it into a side-pocket.

Chillies and peppers are to be found in the fresh vegetable section. The chillies fit neatly in a back pocket of your jeans. Peppers are more of a problem so don't take more than you need. If you have a hat then a couple of peppers should fit neatly underneath - a "Blues Brothers" style pork-pie hat is ideal.

Check the price of the tomatoes and kidney beans. The tomatoes should be cheaper, so put them in the basket, and the kidney beans under the coat. It may help to tighten your belt around them so that they don't fall out when passing the checkout.

If you have no oil at home, then simply borrow a small cupful from a neighbour or your local police station.

Cook the ingredients and serve.

Early Years

2011-12-22T14:21:00.000Z

It is said that what happens to you in early years shapes your future behaviour.

I dug out this pic of me with my babysitter.

Word Cloud

2011-12-21T21:38:00.002Z

BOLLOCKS

Post

2011-12-20T21:50:00.001Z

Royal Mail. At the Post Office.

Oh yes. You can take a parcel, they weigh it. They charge you "special delivery", in my case, £22.70, for a package, and guarantee it by 1 p.m. the next day.

You go on the website, and put in your reference number. Up until EXACTLY 1 p.m. it says that they "expect to deliver it by the guaranteed time."

AT EXACTLY 1 p.m., the message changes to "Your item with reference xxx is currently progressing through our network."

Now. I am eligible to get the money back. Which I will.

I am also eligible to pursue them for gross misrepresentation of their service.

They THINK that they are immune to this because they are HUGE and I am small.

Dearest Royal Mail. You so seriously need to reconsider this stance. You really have no idea.

You will lose. Ignominiously.

CV

2011-12-14T12:58:00.000Z

Got a bit bored writing a CV so here's a business plan. You may wish to use it.

1. Be a bit thick.
2. Join the Labour Party.
3. Eat pies.
4. Talk shit.
5. Get elected in somewhere a bit naff where they'll vote for a donkey with a red rosette.
6. Punch one of your constituents in the face.
7. Shag your PA.
8. Lose a General Election.
9. Become a Lord.
10. Get a load of followers on twitter and think that's somehow connected to reality.

Hope this plan helps you.

The Pope is praying for the Euro. Jesus H Mohammed Christ on a Bike.

2011-12-08T19:21:00.000Z

Those of you familiar with the shite I come out with will be aware that I know nothing about anything. I admit that.

What I hate is people who say they know stuff, and know fuck all.

The European Union was ostensibly to discourage future wars. Bollocks.

I'll tell you how to discourage future wars. What you do is say "war is shite, let's not do it, eh?" and that's the job done.

Now I'll tell you how to piss people off unless they're German. What you do is try to control them, to make them speak languages they don't understand, change their currency, make laws for them and tell them what to do.

I've had enough of this shit. I have REALLY had enough of this shit.

So, dear fucking Pope, just piss off, play with your beardy Sky Fairy, kiss the ground, and talk to your gullible fucktards in Latin. I'm not buying it.

Clear?

Ta.

Differences between the way white people and black people think for the benefit of EDL cunts and Nemmy

2011-12-07T21:06:00.001Z

12

2011-12-07T09:12:00.000Z

On the twelfth day of Christmas, according to my timeline on Twitter, my true love gave to me:

Twelve Lefties whining
Eleven Righties gloating
Ten Norks a-wobbling
Nine Ladies flirting
Eight blokes a-hoping
Seven plumbers plumbing
Six traders trading
Five IT Geeks
Four Undertakers
Three French Peeps
Two Spartaci
And a lawyer by the name of Art Li.

Unlikely, I know, anywhere apart from on Twitter.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

2011-12-06T14:34:00.000Z

I read a story in the Telegraph. Apparently a couple of people kicked someone's head in. I'm not going to re-read it, this is what I read and remember.

The judge said that the people who did the kicking were Muslims and therefore not used to alcohol, and gave them a suspended sentence. I believe they were Somalians.

That is all I need to know. I don't give a fuck if they were Martians who weren't used to drinking sour cream. They could be English WHITE people who weren't used to drinking alcohol.

What is fucking WRONG is that this country is bent, broken, and buggered, if ONE judge can decide that because someone isn't used to alcohol he can go round kicking people because he's decided to give it a go.

You know what's even more wrong? I'll tell you. What's SERIOUSLY WRONG is that someone can decide that because I think that this is wrong, they can tell me that WHITE people kick OTHER people on a day to day basis and get away with it, and call me a fucking racist.

I don't know what colour Somalians are. I know they're pirates, that's all. And as far as Muslims not driniking goes ... HA HA HA HA HA.

Bollocks.

Jesus.

I give up sometimes. I'm going to get pissed. I might kick someone.

222

2011-12-06T08:08:00.000Z

Hello.

If there's one thing more annoying than tweet theft it's being given the opportunity to put one's thoughts into writing without having the ability to do so properly.

Anyone can use twitter innit and its like txt an u can make it shorter so itll fit.

I'm just an olde-fashioned penguin, not an English teacher. However, penguins get teasy when they see "to" and "too" mixed up. And no, it isn't dyslexia, nor are you thick; it's a lack of education. Not your fault, nor mine.

Here is a handy Pengy guide to the difference between two, too and to.

TWO is a number. 2. Both. A pair. It is never anything else. The animals went in to the ark, two by two, too.

Nobody gets this wrong.

TOO means AS WELL, ALSO. IN ADDITION. It also means more than that, as in TOO much, TOO many, if it's anything to do with making things big or bigger, it's TOO.

TO is anything else. No, really. It's called a function word. Sod it. Like to eat, to drink, to be merry. Stupid language. Anyway, you know when you need to use "to", because if you said "I'm going go the doctor" it would sound silly, and it's "I'm going TO go TO the doctor". TO GO is the verb. Stupid verb. TO the doctor indicates movement TOWARDS the doctor. A smack TO the head. I work 9 TO 5.

Now you haven't got an excuse. You're not thick, you're not dyslexic. And now you're educated.

Be careful, I'm watching you.

And I expect at least two of you to watch me, too.

Twitter

2011-12-05T17:39:00.000Z

Twitter is useless.

I asked a question yesterday. It was

"If I have a spirit which is 38% and one which is 15%, what proportions do I need to mix it to get 20%?"

Reason: I had some blackcurrant gin which was 20% alcohol and I ran out. I had a bottle of gin and a bottle of cassis, 38% and 15% respectively. And I had man flu so I couldn't work it out.

So.

Clearly, you need to put more of the 15% in to get to 20% from 38%.

Therefore:

(38 +15x)/(x+1) =20.

38 + 15x = 20x + 20

38 - 20 = 20x - 15x

18 = 5x

x = 18/5

18 cassis to 5 gins, or 3 and 3/5, or pretty much 7 to 2.

But it is clear from the above that if you substitute H for 38 (high content) and L for 15 (low content), and T for 20 (target content), you get

(H + Lx)/(x+1)=T

H + Lx = Tx + T

H - T = Tx - Lx

H - T = x(T - L)

The proportion is then given by

(H - T)/(T - L)

QED.

There. That's 2 minutes of your life that you won't get back.

Thing

2011-11-30T19:31:00.000Z

A thing is happening, in the environs of that London, on the 12/1/12. Thursday.

Do register your interest by filling in the comment thingy down there vvvv with your Twitter handlage.

I can't say what it is yet. But I will. And I'll make sure you know.

Beer is involved, obviously.

Oh, OK, it's a piss up. But there's a better-than-usual reason.

Dear Pengy

2011-11-30T14:10:00.002Z

Pengy,

Many thanks for the summary, which I have to say I agree with in full (and will state that when I share the document).

If you have no objections, I would like to share it all with both Carl & Phil (as well as Jim's new boss).

I would again like to express my personal sadness at the ending of our association.

Whilst I think you've summarised yourself very well in your note (your words ! ! ) ...... you've not sold yourself well enough on your knowledge, experience, capability and abilities. Not just because it's now, but I have always said you are without equal the best process control engineer I have ever had the good fortune to work with and for me it's been an absolute pleasure to have been able to experience working with you.

I hope that the future is good to you, and I also hope that our paths cross again ... hopefully sooner rather than later.

Best regards,

Boss

Enlightenment

2011-11-29T18:50:00.000Z

My 10 y/o told me earlier that the teachers are striking because the government is trying to take away their pensions, just like Mrs Thatcher stole their milk.

"Oh, really?" I enquired.

What I really meant was this.

Mrs Fucking Schoolteacher, you chose your profession. I'm sure your pension is under threat, even though there are people who work 48 fucking weeks of the year and work hard too, who retire when they're 65, and I'm sure they'd love the world fucking cruises that you're going on when you jack it all in.

And, furthermore, Mrs Fucking Schoolteacher, your job is to teach my kid English and Sums and History and Shit. I let you get away with PSH Fucking E because it's in the National Curriculum (it's government propaganda, for those who don't know).

What your job ISN'T is shoving your fucking political views down my kids' throats.

I may well turn up with my friend the Enlightener to your picket tomorrow. If you're lucky I'll be in a good mood and bring hot soup.

Be lucky.

Programme

2011-11-24T19:55:00.000Z

Next Wednesday's Skool Programme

0900-0915 BACON
0915-0930 Physical exercise. It fucking hurts.
0930-0945 Recovery and tea.
0945-1000 Maths.
1000-1030 More Maths. How to do it properly. BODMAS. Hundreds, tens, units.
1030-1100 Even More Maths. WHY you need to know.
1100-1115 BACON
1115-1200 Physical exercise. Properly, this time. You fat fuckers.
1200-1300 Lunch. Cook or starve.
1300-1400 English. No, not American, English.
1400-1500 Break for those who can speak English. Beatings for those who can't.
1500-1530 Smoke break.

Letter

2011-11-24T19:18:00.001Z

Dear Mr [name removed]

Accept this as notice that I expect my fees to be refunded for [name removed] guitar lessons.

Not only am I disappointed in the quality and content of the programme, but also I cannot cope with the political influence which you have directed at her through your blind, inconsiderate action in participating in the November 30th strike.

I shall be conveying my thoughts in no uncertain terms to the Council for whom you work, the Chairman of which I have just spoken to, in the pub.

I wish you well. You will need these good wishes.

Yours

Pengy

Fuckwit

2011-11-23T13:16:00.000Z

Here is an extract from Premier Foods in-house magazine.

And here is their share chart for that period, in which this fuckwit was in charge.

Evan

2011-11-17T20:52:00.000Z

Right, toads.

I'm not giving too much away, but I spent 15 long years in brainwashing. I KNOW about it. Trust me. Push me as far as you like, I'm saying nothing. But trust me, I know the difference between what makes people believe you and what makes people want to die for you. I can see it in a heartbeat.

I've seen Nigel Farage in action. He isn't saying what he says for effect. He isn't saying it because he wants the job. He's saying it because he knows that what he says is thought by many, many people.

I am one of those people.

Go, Mr Farage. Go go go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=bdob6QRLRJU

Evidence

2011-11-16T15:44:00.000Z

I am seriously unhappy about the way this project is being bulldozed in, seemingly to protect someone's reputation.

There are no safety features incorporated in it, and even if it is bodged in this afternoon I'm not sure it will be done properly, the safety protocol isn't a five-minute job.

If someone is hurt, or worse, during the night, then I fear that someone will go to jail for criminal negligence.

It won't be me, which is why I'm putting this in an email.

Regards - Pengy

Business

2011-11-16T14:35:00.000Z

Brilliant business plan. I know you'll like it and want to get involved.

All I ask from you is some money. Doesn't need to be much, maybe a couple of grand a year each.

What do you get for it? Well, for a start, we'll build some pretty neat buildings, on lakes, in cities around the place. We'll need to employ quite a few people and, I suspect, grease a few palms to get it kicked off. That'll give us an air of legitimacy. Then we'll set up a framework, and get things nicely under control.

We'll use the money wisely though; obviously to keep our position in the marketplace we'll need to engineer things so that we look good.

Trust us, when all this has been worked through it will be better for ALL.

Interested?

Send money (cash, please), to

The Chief Accountant
The European Union
Brussels
Europe.

You won't be disappointed.

Project

2011-11-16T10:49:00.000Z

I work for a huge organisation.

I work in one of the biggest factories in that huge organisation.

I pointed out to them some years ago that there was something lurking in their system that was going to bite them on the arse one day. I explained what it was, and what needed to be done in order to prevent it from biting them. I costed the solution and it came to £60,000. It was actually £10,000 but I factored in a fair bit of contingency, downtime, meetings and a fortnight on the piss, and expected them to knock it down to £30,000.

They responded accordingly and had meeting after meeting after meeting, whereupon it was decided that they should virtually rebuild the factory.

They assigned contractors by the dozen. Three years, and £2,500,000 later, the arse-biting thing is still there, they have had more downtime than ever, the new system still doesn't work.

People have egg on their faces. Last night they ran the new system all night, for the first time, produced virtually nothing, and today had a meeting where it was declared that "the project ran for 24 hours".

Does that sound scary? It does to me. The "project". Fuck the project. It's a factory. It makes things which we sell to make profits and pay people. But no, all that matters is the "project".

Just like the EU.

Dissonance

2011-11-15T10:19:00.000Z

I heard a thing on the radio this morning, about a transgendered person (I think) who was 60. Very interesting, poor thing. Anyway, the interviewer mentioned cognitive dissonance and, as I like big words, I looked it up.

It is a discomfort caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously.

Anyway, I had just bought a can of faux-red-bull, which is 35p, from the local shop. Eric, who runs the shop, is not really very well, he's getting on a bit. His counter is covered in post in brown envelopes. At least one is from The VAT Hounds.

The 35p includes VAT at 20% so Eric has to enter the sale of goods somewhere and HMRC (spits) get 6p. At the end of the month all this has to be added up, and no doubt an accountant is paid handsomely to look at it, and the total amount has to be paid to the governments coffers.

I understand why there needs to be 6p given to the coffers. It's because there are people who, through no fault of their own, need financial support. Disabled people, for instance. I probably can't think of any others. And we probably need some sort of NHS and some sort of roads. So I have that idea in my head.

I have another idea in my head. That idea is that a bunch of lunatics decided that there should be a continent in which a pile of disparate economies should have two presidents and the same currency. Both of these ideas are stupid and I don't let them affect me. But then, as the idea slips quietly into the chasm of stupidity, the Supreme Rulers of this paradigm decide that in one last-ditch attempt at keep their bizarre creation alive with a life-support machine of which Frankenstein would have been proud, they decide to throw 1,450,000,000 of these silly Euros at it. It broke the fall for a couple of days, but it's now on its course to oblivion.

Some poor sod has to sell 24,000,000,000 cans of faux-red-bull for these bastards to do this. That's a whole lot of fun someone could have had instead of filling in a line on a ledger or keying in a stupid number on a computer.

This isn't the way the world should be.

Poor Eric.

Someone's taking the fucking piss, that's all I can say.

Humbug

2011-11-07T09:41:00.000Z

Is this just me being bah humbug?

I was in a restaurant on Saturday, which had pissed me off already by changing the menu between my choosing what I wanted and my order being taken, and I had to go without lobster, so maybe I over reacted.

But on the table there was a small card, which I took, and which I have since lost, saying how a quid would be added to my bill unless I took it off, which meant that I'd have to notice this card.

The card is for StreetSmart - Helping the Homeless. It is "sponsored" by DeutscheBank, which means their advertising is all over the stuff, which means that restaurants everywhere are advertising whoever the fuck DeutscheBank are, for nothing.

Stephen Fry is on the inside cover.

Let me tell you, DeutscheBank could contribute MORE than StreetSmart make, out of petty cash, and set it against tax. In a heartbeat.

So I crossed off the quid from the bill. Then went outside and gave the Big Issue seller a twenty quid note and told him to get a B&B for the night. He probably bought drugs.

Fucks' sake. Deutsche anything can fuck off. So can Santander.

http://www.streetsmart.org.uk/

M5

2011-11-07T07:50:00.000Z

The M5 crash on Friday midnight was tragic. Seven dead, many injured.

Our esteemed Plod are now treating it as criminal because some smoke from a bonfire may have drifted across the road. Or something.

Let me explain.

The M5 is a three-lane motorway. It's designed to have a thing called traffic on it. That's cars and vans and lorries. They go from A to B.

Sometimes it doesn't work out, sometimes one of the traffic is tired, bent out of shape after an argument, distracted, even drunk. Sometimes one of the traffic has an MOT from a country in the EU that will give you an MOT for a Euro even if the wheels are in the boot. When one of the traffic misbehaves, it can cause a crash. Usually all the other traffic stops and everybody gets cross until Plod have cleared up the mess.

Sometimes it's worse. Sometimes a lot of the traffic is tired. This tends to happen at midnight.

It's a bastard for those involved, the families, everyone.

Learn. Keep your distance. Assume everyone else on the road is tired, cross, distracted, drunk, stupid, incompetent, homicidal, and that their wheels are just about to fall off. And assume you're the biggest twat of the lot. I know I am.

It's not worth trying to get there two minutes earlier. It really isn't.

Stay safe. Please.

Mum

2011-11-07T07:19:00.000Z

My mum has gone to a nursing home.

She has this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parkinson_plus_syndrome

You don't want this. There are a load of big words in there which are chiefly euphemisms for shit, more shit, and even more shit.

I haven't got a mum any more.

Where is Harold Shipman when you need him?

If I had one of "those" pills I'd give it to her.

Why

2011-11-04T11:17:00.000Z

Why the government are targetting UNISON - and why UNISON need to take responsibility

The government promised to sort out the economy. There are many ways in which they could do that; unfortunately most of them rely on a stream of money coming in from people who don't have the confidence to provide it. Those people are too busy licking their wound from the Euro fiasco and they're very probably looking to get a mighty return on their investment to compensate.

One other way is for British Industry to get off its backside and start making things that other people want, but so many obstacles, both financial and administrative, are in the way. Perhaps removing these would be a start?

The cheap and easy way is to spend less. Again, one way to do that is to stop propping up dodgy economies like Greece’s, but for reasons I cannot fathom that is not an option. I suspect that Merkel and Sarkozy have kidnapped Cameron’s children, or something.

So, that leaves cuts.

Cutting spend means cutting jobs.

UNISON members are public sector workers paid for by the private sector. The private sector are people who do things that other people want to pay for, such as manufacturing, banking, finance, services, etc. The public sector do things that people have to have, like emptying bins, teaching children, nursing, doctoring, etc.

In the private sector, if a company doesn’t keep to its budgets, it goes bankrupt and everybody is out of a job.

In the public sector, if a company doesn’t keep to its budgets, tax goes up and their budgets are increased.

When the tax paid by the private sector drops below the cost of the public sector, then either more tax needs to be paid, or borrowing needs to increase, or cuts have to be made.

Cuts have to be made. UNISON is the biggest union, and to achieve financial stability, the government have to either pay everyone in it less, or lay some off.

Union leaders are being paid more than the Prime Minister, so they have an interest in appearing to support their members. The government won’t negotiate, because there is nothing to negotiate over, therefore the unions strike because that is their only recourse.

But this is madness. When the union workers are on strike, they are not being paid. This only exacerbates their agony and anger, and attracts the ire of the public whose service are being cut and who being inconvenienced. The union bosses, however, are still being paid, and the union dues are still payable. Genius, isn’t it?

UNISON need to take responsibility. They need to start by assessing any possibilities of their members taking early retirement, changes of job, retraining, etc. They need to work WITH the government. That won’t happen. They wouldn’t even work with a faux-Labour government under Blair and Brown, so there is no chance of it happening with well-heeled self-sufficient, nay rich, sons of bankers and Eton.

Greece

2011-11-01T10:15:00.000Z

This is what has happened in Greece.

It is probably utter cock, which is why I'm writing it. Please let me know what is wrong here?

I am not an economist.

Greece is in debt. It owes money to people. I think these people are mainly China. They have lent Greece money (rather a lot of it) and they thought that Greece would pay it back, plus some more money, which is called "interest".

Greece can't pay it back because they have spunked it on buying votes for the government, by telling people everything is wonderful and they can retire at 55.

There were two options. The sensible one would have been to say "whoops" and then the people who lent the money would have gone "oh bollocks" and that would be that. The value of your investment can go down as well as up.

The second option, which is a bit daft, is the one they chose. Greece (via the EU) say "look, if you voluntarily accept a 50% haircut, we'll pay you back." This means that for every Quid/Euro/Drachma/Yen/ChineseThing the people lent them, half of it goes in the bin, and Greece will, one day (snork) pay back the other half, with interest. And the interest rate is HUGE.

They key is voluntary. Without voluntary Greece is bankrupt and under the rules of bankruptcy the lender can either fuck off or take the whole of Greece and ship to to China or somewhere. Expensive. Not worth it.

Here is the bit I have trouble with. Having done this haircutting, instead of Greece being about 60% short of being able to pay, they are no only 20% short.

So they're fucked.

Hope this has been of interest to one and all.

Goodbye

2011-10-20T12:25:00.000+01:00

In the light of revelations by Cameron, Clegg and Miliband that the will of the British people is not of any interest to them, because they know better, I would like to say just one thing.

Lots of cleverer bloggers than me, and even some politicians like Nigel Farage, and many of the press, have put the arguments both lucidly and succinctly, so I won't even try to do better.

This is my message to them. Just this.

FUCK. YOU.

FUCK YOU, IN THE EAR, WITH A RUSTY POLE.

You do not represent me, nor anyone else in this fair isle. As far as I'm concerned, you can just fuck RIGHT off.

Goodbye.

The results of my comprehensive research into the ongoing problem with the European Single Currency (The Euro).

2011-10-18T12:39:00.003+01:00

Scrap it.

Three

2011-10-17T10:25:00.000+01:00

I have, of course, nicked the title from the film with that bird who gets her Norks out a lot.

Nothing to do with that though.

I went to the theatre on Saturday afternoon to see a play called "Three Days in May" which was about Churchill, and his mates Lord Wotsit, Neville Thing, and the Two Labour Blokes.

It was a good play. It's about what may or may not have happened in the three days in May in 1940 which Churchill conveniently brushed under the carpet in his "history" of WWII. Where the French say they'll surrender, and eat more cheese, and Mussolini says he'll recommend to the Germans that they leave us all alone, as long as Britain says "yeah, all right then."

May have happened. Luckily Churchill told them to fuck off.

In the interval the lady next to me said "I remember all this like it was yesterday." I think she could. She was about 85.

I said to lady "Isn't it such a shame that it didn't make any difference, now we're ruled by Germany and France?"

"Eh?" she enquired.

"The EU." quoth I.

"Oh, yes. I have heard of it. It doesn't really register with me. What have they done?" she asked, innocently.

"Oh, for fuck's sake."

Argh.

OMG

2011-10-14T13:58:00.000+01:00

The iPhone 4GS.

God. I am such a naive Penguin.

They're not queueing up to buy it. I thought they were, because mine is a bought one (no, it's an olde-fashioned 3GS my old boss bought for me).

They're queueing up to RENT it. Our lad at work, who is separated and on about £12k a year including shift allowance, tells me his ex has one. It costs £45 per MONTH. And you have it for 3 YEARS. And that costs £1,620. Yes, you can make some calls on it for that money, and send some txt, and have some internets. His ex does not work. He pays her maintenance because they had a child. And she spends it on THAT.

Jesus. I believe mine cost £400 (probably less). I pay £2 a week to TESCO (spits) which gives me loads of calls and shit, and sometimes they top it up a bit more so I have about £100 credit on it, fuck knows why. Might be a mistake.

Someone tell me what the actual fuck the world is made of? I am lost.

Diet

2011-10-14T10:44:00.000+01:00

Here is the Pengy diet.

Eat when you're hungry.

If you eat lots of MacDonalds you will die.

You will die anyway.

Eugh

2011-10-13T19:03:00.000+01:00

The EU explained for idiots.

If you know this already, fuck off.

If you don't, read it. If you don't see it as a problem, go back to your telly and fuck off.

If you think it's about time something was done, for fuck's sake tell me what.

The EU, European Union was meant to stop wars in Europe after that cunt Hitler kicked off last time.

OK so far? Right. Countries signed up to it. The UK did, having told the plebs (you) that it was all to do with cheap fish and cheese, so you did, you gullible twats. Still, that's done.

In 1992, the Maastricht Treaty (so-called because it was signed in Maastricht, a shithole in Belgium) was signed on our behalf by John Major, who didn't ask anyone else apart from MPs who mainly said "no". That gave the EU more power. Denmark said no, in a vote, so they had another vote, until they said "yes".

The EU like power. They like control. Find a picture of the cunt von Rompuy and tell me he isn't the Emperor off of Star Wars.

In 1995 the EU made a special money called the Euro. That meant they could control money too. Brilliant.

Anyway, they didn't have enough power. So they had another treaty (treaties are like a new set of powers that they like to give themselves). It was called the Lisbon Treaty (so-called because it was signed in Lisbon, in Portugal). The Irish asked their people to vote for this. They said "no". So they voted again, until they said "yes". This was in 2009.

Another load of power. Now, folk, the thing with power is it's a drug. Once you have it, you need more. Like any other addictive drug.

Now they realise they've fucked up majorly by trying to bring expensive countries (Germany) in line with the cheap ones (Greece). They forget to mention that Greece's accounts were bent as a nine-bob note, but because people in the EU should have seen it coming, it got swept under the carpet.

So they need another treaty. So they can rob countries of money (well, not countries, more you and me, really), so they can prop it up. And it will happen, again and again and again. This treaty is called the ... actually, I have no idea. I don't care. I know Slovakia voted "no". So they made them vote again until they said "yes".

So you know as much as me now. It sounds simple, because it is.

Any ideas?

Women

2011-10-13T13:28:00.000+01:00

Women are up in arms that they're not going to be retiring 5 years earlier than men.

And they're protesting.

Right.

THERE IS NO FUCKING MONEY. And the CHIIILLDREN aren't going to be earning it either.

You've been told for years. Actuaries (the pen pushers who work out who long you'll live and how much it costs) have been telling Blair since he got in. He said "la la la".

Now, for fuck's cunting shitridden sake will you cunts get a fucking grip on reality and shut the ACTUAL FUCK UP?

Shit happens.

And Cameron, grow a fucking pair, and make this HAPPEN.

Jesus H Christ.

How STUPID ARE YOU PEOPLE?

PM

2011-10-11T12:32:00.002+01:00

This is what I'd do if I was PM for one day.

Barroso, von Rompuy: Sod off. That's it. No, no discussion. Bye.

Banks: the value of your gambling can go down as well as up. Live with it. Ditto investors, shareholders.

Income tax. Bye.

HMRC. Bye.

Petrol will be three quid a gallon and will fund everything. Get stuck in.

Whitehall: Bye.

We drive on the left, we speak English, we do not do war. OK? Good.

Those who lent the country money under previous misguided regimes: Whoops.

Entrepreneurs: start a healthcare scheme, please, also bin emptying services, recycling, anything you like. Also, car parking is free. Sorry, NCP. Find another way. Maybe wash the cars.

There is no council tax, for there is no council. Bye.

Nurses, teachers, other useful types: the entrepreneurs will look after you.

See what happens, eh?

Any questions?

ADDENDUM:

If you're skint you'll be fed.

Farmers. Grow what you like. You know more about it than I do.

Gays: you can marry who you like, where you like. It's nothing to do with me. Wear a fucking dress if you want.

Any more questions?

Citizenship

2011-10-10T14:44:00.000+01:00

Hey ho.

I'm British. Unlike half the fucking government.

http://www.ukcitizenshiptest.co.uk/ is the wonderful citizenship test devised by Martians. It's pants.

Here's my one.

I think you'll agree it is more useful.

How do you spell GUINNESS?
a) like that
b) not like that
What shape is a football?
a) spherical
b) square
What is the European Union?
a) a scam
b) a distant galaxy
What is BEER made of?
a) hops and malt
b) milk
What is Belgium famous for?
a) chocolate and chips
b) a really good government
What are apples and pears?
a) stairs
b) a rubbish fruit salad
Curry is ...
a) good
b) bad
Complete the sentence: "An apple a day"
a) keeps the doctor away
b) is one of your five
Tony Blair left because
a) he ran out of money and saw the shit hitting the fan
b) Gordon was his big mate and he wanted him to have a go
David Cameron can Fuck Off.
a) true
b) false

Score:

mostly a: you are British.

mostly b: you are clearly some kind of cunt.

Force

2011-09-29T12:39:00.000+01:00

Force is an influence that will cause an object to change in some way. It is something you apply to an object.

It may change its properties, such as velocity (speed/direction) or, if it is immoveable, its shape.

An object at rest, that is having no forces applied to it, will remain in its natural state. If you wish to change its properties, then you apply forces.

Force requires energy. You cannot just have a force acting on an object to move it from its natural state without applying energy.

If the energy runs out, the object will return to its natural resting state.

If you apply too much force, the object will break.

These are some of the problems facing engineers.

The Euro is an object.

Wanted

2011-09-29T10:48:00.001+01:00

I just wanted to say this.

When I was in Alsace last year I went to the war museum. Alsace was taken over by Germany during WWII, being on the border, and cards were put through every door saying (in French) "You are Germans now. Your cry will be Heil Hitler."

The cards had a smiley face on them.

I think the French in Alsace, almost to a man, were thinking (in French) "You can shove that RIGHT up your arse, Adolf."

Yesterday, Jose Manuel Barosso, President of the EU, said "There is nothing wrong with the EU. People just won't do what they're told."

I say, Jose, "You bet your sweet bippy, matey."

I am not alone.

Scared

2011-09-27T21:38:00.000+01:00

A lady, I do not know her name, is to be subjected to ten lashes.

This is what 10 lashes looks like. http://islamreform.net/user/cimage/shallagh-2.jpg

Regardless of what you may think, there are laws which need to be changed. One is to do with tweeting about airports. There are many more.

A lady, whose name I do know, Ashtiani, was "got off" by the power of Twitter.

I can be offensive. I will continue to be so.

I HATE PC.

PC is what ensures that one does not say anything which might make a difference.

God, what is UP with you people?

King Abdullah, of Saudi Arabia, will not commute (or whatever the fucking word is) the "sentence" of the lady who DROVE a CAR. She will be lashed. And not in a good way.

WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK will you not say what you think? I have been slagged off for being racist, religionist. For FUCK'S SAKE.

When did this thing come in where you have to kowtow, to draw the FUCKING LINE, so that nothing you say matters any more?

Jesus, girls.

King Abdullah is holding the entire state to ransom in the name of religion. Argue. He is subjecting a woman who DARED to do something about this shit to TEN LASHES.

If I say raghead, Allah, cunt, Fucktard, 18th Century I get slagged off.

Look. These people live in the dark ages.

What the actual fuck is going on here?

If someone wants to put me right, do.

If not, I'm saying raghead, coon, wog, nutjob, anything you fucking like.

Get in,.

Thanks.

Week

2011-09-22T10:54:00.000+01:00

A week in the life of Troy Davis.

Sunday.

Not hungry. Been cooped up in here for twenty years. They're tried to kill me three times already. I didn't do it.

Monday.

Still not hungry. Still didn't do it.

Tuesday.

Not hungry. Getting a bit worried now. Can't see any news, nobody seems to care.

Wednesday.

Jesus. I think it's going ahead. NO! Hold on. They haven't done it. Thank God.

Thursday.

Friday.

Saturday.

Civilisation

2011-09-22T07:44:00.000+01:00

On Wednesday 21st September 2011, the part of our planet known as the United States of America executed a man called Troy Davis.

I'm not going to go into the legal stuff, the bits and pieces. All I know is that most of the civilised world think that it's dreadful. The evidence was irrefutably WRONG, and the powers-that-be, the "gods" in whose hands are people's lives, KNEW this.

I know we have cancer. We have accidents. And now we have God-playing state-interferers as well. Wonderful.

It is, to me, the end of modern civilisation.

I shall now do EXACTLY what I like.

First, though, I shall weep. For my family, for humanity, and for the future.

Jesus.

Davis

2011-09-21T19:46:00.002+01:00

Troy Davis is going to be killed, yes killed, at midnight UK time tonight by the delivery of a lethal injection.

I'm not a lawyer. Anyone who knows me will be well aware of what I think about our legal system, let alone that of America.

He allegedly killed a cop. One of America's finest. A cop, in the Met Police Force, had pictures of my kids, because he was a paedophile. He got fuck all in the way of sentence and was out in the square root of that. He has a protected identity and a secret address. So you won't find him. His name is David Geering (I am not allowed to say this) and he had a Rover car with a personal plate. Which I know. If I were him, I'd be shitting myself. He was as guilty as sin.

Anyway, nuff said. Cops are not all good, or bad. I was one. They are people. You shouldn't kill them.

I know nothing, NOTHING, about Troy Davis. He's black. He's probably disadvantaged, who fucking knows? Who cares?

If he killed the cop, then I'm not sure I agree or disagree with the death sentence.

What I DO know is this: the evidence isn't strong enough to hang your hat on. And if there's ONE shred of "not sure" running through this, then there is NO WAY he should be killed. Terminated. Executed.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

And, if there is a God, I pray to that God that he speaks to Judge Penny Freesemann, the only person in the world who can save Troy (and how the fuck did THAT happen?), and helps her to do the right thing.

UPDATE:

The Libertarians have chipped in with "we STOP the state killing people"

The British Freedom Nazis have chipped in with "what about the WHITE people who were MURDERED by BLACK people".

Brilliant.

Colander

2011-09-16T19:11:00.000+01:00

People are dying of starvation in Africa. It's not nice listening to the helpless screams of your undernourished child before it dies, horribly.

People are being oppressed by their own governments, all over the world.

People even in England are homeless, destitute and helpless.

I understand that the large Hardon Colander cost 4.4 BILLION quid.

It might detect the Higgs-Boson particle. But it won't. You know it won't. Apparently it either doesn't exist, or it's hiding.

Who actually gives a fuck? If it does, there's a God. Big fucking deal.

Somebody rationalise this for me, please?

EDL

2011-09-14T10:09:00.000+01:00

As you will know if you're a regular reader of this shit, I'm a rampant evil racist bastard with far right leanings who thinks that it's fine to earn loads of money and choose how to spend it, rather than hand it over to the government so they can decide, badly, who they're going to spunk it on.

I also think that chaps who wear frocks in hot countries are not to be trusted, and that trying to shove together a bunch of disparate countries with no common currency, language or even culture is a pretty stupid idea.

I like to travel a lot, when I can. I go to all sorts of strange places. I am old, and was brought up in a "Christian" country, and I wear trousers. And speak English.

I drink beer and smoke fags. And I eat pork.

If I go to an "Islamic" country, I don't drink beer (except in Turkey where they will serve it to you in a twenty metre radius of a mosque in a Coke cup as long as you pay cash and don't tell anyone). And I don't eat pork. You can't, unless you bring in your own pig. And the airlines have trouble with that.

If I go to a "Buddhist" or "Hindu" country, I don't drink beer except what I can get in bottles in the hotels, and I don't eat any sort of meat because I don't trust it. In fact, I have no idea what I'm getting because it written in squiggles, and you eat it with your fists (pretty much like up north).

I don't want to live in those countries. They don't fit what I want.

I don't mind if frock-wearing chaps with towel hats want to live in England. Not at all. As long as they want to speak English and live like English people live. We have laws, made by asshats mainly, which we sort of abide by. They need to abide by them, or live somewhere else. That's completely fair, it's a choice they make.

And there is really no doubt that we're going to hell in a handcart. It's because people put people on pedestals and think they must have been right, people like Keynes The Economist, who was clearly talking out of his ringpiece, but unfortunately his "theories", or as I like to call them, "horseshit" are still taught in universities around the world under the guise of "fact". That and the fact that half the country think the "left" is evil, half think the "right" is evil, and most are watching Big Fat Gypsy Wedding anyway.

Germany had a similar problem in the early 30s. I hear that inflation was running so high that people had to take their wages home in wheelbarrows, but then realised the wheelbarrow was worth more. So they voted for a government run by an Austrian bloke by the name of Hitler (he was really called Schicklgruber but that means "cuntface" in German so he changed it).

He was bonkers. But he had an eye for a nice uniform and a peculiar gait which was to be called the goosestep. Crap haircut and tache. But he was a great orator and he found a common enemy in the Jews. The Jews are a hard-working, although tight, lot, and they were pretty successful, especially when it came to moneylending and stuff. So he set the people against them, invaded Poland, became infamous, and probably spent the rest of his life in Peru or somewhere. Who knows?

Anyway, shut up Pengy.

There was a mob of what we in the 70s called the "skinheads", so called because they shaved their heads. They wore bovver boots and short trousers. They dies out eventually because they were cunts. But they used to do Paki Bashing, where you blamed pakistanis for everything. Pakistanis are a hard-working lot ... see above.

Today, there are the new skinheads. They are called the EDL. If you put all of them together in one place and added up their collective IQs, then converted it to its weight in kilos of dynamite, it wouldn't be enough to blow one of their hats off. They claim that the ragheads (an affectionate term for chaps who wear frocks and have those towelling hats) are the cause of all evil. Which they are not.

Sadly, people with those hats and often with hooks for hands and eyes missing due to an accident with explosives were responsible for blowing up some towers, the odd bus, etc. So it's easy for the idiots to target ALL of them. Muslims. Islam. I have many friends who are of Islam, i.e. are Muslims. They're a peaceable lot. Much more than "we" are. Bit bonkers IMHO, with all this religion malarkey, but then again, who isn't?

Anyway, the EDL are all over Twitter, like a shitty shirt. They use the hashtag #EDL. I'm going to troll the crap out of it today, just for fun. Feel free to join in.

Race

2011-09-13T19:04:00.000+01:00

Coo. Lee Jasper, black nationalist and socialist, has protected himself. So only he and his mates know what racist bile he's spouting today.

Lee is the chair of the London Race and Criminal Justice Consortium. As far as I can tell, that has no status more that of the Norks and Bacon Party. A bit of a laugh. Same goes for Co-chair of BARAC, Black Activists Against the Cuts. I'm the Chair of White Anarchists Not Knowing Shit.

Lee can be found on Twitter as @LeeJasper.

This is an open letter to Mr Jasper. I hope he reads it.

Dear Lee

I'm Pengy. I'm a member of the human race. I'd salute you if we had a salute, but we don't. I see you and your friends, all black, funnily enough, are on your avatar on Twitter doing the black power salute thing. Nice one.

I'm guessing your aim, apart from inciting racial hatred, is to get more black MPs into Parliament? Brilliant. Good luck with that. I'd like to get a few less lying, conniving, troughing ones in, myself. And women. Women are more straightforward than men, most weeks of the month.

Problem I have is that you, as part of the negroid "race", hate me, as part of the "Europid" race (or IC1 as I like to call it). And no, I'm not indigenously English, I was French in 1066, apparently.

Anyway, I put it to you that you're just a bloody nuisance. I'm also guessing that you get poor misguided sods to pay for you in the pursuit of your "goals". Like Bob Crow does, but you're probably not as bright as him. Easy to do, I know. Apparently people are still members of the Labour Party, headed by a brother-fucking dullwit the likes of which British Politics, indeed Britain, hasn't seen in many a good year. Same goes for the LibDems, whose leader has sold them down the river. Also the Tories, who have done nothing but lie their teeth out since they've got "THE POWER".

Anyway, young Lee. I don't like your attitude. You probably don't like mine much. I hate violence, which is a bit of a sod as I'm quite good at it.

I don't like your single-issue stance. Black, innit. I'm white, by the way, I might have said that earlier.

I'm white.

Fucking annoying, isn't it?

Now, why don't you think about working together with people, instead of trying to create an artificial divide between us, and with the Mongoloids? We're humans, Lee. All of us. I'm not more a whitey than you're a blacky, or whatever you call yourself.

I'll be in that London on Thursday. I'd be happy to shake your hand and buy you a beer. Let me know. Comments aren't moderated.

Thanks, pal.

Pengy xxx

CUNTS

2011-09-12T20:00:00.000+01:00

Gemma Hayter was murdered by thugs. Some might say she was murdered by disadvantaged young people.

No, she wasn't. She was murdered by COMPLETE CUNTS. Having been tortured.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-coventry-warwickshire-14885830

Her mother said that she didn't hate the killers and that she pitied them. I hate them. I don't pity them. Whoever the fuck thinks I should because it's not their fault is bloody well complicit.

I pity people who have a problem, with society, because they've got a disability, because they're disavantaged, because they can't cope.

I don't pity people who make someone such as Gemma, a lass with learning difficulties, drink their piss. That's premeditated. I don't give a bollocks whether it's to big themselves up. It doesn't matter. She was locked in a bog. She was beaten. She was cleaned up and dragged along. Like a fucking dog. She was cut, had a plastic bag put on her. Murdered. Stripped.

The judge, the smug, self-satisfied fucktard, said that one of them was a nasty piece of work.

I can do better. And I'm not even a judge.

ALL of the perps are subhuman, a fucking disgrace, not fit to live on any sort of planet with the rest of us. They are cunts. They are truly filth.

I'm sure someone will say they have psychological problems. All fucking FIVE of them. I don't care any more.

If this is society, if this what we are robbed for on a daily basis, this is what I would call a serious fucking malfunction. Human life is NOT sacred. Not when it's like this. Really. If this was a mixy rabbit you'd shoot its brains out.

You, dear reader, have no idea what I feel right now. NO IDEA.

If this is the society we have become, where this even gets a look-in for a spell of free telly and three square meals a day, I resign.

Now, let's have a look at the parents.

Despair

2011-09-09T11:48:00.000+01:00

I read Cam Moron's speech on education this morning. Quite good actually.

He raises some interesting questions, then misses the point entirely.

Questions like "If Estonia can (blah blah, blah) then why can't we?"

Good question. Easy answer. His answer is to put a couple more teachers in, check spelling, punctuation and grammar, get someone else to write the speech for you then deliver it in a "we will fight them on the beaches" stylee and all will be well.

Unfortunately most children won't have read this speech, nor heard it. It wasn't screened between America's Next Top Model and The X Factor, so mine definitely won't have. And it isn't on Facebook either so far as I know. So they won't give a fuck.

I know Cam Moron doesn't give a bollocks either, because the only thing he gives a flying fuck about is whether he gets elected again, unless he's finished his book by then.

Oddly, though, if the kids do manage to get through skool with half the lessons being taken up by citizenship and obedience, they're then faced with a nine-grand a year bill for whatever they fancy doing at uni. I hope some become doctors and vets. Unfortunately these days you need a degree to be a nurse (unless you don't speak English). I imagine there's a degree course in car salesmanship.

In Estonia, they charge you a fee depending on the course you do. That's a good idea, isn't it?

Of course it is. Ask Cam Moron whether he knows this? I presume not, otherwise he wouldn't have asked such a stupid question, really, eh?

BTW. I know this about Estonia because I googled it.Cam Moron probably doesn't have Google.

http://www.ut.ee/orb.aw/class=file/action=preview/id=907156/tution_fee_2011_2012.pdf

CHRIST

2011-09-08T11:04:00.000+01:00

THIS is the last straw.

Our esteemed government, aka the bunch of knobheads who are supposed to be running our country, OUR country, not THEIR country, have really done it this time.

Number Ten have released a game. A fucking GAME.

I QUOTE from their Twitter timeline: @Number10Gov, the official Twitter channel for the Prime Minister's Office based at 10 Downing Street, London:

"Could you run the country? Put yourself in the hot-seat with a new online learning tool MyUK from @UKParliament createmyuk.org"

My initial reaction was that the Downing Street cat had inadvertently composed that tweet, by accidentally stepping on the keys in the right order. That would have made sense to me. I would have been happy with that.

But no. http://createMyUK.org is real. Argh. Registered to Peter Stidwill, Parliaments (sic) Education Service. Paid for by you.

And here is what it says. I'm not joking. Really.

TITLE: Create a country to call your very own. Any alarm bells ringing yet?

TAGLINE: It's your country, your rules. Shitting your pants yet? I am.

OBJECTIVE: Choose and pass new laws, ... pursue your personal vision of the UK. Gone into cardiac arrest? No?

Then, dear, though obviously moronic reader, let me explain in a Blackadder style. *takes two fingers, pokes them in your hitherto blind eyes*

I am not a psychologist or anything. I'm just an old cunt. One who pretends not to understand very much, for I find that this makes it easier to ask people questions. But try to fathom what kind of mentality even THINKS that this sodding game is a good idea.

THEN, for FUCK'S actual sake, LOOK.

To call your very own. You absolute cunts. Words fail me. It is not YOUR OWN. It is OURS. It will never be yours. You are elected to do a fucking job of work. You gained your votes by standing by a manifesto, or, as I put it, a sack of fucking lies, NONE of which, to my knowledge, you have acted upon. Nor do you intend to.

It's your country, your rules. No, it fucking isn't. The RULES were set in place by King John a LONG FUCKING TIME AGO, in the Magna Carta,which you all but ignore. You treasonable chamber pot of vomit.

Choose and pass new laws. Fuck RIGHT off. You promised a bonfire of crap legislation. You have delivered exactly JACK SHIT. You have lied, cheated, wheedled and cajoled your way through the first disastrous year of a SHAM of a parliament. You have done NOTHING for ANYTHING apart from protect your own cushy jobs.

Pursue your own personal vision of the UK. Fuck RIGHT off. Then come back here and FUCK OFF again. Repeat until I'm happy that your filthy, perverted, power-driven dream of MEGALOMANIA has transformed into something like your FUCKING JOB DESCRIPTION.

You absolute bunch of greedy, deluded, spongers on the backside of the decent, honest, hard-working people of this godforsaken country.

For the love of RIGHT, HUMANITY, FREEDOM and COMMON SENSE, will SOMEONE STORM THE WINTER PALACE?

Because there's no other way on God's earth that this shifty bunch of thieving amoral scumbags are going to leave the trough.

I feel a bit better now.

Religion

2011-09-07T12:14:00.000+01:00

That's something you shouldn't talk about in a pub. That and sex and politics.

Here we go then. I'm getting a bit pissed off with people who seem to think that their view is somehow right, per se. I have a view on a lot of things, most of which I know nothing about. And I'm entitled to it. And you're entitled to call me a cunt. Carry on.

I was brought up to believe in God and Jesus and Mary and Joseph and that the only language God understands was King James English, and I think that was their biggest mistake. See, when you realise that Jesus was probably a lot darker than me and almost certainly had a big conk (I said CONK), then probably God can speak Hebrew, or Yiddish, or Latin or something. Also, there is a distinct possibility that Adam actually didn't just pop out of nowhere, and Eve probably didn't nick one of his ribs.

Having said that, I do believe, because of the force of logic and maths and stuff, that there is some sort of divine entity somewhere who probably lurks in one of the dimensions to which we ordinary mortals aren't privy, and could even be inside a dimension outside of which we find ourselves. I don't know. I'm not going to argue either.

I do think that stories about mangers and asses and donkeys and geese and wise men and kings are nice for kids. I don't give a bollocks what you think.

I also think that organised religion, the forerunner of government when it comes to brainwashing and control, is responsible for very many deaths, torture, violence and suchlike. Which is a bit shit.

I'll tell you what, though. I'm sure Nadine Dorries is genuine in her beliefs. I'm sure she really does think that aborting a foetus is murderous. She's entitled to think that. She's also entitled to your opinion, in that it's your body. Your decision to have an abortion. I've been instrumental in one. A long time ago. I'm a murderer.

What I don't believe is right is the witch-hunt attitude. Whether Nadine is a nutjob or not. OK, if the whole government is God-botheringly Christian, that scares me. But they're not. And this vote is not going to be swayed by a couple of people. Right or wrong.

Think what you like. That's what people do. But don't proselytise. It's out of order. I know many Christians, quite a few Muslims, a Buddhist, at least two Wiccans, loads of agnostics and a handful of atheists. And a Jedi. No, really. None of them are radical. None of them proselytise either. Mostly nice people (apart from the Jedi, which is me).

So, just a suggestion, why not shut the fuck up? There are important things to sort out.

I don't know WHY I mentioned geese, before you ask.

Feral

2011-09-06T12:48:00.000+01:00

This is why I don't riot and loot.

I shall start by saying why I think I probably should, and why I understand people who do.

I'm a grumpy old git. This is because I was brought up when everything was evil, communists, homosexuals, drugs, everything. We were taught that. And DON'T fucking tell me we weren't, because you probably weren't there, and you have been fed a load of mishistory.

I don't think communists were ever evil, except to capitalists. I don't agree with either. I don't agree with any ist.

I probably used to be a homophobe. And a racist. And a protectionist. But I'm just a grumpy old git, and a lot of people I would call friends are poofs, black, brown, yellow, pink and even FOREIGN.

Some things have changed for the better. Some. In the process of these things changing we seem to have lost freedom of speech and freedom of choice. That annoys the hell out of me.

I often think how nice it would be if everyone woke up and realised that the people who are running the global show are only in it for themselves. But I know that won't happen, not as long as half the people in this country rely on the show for their living. Ah well. When you get to my advanced age you realise that you haven't got long before you go on the one-way trip to Switzerland (unless they make THAT illegal too). I'm looking forward to it. In the meantime I try to make as many people happy as I can, and I try to be a right fucking nuisance to those who deserve it.

I do lots of stuff. I don't have a telly, but I have loads of other things I enjoy doing, so I only ever get bored at work when I run out of Evil Plans to construct and execute.

So I half ignore the cunts, as there's so little I can do, apart from being a nuisance.

I don't riot, yet. Mainly because I have a job and kids and stuff. Also, I think the current set of turds-in-charge might put right some of the damage created by the last lot, so rioting and looting would be a bit silly, as it would probably get the other lot in again.

However, this feral underclass. I don't think they're an underclass. They're feral. Don't think they're not. Once part of society, they are now in a position where any prospect of a job has gone. They'e undereducated. They probably come from a long line of the undereducated, through no fault of their own. If you brave the streets of Wellingborough today (it's market day) you will see the next generation of the poor sods in their pushchairs outside Costa Coffee with their unemployed mums and often dads, smoking Polish cigarettes. Were these my kids I might try to engage them and teach them something and perhaps spend some of the dole money on food for them, but it doesn't go like that.

These people can't do many of the things I do to entertain myself, because they haven't been taught to. In my experience they spend a lot of time fishing, God knows how they afford the stuff, God knows they'd be better off educating themselves, but NO, it doesn't happen. It's a fact. Argue if you like, from your comfy semi somewhere.

What the fuck are they SUPPOSED to do? No job. No prospects. I know, brilliant plan! Let's say "We're all in this together" and show them by driving around in chauffeur-driven jags, claiming huge expenses, pissing money up the wall like there's no tomorrow, tell them the Olympics is on (but they can't have a ticket) and everything is wonderful. Excellent. And if that doesn't piss them right off, tell them where they can and can't smoke, what they can and can't say, tell them just in case they weren't fucked already that Uni is going to cost them ten years wages and won't give them a job anyway.

Yep. That'll work.

Now fuck off,Clarke, you huge throbbing bellend.

Thanks.

Crap

2011-08-30T19:08:00.000+01:00

BBC Radio 4, between 6.30 and 7 pm today.

Why? Just why?

Fags, Mags and Bags, I believe it was called. It was the biggest pile of unadulterated shite to which I have ever had the misfortune to listen. Faux-Scots accents, ditto Indian ones.

Whoever wrote, directed, played and even produced that should really think about an alternative career.

Were I a Scot, Indian or BBC licence payer I would be seriously offended.

Anyone like to tell me where I was meant to derive humour, entertainment or perhaps the will to live? Perhaps I missed the point.

Gravy

2011-08-30T10:02:00.000+01:00

I like gravy.

It's important, because some meats, especially beef, need to be rested after cooking. A good sirloin joint, for instance, needs to be rested for some twenty minutes to allow the muscles to fully relax, so the meat is as tender as it can be when it gets to the plate. It is important to allow the meat to cool.

That's where gravy comes in. Gravy adds moistness to the dish, and also enhances the flavour of the meat, if properly made. In addition, it provides heat to replace the heat lost when the meat rests.

I usually make my gravy with the meat juices. This way, the otherwise-lost bits from the cooking are not wasted. I add a little mustard powder. Or, sometimes, Dijon. Some bouillon, the swiss stuff. Thickens and seasons, like Bisto, but without adding alien flavours.

But my tip for a good gravy is this: ALWAYS add a little wine. And make sure it's the same wine as you're going to drink with the meal.

Fusion. Fusion gravy.

Nom.

Prolific

2011-08-23T11:10:00.000+01:00

MPs. I don't think any MPs read this blog. I don't blame them, it's mostly drivel.

Perhaps someone who knows an MP or something about MPs would know the answer to this, because it has puzzled me for ages.

When someone who appears to be really straightforward and honest becomes an MP, why do they suddenly start to talk shite, agree with whatever the Prime Minister says, and generally go on a self-destruct mission, taking the country with them? Why would they want to perpetuate wars? Or perhaps the imposition of curfews and cens*rsh*p?

My suspicion has been that when they become MPs, they get taken into a darkened room and told all sorts of secret things which only MPs can know. I would be happy with that, because I guess that if I knew all sorts of secret things I would have to ditch any moral scruples I had, and appear to become suddenly very, very stupid, in the national interest.

But part of me thinks that this can't be true, because if you told certain MPs certain things, they'd immediately blurt them all over the social media, like Twitter.

So what could be the reason otherwise? Is it that power corrupts?

Help me.

Booze

2011-08-23T10:36:00.000+01:00

While I'm on my soapbox, here is another law I would like to see. And no, I don't like laws. But this one is tops.

I know what I say won't make a difference, but at least I said it.

I would like to see all booze duty removed from sales of booze in pubs. All of it. It can be replaced by a higher tax (duty my arse) on booze in shops. Especially supermarkets, and especially Tesco, but that's a bit impractical.

See, the win here is that people will go to pubs. The British brewing industry will win, and that's often small concerns, such as fff, Hog's Back, Pot Belly and the like. Chavs might stop drinking turps substitute, White Ace and similar drain cleaning products which they buy for 59p a can. People who drink in pubs, instead of caning the stuff at home, at least have someone to look after them if they manage to get shitfaced. Even someone to stop serving them when they're incapable of coherent speech and motion.

And the other upside is that people might even talk to each other. They might even see how the powers-that-be are arse-raping them.

Can't see why this doesn't get implemented. Er, hang on ...

Lorries

2011-08-23T10:06:00.000+01:00

I don't like laws. Laws are often bollocks. They are made by man, born of woman, to control other men, born of women. They have no right to do that. But sometimes laws are a good thing. If there aren't too many of them, and they're sensible. And all they do is to guide people to do what is sensible, when those people are too fucking thick to work out that for themselves.

I've recently been travelling sur le continong, and various countries have different laws concerning their traffic. Some of them are a bit daft, to my mind. Like in Germany, they have this thing where, if you're in a built-up area, you have to slow down for every fucking junction and give way to cars pulling out in front of you on your right (which is, obviously, the side they drive on, or it would be even more silly). But if there's a yellow diamond, you don't. I know why they do this, it's to keep the traffic slow, and to make jobs for people who make and install yellow diamonds.

The Spanish have what I think is a brilliant idea, which is a traffic light on approach to a small town or village on a mainish road. If you approach it too fast, it goes red. You have to stop. It holds you up for a minute. Therefore, you don't speed through the village and kill their kids. And if you do go too fast, you hold up all the traffic behind you, and they all hoot at you and make "wanker" signs, and you feel a fool, and you don't do it again.

Here is a thing I would like to see become a law, and also the reasons why.

Lorries. I work in a place which is pretty full of lorry drivers most of the time. Salt of the earth. Also thick as planks, for the most part. Lorries are restricted by law to 56mph (which is near enough 90km/h so it isn't as daft as it seems). Some are governed so they CAN'T do more than that. But the governors aren't that accurate, so you'll get one doing 55, one doing 57, etc.

When one of these overtakes another, it can take a long time. Don't correct my maths here, because i know that it's inaccurate, and I know why, but it isn't significant enough to matter. When a lorry doing 57 mph overtakes one doing 55 mph, the difference is 2 mph. 2 mph is near enough 3 feet per second. A lorry is usually in the order of 30-something feet long, so for the faster one to pass the slower one takes approximately 90 seconds.

While this lorry is overtaking the other lorry, he is pissing off people like me, wasting fuel, causing accidents and generally behaving like a prick.

Now. If the lorry was doing 55 mph, and he was going 100 miles, he would take 109 minutes. If he managed to get up to 57 mph ALL of the journey (which would mean hogging the outside lane for EVER), he would take 105 minutes. A saving of just four minutes. My transport department tell me that he would use, on one of their tankers, roughly 5% more fuel too.

When he gets to his destination, he normally waits at a gate of some sort for some paperwork, so he can load or unload.

So, folks. Next time you see a lorry driver, tell him this, eh?

Or, perhaps, a law prohibiting these selfish, thick bastards from using any lane apart from the slow one, except to overtake tractors, would be a GOOD law?

What do people think? Especially lorry drivers?

People again.

2011-08-22T20:40:00.000+01:00

People I met on the last tweet up.

Me

Awesome. Just awesome.

@_AngryM_

I like Ange. She's cute. And she's genuinely nice too.

@DarthMeerkat

Darth. Great chap. Comes complete with broken limbs as well.

@mario426

Smiley fella. We like smiley fellas.

@Girlie4

BRAVE girl. Had a fucked up back, didn't moan, wouldn't take a taxi. Top.

@PME200

Poof. I kissed him. Not on the mouth, obviously. Nice guy, but a bit of a leftie. Good German, he speaks.

@fleetstreetfox

Norks.

@Lord_Credo

Apparently a con artist. I prefer "suffering from something". Don't know what, not my place to say. I hope he gets better.

@Art_Li

Chinaman with a huge truncheon, made me laugh like a drain.

@obotheclown

Complete cunt.

@StarShaped_Girl

Just lovely.

@NikNakOnCrack

Lovely too. I'm not saying NORKS again. Deserves better.

@browneyedsally

Also lovely and has great friends. Which is nice.

@machecazzodici

Babe. And bought me an Ameretto. Star, therefore.

@reporterboy

Not a poof. Why did I think he was? Been on the telly, by all accounts. Entertaining chap.

@MarkStamps

44. So he says. Looks about 6. Great bloke. Very popular.

@feinics11

Completely wasted. Gay girls should all be ugly. Grr.

@ThatSpidey

Laaaandan gel. Funny as fuck. Would pass the pencil test.

@PeterMannionMP

No way an MP. Too much of a decent chap.

@MisanthropeGirl

If you could only go on the piss with one person, this would be the one.

@Fat_Jacques

Fat. Not Jacques. ALWAYS good value.

Not bad. Nice people.

You know, I don't know what most of them do, really. Nor they me. I don't care much.

Just be yourself. Especially you, Credo. You made me laugh.

Libya

2011-08-22T12:49:00.000+01:00

When I was a pengy chick, Russia was EEEEVIL. I remember this from school, and my Dad. You weren't allowed to say anything, and you disappeared if you did, and were cast into a fiery pit. And taunted by the devil with a red-hot toasting fork.

I thought this was true until quite recently, when I got into a conversation with a Russian. On the web. He wrote a piece of software that I bought for $25. He was a decent bloke, although his name was Ivan. He wasn't at all terrible.

He said Russia was quite a nice place to live, and he was happy. And he had the internet. Weird.

I think I was lied to. I don't think my Dad would lie to me. So far as I know he never did. He just told me what he believed to be true. So did the teachers. Mind you, then, it was EEEEVIL to be a poof. Or mentally ill. Or get divorced. There were loads of EEEEVIL things, like not going to Sunday School.

Anyway, the Berlin Wall has been knocked down. You can go to Russia on an actual aeroplane. Or a cruise ship. Next year I will go there, via Latvia, Estonia, Dresden and Poland. Which shows how good my geography is.

Anyway. I have read the PM's Statement on Libya.

It all seems fine. Apart from the actual words, and the content. Because to me, this sounds like the sort of bollocks I was fed when I was a lad.

I can find no evidence AT ALL of any goings-on which would justify any kind of insurgence in Libya. I'm looking for violent murders, public executions for stealing a chicken, that sort of thing.

Apparently, people are jailed if they disagree with the "regime". Let me offer you an experiment. Go to your local tax office and tell them you disagree with being robbed, and refuse to pay their extortionate demands. Or go to the Canaries, buy a suitcase full of fags and try to bring them in. Or distill your own whiskey. See what happens.

Apparently, if people REALLY disagree with the "regime", they sort of disappear. Dr David Kelly.

If you do stuff the "regime" doesn't like, over here, like nicking a bottle of water you might get 6 months chokey.

Of course, you can do paedophilia here, if you're a Met Policeman, and you get a draconian sentence of 9 months, following which you get a new identity and rehoused at the state's expense. Don't suppose you'd get that in Libya.

But I've asked people who've lived there, people who KNOW about Libya. And it isn't all evil. Apparently there is no free election, or democracy. You can't vote for someone such as UKIP, Libertarians, etc, and expect them to have even arse-end outside chance of getting in. Not like here in the UK.

But, of course, we are a GREAT country.

I know this. The pilots enforcing the No Fly Zone in Libya have shown incredible bravery, professionalism and dedication. Or, to put it another way, done what they're told to do, and exactly what they are paid to do.

Now look, I'm not being stupid here, am I?

Someone disagree. Please?

Hitler

2011-08-22T09:50:00.000+01:00

I didn't mention the war, you know. Couple of weeks in and out of Germany and Austria, I bet I didn't mention it more than, say, a couple of dozen times. Brilliant.

But I went to Nürnberg. We call it Nuremberg, which is obviously correct, but the foreign johnnies call it Nürnberg.

Anyway, in Nürnberg there is a big concrete thingy called the Zeppelin Stadium or some such. It's pretty shit. Not many people go to see it. The car park is empty. It's like something out of a film where the Zombies take over the world and the only people left go to this monstrosity. Or something. I don't understand why.

When you see old footage of Hitler in black and white, that's the place where he's standing, addressing the masses. You can go up there. So I did. I stood exactly where Hitler stood. You can see the big square in front, and then the woods obscuring the huge road behind. They were only put there after the war. There is a full sized coliseum too, and lakes and stuff. Hitler had these built because he was a loon. A megalomaniac. A genocidal nutjob, come to that.

Anyway, I was with an older (yes, there is someone older than me) lady. She was born in East Germany and snuck over in 1960, just before the Berlin Wall was put up. She's well-educated, and an English teacher. I've seen the Hitler footage, and he came across as a loud-mouthed fuckwit. I also read Mein Kampf (in English), and it's the most boring book I've ever read apart from "Everyday uses of Portland Cement (2nd Edition)". So I asked Mrs Woman, to whom I shall refer as Ully, for that is her name, "how the actual fuck did this galloping knobwit manage to rally the people, then?" And she replied "Ah, because he was a brilliant speaker, an orator without equal, a believer in his cause."

That's how Germans talk, you see. Anyway, I realised that the reason I thought he was simply a loony is that I don't speak German. It would be like a dog listening to me, I suppose. All I can hear is the intonation. No words.

But then it occurred to me that maybe I can see through to the lunacy beneath because I don't understand the language. I only hear the music. Not the lyrics.

I don't know. But when I hear some of the tossers today, in politics, and just look at the way they present stuff, without hearing the words, you know, I think I see some of that same stuff. And that scares the shit out of me.

Try it. Watch Dishface Cameron, Militwonk, old footage of Bliar, Brown, Manglebum, and turn the sound off.

Be afraid.

Tell me if you're not. And send me some of what you're on.

Cat

2011-08-04T21:21:00.000+01:00

The words:

Will you save the Cardiff Kitty?
RSPCA is shitty.
Take it home and make it pretty?
Save the Cardiff cat.

They will feed it poison
Get a bloody move on.
Home that mog
You mutton wog
And save the Kitty from a fate much worse than

Death. You bastards
Save that pussy
Make it welcome now and don't be wussy
Save the cat. I plead profusely
Save the Cardiff cat.

The boyo:

http://audioboo.fm/boos/430609-save-the-cardiff-cat

Go on. Do better. And save THAT CAT.

Torture

2011-08-04T15:23:00.000+01:00

I hate nasty things. I hate nasty films, even. Can't be doing with them. So why I visit torture chambers I have no idea.

This one was in England somewhere. Oop North. Can't remember. All torture chambers are pretty similar. This wasn't from all that long ago.

If you're like me you probably won't want to read any more. Don't.

There was a magistrates court next to the "prison". The accused went to the magistrates court if, for example, he stole a chicken. The magistrate sent him down if he didn't like the cut of his jib. No forensics.

There was this stone-floored shithole, with a hole in the floor to the cellar, about 20 feet down. But they didn't drop the convict down there, not just for stealing a chicken. Oh no. What they did was to tie his wrists together behind his back. Then pick him up, by the wrist-ropes, via a pulley in the ceiling. Then drop him. Halfway. If they didn't manage to dislocate his arms after a few goes of that, they tied a concrete weight to his feet and did it again. A few times.

Once they'd ripped his arms out of his sockets and dislocated his elbows and wrists, THEN they dropped him down the hole. Amazingly, some of them lived for months or years and were released.

The magistrates obviously went home and had a sumptuous meal and shag and stuff like that.

They were working for the state. The elected Parliament. Like we have now.

Yep, that was for stealing a chicken. I can't bring myself to relate what happened if they robbed the state. Or killed someone.

Personally, I'd rather be hanged. I really would.

But then, I'm not afraid of death.

Ditch

2011-08-04T14:26:00.000+01:00

Now. I asked the Twitterer known as Lord Credo, ex-government squirrel trainer, whether, if I blog something that "they" (and who are they? The spooks) won't like, will I wake up in a ditch? And he said no.

So I will.

You may like to try this experiment.

Get a member of your family to tell the Salvation Army that they haven't seen you for ages and you're dead worried.

This is what the Sallys will do. They will arrange for you to be contacted via your NHS details. A letter will arrive from the NHS, to you, with the Sally letter inside. DON'T answer it.

You'll get another. And another. And some of these letters will come from, and to, untold places. They'll go to places that you never knew you'd lived in. But more importantly, they'll come from a "unit". The government, or state, have loads of these units.

I'm not saying what these units are. But you know the data protection act, and they're not supposed to hold information about you that they won't reveal to you?

Well, bollocks. All I'm saying.

Off you go. Won't take long before you know what I know.

Oh, and if you don't hear from me, check the ditches.

Loss

2011-08-04T14:03:00.000+01:00

LloydsTSB have lost £3,000,000,000.

Can't understand why.

I've just been down the bank to get out 200 Euros for the kids holidays.

I gave the chap my service card. They have a machine to read those. He didn't put it in though. He got a form out of the drawer, a triplicate form. He put some X's in it, then my account number and sort code and name. Written in capitals, in pen. He gave it to me to sign. He then got the key for the Euro Locker, and disappeared for ten minutes. He came back with Euros. He then typed into his workstation what he'd written on the form. He then went under the desk and turned it off and back on again. He then put those numbers in again and wiggled the touchpad a lot, then hit return about 15 times.

He then counted out the Euros. Twice. He returned to the touchpad for another wiggle. And a couple of returns for luck.

He tore off the front piece of the triplicate form and wrapped the Euros in it. He put one in the drawer, and one on the spike.

20 fucking minutes. The queue was out of the door when I left.

I don't know HOW they lost £3,000,000,000. No idea at all.

Someone will know why they do this.

Death

2011-08-04T12:35:00.000+01:00

I'm the only one who hasn't done death penalties yet.

So this is what I think. Probably.

I think our legal system is an abortion. Years ago, being a broadly Christian country, which is a bit odd, Jesus being from somewhere vaguely in the middle east who didn't speak any English, we based our few laws on the Ten Commandments.

The first three went to the wall ages ago. The God one, the idols one and the blasphemy one.

Then the next two went with the Sunday trading law and most people realising their parents were actually wronguns.

That's half of them. The other half are a bit different, and we sort of go with them. Apart from adultery, which appears to be pretty much mandatory. Oh, and coveting. That's wanting stuff you can't afford, pretty much. For that, there's VISA.

So we're left with theft, slander/libel, and murder.

Let's deal with these? Theft. Nicking stuff that isn't yours. Like tweets. Or simply unauthorised taking of money. The state does this one. Daily. Weapons-grade theft. But you mustn't. OK? Fair enough. And if you DO nick stuff from people then probably you should have to give it back, plus the same again. That would be fair and just, to my simple mind.

Slander/libel. That's where you say someone did something or said something, and they didn't. It's there so people can get rich by hoping someone will say or write something about them and then they can get a pile of compensation for it. I think that one's a bit silly, so scrap it.

That leaves murder. Murder is quite an easy one. It means that you kill someone, pretty much. There can be many reasons why you'd do this. Well, not YOU, obviously, but some people. Now, there is NO WAY on earth or in heaven that anything other than killing someone could be construed as punishable by death. No sir.

But, is it possible that, for those who are REALLY evil, their death is an appropriate punishment? I think so. I don't believe the maxim that "people only do evil, they are not evil". Because that's bollocks. Some people are evil. Hitler was evil, I reckon. He might have been mentally ill, but evil nevertheless. Happens now and again. Probably Saddam Hussein. Possibly more than one of our great illustrious leaders, not mentioning any Mandelsons. Or Blairs. Who killed people, not by pulling the trigger, but as good as.

Ever watched a film and hoped the evil baddie dies horribly, painfully and messily before the end? I have. And they usually do. Does that make me wrong? Evil? And you?

Right, this is what you're thinking now. What if someone is killed by the state and subsequently found to be not guilty? They've just been locked up for 25 years. That's OK. The state can compensate them by giving them a bucketload of cash. Yeah. Right. That's fair? Compensation? Fuck off. And this happens. And I KNOW, for a fact, that our legal system is a pile of steaming shit. Some ponced up twat with a degree in law smarming his way round a judge. There's NO FUCKING JUSTICE there. It's who can afford the best one wins. And I didn't make this shit up. I was told this by more than one solicitor, more than one barrister, and a judge.

Fred West, Myra Hindley, The Yorkshire Ripper, the Soham Cunt. If the proof was there ...

Now come on. Get off your "don't trust the state" high horse. No, I don't trust them either. I wouldn't trust them to look after my dog while I went to the shops. But, when it's proven, 100%, cut, dried. What do you REALLY think?

I'd pull the fucking lever.

Libbies

2011-08-04T10:47:00.000+01:00

I hate tribalists. Bloody people.

I know many who are tribalists. They are Tories. Evil Tories. And Socialists. And Liberals. They're all bonkers. I understand why they are ists. They are ists because they don't like the other ists.

So, socialists think Tories are evil. They think this because they think that the Tories are very rich and want the bosses to be very rich and the workers to go down the pit and die so the workers can wear top hats. No, really. They think the Tories want to close down the shitheap that the NHS has become and that if people want to live on McDonalds and pies and then get gastric bands to keep them alive so they can carry on eating McDonalds and pies, then that's OK, but the EVIL TORIES want to close that down and when they become obese, like Eric Pickles, they will be able to afford to go private with the money they stole from the oppressed workers. Really, they think that.

Tories hate socialists because socialists want people to come out of the pits and wear top hats, and they want Tories to pay for them. Really. And socialists want everyone to earn the same, because that's only fair. So Tories hate them.

Liberals hate everyone because they never get in to government. Unfortunately they're now in, with the Tories. So socialists hate them. And so do the Tories, because they can't do what they want. And now everyone hates them because Nick Clegg is a smug cunt.

But there are others. They are Libertarians. They want liberty. And freedom. And a smaller state. There are more and more of them. They don't hate anyone. Except other Libertarians.

And this is why they're all cunts. Because they don't fucking know WHAT they want. They know what they DON'T want. And they argue with each other about who is the best Libertarian. They'd be OK if someone uninvented the term Libertarianism, because then they wouldn't be ists. Then they could start again instead of trying to conform to something. They are non-conformists. Trying to conform to a paradigm of non-conformity.

Daft.

I would like freedom (we don't have that much of it despite what you're spoon-fed) and liberty (ditto) and a VERY MUCH smaller state. I would like that quite a lot. But I'm not a Libertarian. I'm not an anything. Possibly anarchist is closest, because I don't believe that I, you or your hamster needs any sort of state. Society isn't a state. Bees have it. And ants. They do OK. They don't tend to murder each other too much. They sort of look up to the wisest bee or ant. And they do what they need to do to eat and shag.

That's just what I think. I hope someone argues, cos I'm bored out of my skull today.

Weird

2011-08-03T20:17:00.000+01:00

Twitter is weird. I went for lunch yesterday with the lovely @_AngryM_. I follow her and she follows me. We both follow some other peeps, and some of them follow us. If you see what I mean.

I looked at her Blackberry (spits) and she looked at my iPhone (yay).

But looking at her timeline it was like a different app altogether.

Odd. Maybe it's just me. I invited some peeps to our tweetup (pissup) and she had no idea who they were. Nor did I, come to that.

Maybe it's just me. Probably is.

Microcosms and shit.

That's all.

People

2011-08-03T11:48:00.001+01:00

I have been asked by people about people.

The people who were with me last night, for the benefit of those who didn't know them and still don't.

If I missed you, tell me.

In no order at all:

Me
@_AngryM_
@DarthMeerkat
@mario426
@Girlie4
@PME200
@fleetstreetfox
@Lord_Credo
@Art_Li
@obotheclown
@StarShaped_Girl
@NikNakOnCrack
@browneyedsally
@machecazzodici
@reporterboy
@MarkStamps
@feinics11
@ThatSpidey
@PeterMannionMP
@MisanthropeGirl
@Fat_Jacques

Not bad. Nice people.

Anarchy

2011-08-01T11:54:00.000+01:00

Hello, Metropolitan Police.

I understand you're looking for information about anarchists? According to the Guardian, you are.

Here I am. I'm an anarchist. An anarchist is someone who espouses the philosophy that the state is useless, undesirable and harmful. Yup, that's me.

I'm afraid I don't yet go round setting fire to great public buildings, although there are a few shoved up in the 60's that desperately need it. But I can tell you that the state, as it is today, is all of the above. It's actually one big mindjob that is self-perpetuating, a huge waste of time and money and resource.

My kids told me the other day that anarchists are evil. They learned this at school. It's OK, I've put them right. They're anarchists too, now. I call them Spartacus and Spartacus. If possible, perhaps you'd put them in the same chokey as me, if that's possible, as I'd like to see that they are not brainwashed any more than they have been already.

Anyway, if you want me, Google will give you the IP address. Or simply leave an email address or phone number in the comments, and I'll pop round. I'll be in London all day tomorrow, so if you let me know which Nick you like me to come to in order to hand myself in, that'll save time. I shall probably be shitfaced.

Alternatively, there was a cop, one of yours, the Met, who had paedo photos of my kids. He got 2½ years for it. He knows where I am. I don't have his address, as he was out in 9 months and was given another identity. By you, I assume. And is now anonymously sitting somewhere, probably at a PC, grooming his next victims.

Anyway. Bye for now.

Oh, by the way. I think I might be the only anarchist, actually. Perhaps if there are any others they could say so in the comments.

Jesus (aka Spartacus).

Telly

2011-07-29T14:50:00.000+01:00

I don't have a telly. I haven't had one for years. There are one or two programs on it worth watching, in my opinion. I like the wildlife ones if they're good. Also there is a bit of entertainment and drama. And a whole lot of adverts.

I threw mine out of the door one day.

I don't have to buy a licence any more. If there is anything good, like Life on Mars, I buy it on DVD then I can watch it again if I want. And pause it. And stuff. The licence fee is a choice. It is NOT a tax. No telly, no fee. So don't moan. Do something about it. If you want to.

So, anyway. If you like your telly, then that's fine. Of course it is. I find that since I dumped it I have loads of spare time. And I do loads of stuff.

My stupid hashtag, #NoTelly, on Twitter was some suggestions of stuff, all of which I do, which you could consider trying. Or you can veg away in front of the box.

The government like you to do that. What sort of state makes it mandatory to screen crap like party political broadcasts anyway? They love it.

They've got you.

They haven't got me.

Enjoy.

Date

2011-07-29T12:55:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I sort of quite enjoy being unique. I know everyone is, but I don't seem to "get" anything that's going on.

And I am not a good example of anything here, don't think I am. I am the proponent/victim/result of at least three failed marriages, and those are just the ones in which I've been a spouse.

But, this. I don't understand this. Dates.

When I were a lad we used to do stuff. We used to go to school, uni (not me cos I iz thick), pubs, clubs, whatevs. It was OK.

School was a bit shit cos the headmaster used to drive a pink MG and call the boys "little gnome", and he was pretty much a useless sack of shit. He's probably dead now, but his name was E.P.Dewar. The cunt. It was a mixed school so there were gurls. Most of them were cleverer than me (as were most boys) so they went to uni and stuff.

I won't say about Uni cos I didn't go.

Pubs were OK. You could smoke in them and they had jukeboxes and bar billiards and darts. Sometimes we streaked in the car park as well, until my mate Tim slid down the bonnet of my A35 on to the "Flying A" and separated his bollocks on it. Oof.

Clubs were many and varied. We had bands and that kind of thing which was nice. Mainly amateur bands, like Lindisfarne, Deep Purple, Genesis, The Stranglers. Couldn't hear a bloody thing anyone said.

We used to go to Winkworth Arboretum and jump in the lake and do barbecues and have picnics. And play tennis down the local courts. The magistrates used to get a bit upset about it but we didn't give a fuck.

We were mates. There were gurls and there were boys. There was me and Tim and Alistair and Mark and Nick and Dave. There was Maxine and Donna and Lesley and Debbie and Sally. There were various others who drifted in and out, and in and out. We did daft stuff. We went to the seaside now and again, hired a coach, got slung out of the pub, came home again. We had laughs. Never hurt anyone.

We knew each other for years, us lot. Some of the boys fell in love with some of the girls. That was eons ago. They are still together. That's nice.

Now, what seems to happen, and honestly, it didn't used to, not where I was brung up, is that people "date". They meet people of their sex of choice, specifically to see if they are going to be partners, when they know sod all about them. Which I think is a recipe for a load of bollocks.

Why do they do this? Someone tell this poor old Pengy?

Followers

2011-07-29T10:43:00.000+01:00

One of us has the wrong idea about Twitter.

This "follower" thing. Piers Morgan has a million. I have around 500. I used to have more but then I got pissed off and deleted my account. That's quite fun, 'cos when you set another one up the screen goes blank. Cool.

Half of the Twits who follow me aren't real. I can't be arsed to delete them. I don't even know HOW to delete them. Half of the rest are weirdos, like me.

There is kerfuffle on Twitter today because apparently it's unfollowing people for fun. SNORK.

People who care about how many followers they've got are probably a bit sad. Actually, they're probably very sad. Amateur wannabee media whore sad. Ah well.

Here is a simple guide to how to get followed by me, in case you care.

Easy way: make sure your avi has a picture of decent Norks, or legs, and simply say hello.

Harder way: if you don't have to hand a set of Norks, or legs. Say something funny. Or clever. Or both.

How not to get followed, or to get unfollowed: simply talk about followers and virtually nothing else. Or ASK to be followed.

I don't look at #ff's. Only if they're funny or clever. Or have Norks in. Definitely NOT if they're from ffhelper or in a big list.

If someone RT's something from someone which makes me ROFL, PMSL or SNORK, I will probably follow the one who originally tweeted it, too.

Hope this helps. WHY anyone would want me following them I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.

Tribute

2011-07-28T20:49:00.001+01:00

Ed Miliband, please hold my hand
And lead us to the promised land.
You lost the fight, I know not how
We've got the coalition now.

But now you've had you nose done up
And we know we've been sold a pup
It really is a piece of shit
There was no way of stopping it.

That Blair was such a polished turd
And Brown unpolished, so I've heard
And you're the guy to lead us by
Still waters, Ed, it's time to fly.

We want you sire, to bring the fire
Of Labour, this is our desire,
To win for us, to drive the bus
That Cameron is such a wuss.

Your brother's fucked, you did him in
The knife was in your very kin.

We want you now to be in front
Yes, even though you're such a cunt.

That Blair was such a polished turd
And Brown unpolished, so I've heard
And you're the guy to lead us by
Still waters, Ed, it's time to fly.

EU

2011-07-27T13:56:00.000+01:00

Brilliant.

Apparently, the EU has some sort of undefined, unlimited power to restrict criticism in the general interest of the communities

Which is a bit of a shame, because I was going to mention that it's a huge financial drain, a failed experiment in trying to emulate the USA but with dozens of different languages, currencies, unelected Presidents, unaudited accounts, and I hope it crashes and burns.

But I can't now.

SNORK

Tacks

2011-07-27T12:33:00.002+01:00

I would like to pay more tax, please.

Not for long, just a couple of years, to sort some shit out.

This is how I would like it to be.

I would like to see a detailed job description, a statement of work done, hours worked and expenses and salary paid for every civil servant. I would like to decide which, if any, I would like to keep, then get rid of the rest.

I would then like to see a statement of what the country owes, and to whom, and under what terms, and would like to tell rather a lot of them to shove it up their collective bottoms. The rest I would like to renegotiate, and I would not give a bollocks about what that did to our wonderful credit rating, as we would not then need to borrow any more.

I would then like to use the extra tax to pay off the ones that really did need paying off, if any.

Then I would like to leave it like that. And if anyone in government ever ran up a bill again, I would like them to be put up against a wall and shot.

I would like to pay more tax, like that, please.

Thanks.

Globalisation

2011-07-27T11:28:00.000+01:00

I'm only posting this so you can call me a racist.

I work in Northamptonshire. It's pretty much the home of the boot and shoe industry of England. Or it was.

We have a footie club, called Rushden and Diamonds. It was in the Conference League and I believe is now in a division. Or something.

It's owned, pretty much, by Griggs. Griggs make Doc Marten's. Favoured by the skinheads of the 70's, and workmen the world over. It employed 3000 people. They made stuff.

Griggs still make DMs. But not here. Not in England. They're made in the Far East now. And they're shit. No, really, they're shit. And cheaper. We used to get "seconds" from the factory shop at R&D's ground. They were mint. Now the ones in the shop are worse than the seconds, and the seconds are two pairs for a fiver and worth every penny of a pound.

Griggs are richer.

This places is a shithole filled with unemployed people, right next door to Corby which is also full of unemployed people, but with Scots accents even though they've never been north of the Watford Gap services.

That's good. Isn't it?

So I'm a racist.

Also I don't care about the starving people of China. Or whatever.

I *do* know, for a fact, that now these DMs get made by poor sods on a bowl of rice a day, while some fat cunt, who is now a brown or yellow person instead of a pink person, gets richer and richer.

So call me a racist.

Go on.

Either that or come up with some equally ridiculous lefty bollocks about the world being one big melting pot.

Or come and see me one Saturday night, and I'll show you what a shithole you can turn a place into, in the name of greed.

Bring a kevlar jacket and a weapon of some sort. Book early to avoid disappointment.

2011-07-25T21:19:00.000+01:00

None of you buggers argued with my democracy thingy. Down there. Maybe. Or here http://tiomarvo.blogspot.com/2011/07/democracy.html

I assume, therefore, you didn't read it, or that you agree with it, at least to some extent.

I am a simple person. Not thick. Simple. I believe in simple. I am an engineer of sorts. Engineering, that's mechanical, software, biomedical, you name it, is simple. It's logic. It's where a thing has to work. It will work. It works if you do it right. If you do it wrong, it doesn't work. It kills people and it goes bang.

Politics is simple too. It is messy if it isn't right. It's taught by people who've never done it, using theories unproven, in schools and universities around the world, to people who want to be nobs. And talk bollocks. Hope you're with me so far.

So. England. Where I live. We have democracy.

Apparently we have democracy. We ARE a democracy. And we aren't getting democracy. Sounds a bit daft, but that's the way I see this.

Still with me? Hope so.

Then, this:

We are offered a democracy, which we aren't getting. And to which we are entitled. Therefore, in simple, logical steps, we should have the democracy to which we are entitled. And as we are not getting it delivered, we should take it.

Now, I'm not saying Norway or any shit like that, because that is just deplorable, nutjobby. murderous cock.

I'm thinking just a plain, easy, straightforward "er, hold on, what's all this bollocks, no, I'm not subscribing to this wool-pulling pomp and circumstance God Save The Queen (part-owned by the EU)" codswallop that we have now.

Anyone arguing yet?

Please tell.

Democracy

2011-07-25T20:37:00.000+01:00

Hey ho.

Democracy, eh?

Churchill (Winston, cigar-wielding who was PM in the wartime coalition) said "... democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried."

It was just after he'd been voted out. A vote of thanks for the war effort, you know? He was actually a bit of an upper-class cove, was Winnie, but hey?

Anyway, my point. As those of you who know penguins will be aware, I write this shite so people can correct me. I'm not at all cocky. I'm often wrong.

But this is what I think. At the moment.

Democracy means people power (from the Greek). That's a laugh, in itself. That it's people power. And Greek. Two laughs, right there.

Anyway, it means that you get a choice, and make it. I'd like to try that form of government, I would.

Because, dear reader, at the moment you get a choice of two and a bit. You get Conservative, or Tory, and you get Labour, or Socialist, and you get the other bit which is Liberal, or Nick Clegg.

Now, please don't think this is right, but DO tell me how wrong I am.

Conservatives are posh. Or, to put it another way, people who live in England with jobs or half a chance of getting one.

Labour are Scottish, Welsh, career educationalists and other people who like that way of life. Or unemployed and probably unemployable and with no qualms about doing absolutely fuckall for the whole of their natural lives. There are also some who think that the Tories are evil but they have jobs so they become champagne socialists. Believe me, that isn't meant to be rude.

Liberals truly think that there is another way. I think that they mostly think the other lot are shite, and so do I, but somehow think the Liberals (Nick Clegg) are different. I don't.

As I see it, people are either scared of Labour getting in (I know I am), or scared of the Tories getting in (I know I am), and if they're not scared they either vote Liberal (Nick Clegg) or emigrate.

And now it's worse. Labour are Tories, and Conservatives are Labiral Dimocrats. And Nick Clegg would sell his grandmother.

ALL they give a toss about is POWER. My MP told me that in not quite so many words.

And you know what? I might be a penguin, but I love democracy. I honestly think we should give it a go. Because Churchill was right then. And he's still right now.

Somebody put me straight?

DM

2011-07-25T08:34:00.000+01:00

There is a virus going about. Actually, no, it's a worm. Not really, it's only an Iraq moment.

It's that thing where someone who you follow sends you a Direct Message, or "DM", saying something you can't resist clicking on, unless you're me, accompanied by text such as "This MUST be a picture of you!" (of course it fucking isn't) or "Wow! This is amazing!" (of course it fucking isn't).

They change the message every now and again. One day it might say "free pies!" and then John Prescott will be sucked in too.

When you click on it, you go to a Twitter sign-in page. But it isn't Twitter. Then, like the fool that you are, you type in your user name and password. Then YOU send everyone a DM too!

And then YOU are the bastard, until some other gullible twat does it. then they forget you.

See?

Oh. For fuck's sake, how stupid ARE people, exactly?

Never mind.

Idiocy

2011-07-11T11:08:00.000+01:00

Here is idiocy.

I am working at a food factory. It makes ingredients. It doesn't make food as such, not like what ends up on the shelf and what customers buy.

It is owned by a huge, inefficient, incompetent corporation. The huge incompetent corporation makes food that does end up on the shelves.

In a very few of the factories that make the end product, you know, the ones who make things which have to say "serving suggestion" because the table upon which the product is displayed isn't actually included in the packet, and the jars and tins that have to say that nuts might have once been within fourteen miles of said factory, there could, thought it is inconceivable, arise a situation whereby a bristle falls off a brush and ends up in the jar of whatever crap product it is, and then someone could eat it and DIE, and then the unblemished record of Health and Safety would be tarnished.

And therefore we are not allowed to have brushes. And therefore, within a week, the place will be swarming with lice and rats and there will be a plague of locusts. And a holocaust.

For fuck's fucking sake.

The world is mad.

Fuck them.

Feminism

2011-07-06T10:24:00.000+01:00

Oooer, missus.

Scary one. I said I'd blog about feminism, so I have to, now. Argh.

Feminism. It's about equal things: rights, votes, opportunities, stuff.

Problem I have is that I don't vote, so I can't comment on that bit. I despise politicians, what they do and what they stand for. Because all they want to do is to control and rob. So fuck them.

Rights? Right to vote? Got that. Right to work? Got that too. Right to the kids when a marriage breaks up? Pretty automatic, as is robbing the bloke of the house and anything else he may have worked his bollocks off for.

So. Opportunities? OK. I'm all for equal opportunities. I know some women who can carry a hod full of bricks. But not many. I also know some who can deal with high-level stress. But not many.

Thing is, women are not men. As men are not women. Women still have kids in the species homo sapiens. Men don't. Not yet. I hope to fuck they never do, although some of the changes "for the better" that I've seen since I was a youngster do really fuck me over.

My mum was a nurse. When she had me, cos I'm the oldest of four, she stopped working. I think most mums did in the olden days. She did stuff in the house. She wanted to do that. I liked it and so did my brother and sisters because there was always someone there. My dad went to work. I knew some kids at school whose mum went to work, but not that many of them. Some of them had mums who did other stuff, like teaching, which was handy because they worked school hours and took the kids home with them. To be honest, there weren't really that many huge companies around then. Which was nice, because most companies were run by people who had some idea what they made and had some interest in it.

It's different nowadays. Most women work even when they've had kids. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously, except that there aren't twice as many jobs as there used to be. Therefore the jobs had to be created. Easy to do, all you have to do is to take half the money everyone gets and give it to the other half and make up a job. Awesome plan.

So, that's done. And women can be hod carriers if they want. Also they can be engineers. I know some really good engineer women. They can never be programmers, because their brains don't work right. I know this. I'm expecting a kicking. Nor can the French, come to that. So it's not misogyny.

Women can be chief executives. That's fine, because with all the HR and shit there is in companies these days, if the shit hits the fan and they want to cry, they can, and they'll get counselling. Won't help the company much, but hey?

But, to be honest, the women I have seen in top positions have got there because they're hard-nosed bitches. Women can be much harder like that than men can. And if they are, then that's fine too. I will run a mile if a woman gets angry. If I get angry, you'll know about it. It gets dealt with. In seconds. If a woman gets on one, all hell breaks loose. It goes on for days. And women can say things I just wouldn't say.

So, feminism. Good thing. All in all.

What's bad about it is the way it's going. Norway is showing the way, they have a LAW that DEMANDS that 30% of high-earning positions go to women. Not to people who are most capable. Women. THAT is just fucking stupid. Perhaps 10% should go to black lesbians. Another 10% to people who only have one leg. Or maybe 5% to people with the left leg missing and 5% with the right leg missing. Or something. Load of arbitrary bollocks. Jobs should go to the people who will do them best. And if that happens to be a woman, then fine. Why not?

Here's the other bad thing about feminism.

Most of the activists (I hate that word as much as I hate activists) are catapult-fed and look like blokes. Not all. I know several who are FAR from that. I'm not saying who the catapult-fed blokey ones ARE, because you know already. Don't you? They should shut the fuck up. And get a proper job.

That's what I think.

Now beat me up.

Me

2011-06-30T09:16:00.000+01:00

I left school once. It was a very long time ago.

Whilst I was at school, we did lessons. We did History, Geography, English, Maths, RE, Sport, Music, French. We did Chemistry, Physics, Biology.

I learnt quite a few things.

In history I learnt that we used to kill each other and still do.

In geography I learnt where Ceylon, Yugoslavia and Rhodesia were, and why rivers don't go in straight lines.

In English, I learnt English. And that a conjunction is something with which one should never start a sentence, and a preposition is something one should never end a sentence with.

In maths, I learnt that e^(pi.i) + 1 = 0. Also that triangles don't fall over, and the square on the hypotenuse is the sum of the squares on the other two sides. And that minus b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus four a c all over two a lets you solve a quadratic.

In RE I learnt that thou shalt love the LORD thy GOD with all thy heart and with all thy heart and with all thy mind and with all thy soul and with all thy strength, and thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, and there is none other Commandment greater than these.

I learnt that I was crap at sport.

I learnt that I was good at music and I could play things.

I learnt that, although my great (....) grandfather was French in 1066, the language escaped me. Even though the inhabitants of dear England spoke it for 400 years.

I learnt in chemistry that by mixing certain substances you could get quite high, also blow bloody great holes in brickwork.

I learnt in physics that what goes up must come down, that gases expand when heated, and that if you put a battery and a small electric motor on the LT side of a transformer you could electrocute wasps with the HT side without too much personal risk.

I learnt little from biology.

You can see from this that my career path was mapped out by the time I left. I was to study Tonmeistry at University, and work in the BBC Radiophonic workshop. Apart from failing the A levels.

Bollocks.

So I got a job. It was a pretty shit job, as jobs go. Shift work, which fucks with your head every time the shift changes, and for which I blame what I am now. A penguin with a hook. You had to work, too. Quite hard. None of this having a day off, unless you were dead. You got the morning off for being dead.

The boss was a complete cunt. A northerner, and a Yorkshireman at that, who'd had polio and had a huge chip on his shoulder. Who would sack people simply for being late or lazy or crap. And wouldn't employ anyone who was in a union. He was fucking BRILLIANT. He bollocked me on a daily basis. He sold out his firm to a Big Company and took me with him, simply because I was a cunt too. But a cunt who worked fucking hard when he needed to. And a cunt who was earning Bloody Good Money by the time he was 22 and all his mates were coming out of Uni looking for jobs, mostly in the public sector, many as teachers.

I was lucky.

I would like to say that, had I done what I was "meant" to do, I would have been canny enough to suss out that the whole bloody civil service pensions thing was a huge Ponzi scheme, and if anyone else had tried to get away with it they'd have gone to jail, but I dont know. I like to think I'm not so thick that I could have been conned.

So, there we have it.

If I have a pension, I've bought it. You haven't. If I want a day off I'll have one. I don't expect to be paid for it. I owe you nothing. Anything I have I have worked for, myself. That's not pride either. It's common fucking sense.

So, on this day of strike action, I say to you, teachers and public sector workers:

Just. Fuck. Off.

Whining cunts.

Now get back to work.

Thanks.

Malvinas

2011-06-29T13:38:00.001+01:00

The Falkland Islands are in the news. Well, they were, a few days ago. Rely on me to be last to know.

But, as Peter Falk, star of Columbo, died recently, I am mindful that Falkery, like Fawkes, must never be forgot.

Here is my take on it, just in case I had any friends at all left.

The Falkland Islands is a group of Islands in the South Atlantic Ocean. Its Capital city, or town, or village really, is Stanley, which is not unlike Royston Vasey (apart from the airport). The weather is shit.

When the British Empire was around, we probably robbed it from someone like Argentina. Argentina is famous for Fray Bentos.

In 1982 Argentina wanted to nick it back. They should have asked, because I'm pretty sure our Maggie (who was the Prime Minister) would have given it to them in exchange for a year's supply of those tinned Steak and Kidney Pies with the magic pastry. I would have done. But they didn't. So we sent at least one of the Royal Family over in a helicopter, along with some soldiers, and nicked it back. Argentina lost the General Belgrano (a ship) which was a bit of a bugger for them. Quite an expensive ship.

Anyway, now, some pillock who lives there wants to be Argentinian. Something to do with his wife/bird/mother of his kids living in Argentina. Or something.

So, some Argentinian politician says "Therefore we can have the Falklands back" and Cameron (another politician) says "The Falklanders can be British as long as they want".

What I remember about the Falklands War is that Terry Wogan was in the charts with "The Floral Dance", Mark Knopfler was in the charts with Dire Straits (appropriately), I think with "Romeo and Juliet", I knocked the wall down in my house and it fell through the floor, I failed to pay my office rent because I spunked the profits on beer, so got slung out, I made thousands of pounds in cash (say no more), and I got divorced. Additionally, the Sun had a headline about Argy Bargies. People all thought Maggie was a bit daft about it.

I hope we don't fight over it again.

I also don't understand why people are so possessive about things, and why we can't just eat more Steak and Kidney Pies and live together in peace and harmony.

But the bottom line is that I wanted to show you this black penguin who lives off (quite a long way off) the coast of the Falklands. linky, and also draw your attention to the fact that the Humboldt Penguin is endangered by the people of Peru who steal their guano for fertiliser. The Humboldt Pengy hatches its eggs in guano, because it keeps them warm. And these guano-stealers are Peruvian. And Peru is in South America, like Argentina is.

I think that's a lot more important than politicians. Penguins have done nothing to deserve your detestation and disgust. Most politicians have.

Journos

2011-06-28T11:15:00.000+01:00

This is extracted from something I wrote about a year or so ago.

I'm not defending Johann Hari. I'm just commenting on Journalism.

Many years ago, in a different life, I was in the paper. I'm actually in it quite a lot, usually in the little column describing what happened in court yesterday. But this one was a bit more special. I'll try to summarise what the paper said:

PILOT'S SKILL SAVES PREGNANT WIFE FROM DISASTER

Pilot Philip Foster's skill and training saved his pregnant wife from certain death yesterday when his aircraft's engine failed whilst returning to his home airfield. He averted disaster by landing in a field, avoiding surrounding villages ...

What a hero, eh?

This is the reality.

Philip Foster (the name they used, and nothing like mine) was actually buggering off somewhere else because the weather was nice, rather than returning home, and was skiving off work. The wife at the time was indeed a bit pregnant as I remember, and was reading a book, oblivious to the engine failure which the hero, Marvo, was addressing with what can only be described as the full three degrees of incompetence.

Having looked around for a suitable landing site and found something vaguely greener than most other possibilities, Marvo proceeds to fail to turn off the fuel. He then descends, because this what aircraft do when they have a buggered engine, normally. He fails to apply the flap, then careers into a field of winter barley, about two feet or so higher than the wings, at a rather unusual angle and executes what can only be described as a "crash" which, had it not been for the height of the crop, would have taken out a small village, church and sub post-office.

Marvo then finds the nearest pub and proceeds to drink it dry.

Now, compare that to the MSM article above? Any similarity at all?

No, didn't think so.

Meh

2011-06-26T19:44:00.001+01:00

Meh

Division

2011-06-21T11:27:00.000+01:00

I'm afraid the time has come, as the walrus said, to talk of many things.

Not shoes, nor string, nor sealing wax, not even cabbages, nor kings.

But there is going to be a division, I'm afraid. A huge division. Not like the constant bickering between the party faithfuls of the Left and the Right. Not even the North and the South.

It's whole countries, whole paradigms, whole currencies, whole industries.

Looks like Greece is going tits-up. Not a surprise to anyone who understands that people want, want, want all the time. Personally, I'd swap the finery and nicely-mown parks of the UK for a bit of Greek sunshine and taramasalata any day, but my priorities are different from most people's.

But there are people with a huge vested interest in Greece being in the EU, and the Euro, and everything working according to plan. And those people will be smarting badly if it goes wrong.

On the other hand, there are people like me who are probably more cynical about the whole social engineering experiment and gravy train that is the EU.

I think it WILL go bad. And I HOPE it does. There, I've said it.

That will alienate me from some people for whom I have very much respect and affection.

Shit happens.

Nutjob

2011-06-21T10:56:00.000+01:00

I don't know if I've been hanging around the headcases on Twitter for too long, but blimey.

My brain exploded last night.

There was some shit. My kid having her head smacked into a wall by a bullying bitch at school. And me "having a word" with bitch's dad.

Then when I thought it was safe to go back into the water I had some horrendous news, about a friend.

Then some more minor shit, which normally would have fallen off unnoticed.

Then there I was sitting, Twittering away like the babbling idiot that I am, and someone said something to someone else which I probably would not normally have even blinked at, and some bastard crept into my brain and flicked the self-destruct switch.

Fuck's sake. Red mist, black dog, tsunami of brain cells.

Obvious solution, attack the straw that broke the back of the camel.

Twat.

Anyway, that's where I went. I'm @RealPengy now.

Soz.

Misanthropy

2011-06-20T13:57:00.001+01:00

I am not a lefty. Nor am I a righty. Or a middly, come to that. I am a person. An ordinary person.

I don't really do politics. I have come to understand that it's complete bollocks. But I do like arguing about things I know nothing about.

Here, I try to explain why lefties think that righties are evil, and why it is actually the lefties who are the evil ones.

This should upset a few people.

I'm an anarchist. No, not the Antichrist, an anarchist. An anarchist is someone who doesn't believe in the state. Like me. I don't. I don't need a state. Penguins don't have them. Most animals don't, apart from the bee, and that's made up too, because bees don't call their queen the queen bee, only people do that. Bees just go buzz.

People think anarchy is what the well 'ard boys want, you know, after the zombie apocalypse, where everyone is scared except the well 'ard brigade who loot and rape and pillage. And stuff.

Anarchy, to me, is where you can earn a pound and have a pound to spend on something. You can spend it on yourself. You can give it to someone else. If you have my disability you will probably give it to someone else. My disability is that I like giving stuff to people and seeing their pleasure. I don't mind it, it just keeps me permanently skint.

Anyway, because I like the sound of this I argue with people. I try to convince them that it is a good thing. Quite often they agree, in the end. I beat it out of them.

BUT. Lefties, you know, "to each according to their need, from each according to their means" lefties. The one who are good. Who hate the eviiiiiiiiil Tories. Do you know what they say? They say that if we had this anarchy thing, the poor, the disabled, the unfortunate would suffer. Because nobody would give to them.

And what I think, as a penguin, is this.

What you think of people is what you think you are. I think people WOULD give stuff to people who deserve it, because I would. Of course, they won't give to people who have seventeen kids and don't know who the fathers are, because I wouldn't. They would give to someone who had problems through no fault of their own, because I would. They wouldn't give to people who had a big fuckoff house worth millions who wanted to keep it to give money to their offspring, because I wouldn't.

But the lefties INVARIABLY say that people wouldn't give. Because they wouldn't. That's what I suspect.

Food for thought.

Hate

2011-06-20T10:11:00.000+01:00

I don't hate very many things.

There are two things I really hate. They are rife in real life and on on Twitter. One is easy, it's lies. Being lied to. Lying. Fucking hate that.

The second one is more difficult. I hate it probably more. One reason I hate it is because it probably has a word and I can't find it.

The thing I hate is where someone says something in a crowded room, or tweets something on Twitter, and that something is obviously aimed at a someone, without saying who the someone is. But the someone knows. And I'm as guilty as the next man, woman or penguin. But that doesn't make it right.

I hate it so much that I think that when I see it again I shall be quite nasty. So be warned.

But someone, please tell me what the word for it is?

Thank you.

Alice

2011-06-15T10:33:00.001+01:00

Facebook users can report a page by going onto it and pressing the "report" thingy. It's on the left, under all the bollocks like Wall, Info etc.

Alice Pyne, the brave lass suffering with cancer, does not need some misguided/evil/stupid bastard putting up a page on her behalf for whatever reason, and it is upsetting her.

The page is here (clicky clicky): The offending page

So, go there. Report it. I know Mark Suckaturd is busy making himself a box office success but FFS if enough people go there and tell him, he really might take it down.

It won't cost you anything. It won't take long.

Here's Alice's post: Alice's Post on Twitter just in case you think I'm the evil one.

Just do it.

Or the kitten dies.

Pengy

Pissed

2011-06-13T21:28:00.000+01:00

Right.

Pissed off. Of course things happen. Of course they do. Sometimes they happen more than once. Usually cos you don't learn. But hold on. I'm getting right jacked off with this. As many of you know, my daughter, Melanie, died of fucking cancer. That was shit. And I've had another couple of mates who have.

And here's another one. A Twitter friend. Great lass. NEVER moans. Unlike some people who haven't got a problem and don't even know what a problem is. Like me, for instance.

Does good stuff, she does. Likes animals. Not like Miss World "Oooh I like animals and I want to do some good."

No. Like will make Christmas if she is REALLY lucky but it isn't likely. Like that.

I've had enough of this bollocks. I really have. Let's give it to the sodding banks, India, Pakistan, wherever people are dying of diarrhoea. We can't cure the common cold. We can't sort out cancer without killing the patient half the time.

Let's all extol the virtues of Bill Fucking Gates who's ripped the poor punters off since the eighties with half-baked shit, who has billions of quid he can't spend, and then bungs it on some arse vaccination to some Africans who will now have kids who grow up to be old enough to overpopulate somewhere else. Brilliant. Thanks, Bill, you four-eyed inadequate twat. Thanks you big pharma wankers who've been ripping us off for 95p in the pound since FOREVER.

Thanks God. or whoever the fuck invented cancer. Thank you Church, for having more money and land and everything else than you fucking know what to do with.

I have a plan. Let's have the bloody lot. Let's shove it into sorting out this pile of festering shite. Let's stop bunging it into a country that's still spear-chucking (and those are Prince Philip's fucking words, not mine). And let's cut the shit. And the suits.

Pengy says let's get stuck in and sort it. None of this retire at 50 and have two hours for lunch bollocks. And meetings. Just fucking DO IT.

Now. Argue. You know you want to. Be offensive. I'll ignore you if you're not.

Rape

2011-05-17T10:17:00.001+01:00

Here we go. I'm going to get properly unfollowed, I reckon. Or arrested. Or chastised.

Everyone's having a dig a Nadine Dorries, the MP who says that the solution to the world's ills is to educate girls in the art of abstinence. I'm not even going to go there. So far wrong there's no path to right from it.

But here's some more shit. Most people won't like this. I know this, because women, who are mostly the victims of sexual assault are commenting away on the subject, nineteen to the dozen, as women do (see the sexism coming out there already?)

I can be a twat at times, but I am not quite as daft as I make out. And I'm a bloke. Now, sexual assualt, even rape, is MOST OFTEN carried out by blokes. MOST OFTEN against women.

Apparently, women/girls are inviting this assault by dressing to kill. Hence the #slutwalk march, which I personally think is bollocks.

I have two young girls (and several older ones). They dress to kill. You'd put them at 15 if you saw them dressed up. They're 10 and 12 (nearly). They dress up because they like to. And what's wrong with that? Blimey, if I had legs like that I'd wear miniskirts. But they don't dress up to attract boys, not at that age they don't. Certainly not the 10 y/o, anyway. And she's already got a boyfriend.

Some women think it's about power, this assault thing. I don't. The reason I don't is because I can't rationalise it. I can rationalise most things. Visualise them, even. Being ever so slightly insane, it's easy for me to imagine murdering someone. A couple of them, actually. But not rape. EXCEPT ...

Porn. Nothing wrong with porn, you say? I think there is. Not like Emmanuelle, if that's still porn. But very naughty porn. I don't know if you've ever watched proper porn. I know I have. It's not very erotic, in my opinion. But it leaves little to the imagination. In the olden days, when I was a lad, we had Carry On films, mainly. Anything else was from Denmark and had animals in it, so we never saw any of that. My old man always used to keep a copy of Fiesta in his drawer and me and my brother used to go and dig it out now and again. It had an Australian woman in it, in the centre pages. She was a bit of a minger, to be honest.

But it isn't like that nowadays. Porn gets more and more explicit. Or "nasty", as I prefer to call it. Look, I know what women look like. And I think I've worked out what they like other than decent scoff and flowers. Certainly some of them, anyhow. But if you watch porn of a certain kind, you would be forgiven for thinking that they desperately want a man to make them scream with pain whilst they struggle and he thrusts his throbbing manhood deep into her .... hold on, getting carried away there, been reading too many Sidney Sheldon's.

See? Why the actual fuck would a gullible, perhaps lonely, perhaps oversexed, overhormonal chap of little experience and even less education know any different?

Go on, bleat. Tell me about freedom and liberalism, and how it has nothing to do with anyone else what you can buy over (or under) the counter? Tell me. I gather that our esteemed Controllers are going to hide away the ciggie packets. Put them in plain wrappers. But porn is OK. Even implied rape porn. Trust me, it isn't even disguised.

If you think this is opinionated bollocks, and it is your prerogative so to do, let me know. I'll give you a few titles to watch. If you're good I might burn you a copy too.

I'm off to bash the bishop.

Love, the Penguin.

HOOK

2011-05-16T11:48:00.000+01:00

A seaman meets a pirate penguin in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the penguin has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The penguin replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the penguin, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied pengy.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said pingu, "it was my first day with my hook"

Cast

2011-05-16T09:59:00.000+01:00

This Huhne.

Apparently he's had his ex-missus pick up some points because he'd got previous and this one would've put him over the ten points, thus barring him from driving for a bit. I have no idea why that's a problem, because I thought the troughers all got company chauffeurs and a go at the maid every Friday anyway. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps only senior troughers get all that.

However. I have no idea why there's all the furore. I have done the same. Obviously, I didn't do it on purpose, but my ex-idiot had three speeding endorsements, the twat, and managed to get another one. Or did she? I couldn't remember whether it was me who was driving that day, actually, and nor could she. So I went to court to tell the magistrate this. Three times. The first two appearances got chucked out but the Plod, bless their little cotton socks, wouldn't let it go. On their third attempt to nail someone with the heinous offence of driving through a speed camera at 46 mph in a 40 limit with not a house or driveway in sight, I told the magistrate, absolutely truthfully, obviously, SNORK, that I thought it was me who was driving her car. But I wasn't sure. So Mr Magistrate did the right thing, told the Plod they were wasting everybody's time, slung it out, and I fucked off, on my motorbike, to work.

On the way back, I overtook a whole heap of traffic, because you don't ride a 180mph superbike in order to stay at the back of the queue. Unfortunately, Plod, who were definitely not waiting specifically to nail me because I'd just slapped them one in the eye, then overtook the same heap of traffic, in a car, which was downright fucking dangerous and stupid. And as I wasn't trying to get away, having no idea that they were that vindictive and petty, they caught up with me, putting at risk every other motorist in the mile long hot-pursuit inna Boss Hogg stylee,

They explained (told me) that I had crossed a solid white line. I said "bollocks" because either I hadn't, or I didn't give a shit whether I had or not, or I was a bit pissed off as there is no way they'd have caught up with me had I not wanted them to. So they issued me with a ticket. I went down the nick, and explained to the most senior fuckwit there (who was an inspector and about 6 years old, but he must have had a degree or something so he was very important indeed) that it was a set-up. But, unfortunately, I didn't read the small print on the "producer" and therefore admitted the offence by default. So I told him he was a cunt, which didn't help.

I got done. Got three points.

Ex-missus kept her licence. I told her if she got caught speeding again she was on her own. She hasn't been caught since.

I used to be a cop. Many years ago, when Plod did a proper job. Before paperwork and targets and shit. When they used to catch crims. I had respect then. Not any more.

But, this Huhne. I have no idea who he is, what he does, or anything. But I don't give a fuck either. What I do give a fuck about is that "an extraordinary tape was released". By whom? Who cares? And why is it even admissible?

Fuck this country.

And, furthermore, if you're one of the witch hunters who've been clamouring for blood on this one, then FUCK YOU TOO.

Love

Pengy.x