Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Thursday, 17 March 2016


See, there's this budget. It taxes sugar. Nobody cares. It gives small businesses yawn yawn. And personal yawn yawn.

In fact, yawn, yawn.

But the economy is something or the other, yawn.

On the back of this, the DEBT (money we owe to folk) is going up. Not a bit up, fucking trillions of
quid. Record amounts. Jesus H Christ amounts of money.

It doesn't matter, because we have MONEY (tax) coming in. So we can pay that DEBT off. The difference between MONEY (tax) and DEBT is DEFICIT. Porcelain-Gob is paying down the DEFICIT. Not the DEBT.

All clear? Thought so.

Now here is a thing. This scares the shit out of me. The DEBT is actually CASH which WE BORROW from FOREIGN people/ Such as our ALLIES, the SAUDIS (murderers) etc.

Because we have a GOOD CREDIT RATING, we can borrow it at FUCK ALL.

YAY, go us.

If, tomorrow, things change, then we have to pay it back, and borrow it again, At NOT VERY CHEAP.

If this happens, you, me, Porcelain-Face and everyone else is in what is called, in modern parlance, DEEP SHIT.

Monday, 22 February 2016


This is some stuff about the EU.

In 1945 some chaps decided that Hitler had been a bit of a git and that war was a BAD thing.

They decided to have a club where there would be no more war.

This was a GOOD idea. War is bollocks.

So the chaps decided to get together in perfect harmony and all be one thing, that way they wouldn't have anything to fight about.

Lots of talking was done and nobody got killed.

In 1975, 30 years later, Britain was invited to join their club. There was no way on earth that this would happen because it was too soon, and many British folk remembered the last war, which was pretty horrible. So they called it a Trade Agreement, where British people could buy stuff from France, such as cheese, which is, quite frankly, all that the French really make.

Some British people like cheese and thought that Brie was superior to Cheddar so they voted themselves in.

A bit later, the club changed its name from the EEC to the EU, got a flag, three presidents, demanded loads of money, took the Queen off of everything and we were stuffed.

They based themselves in Brussels and Strasbourg. They pay themselves bagloads of cash.

They do nothing for it.

I have an anti-alligator device here, it is actually a broken alarm clock. There are no alligators here, therefore it works. And that is why we have no more wars, because they have a thing which means there are no more wars. It works on the same principle. YOU know, and I know, that the reason there are no alligators here is that I have a door, through which alligators can't get. I know, and you SHOULD know, that the reason we have no more wars is because if someone starts one then all hell will let loose and we will all die. Nukily.

So. I do not think the EU does anything of any use. All they do is strut. And trough. Britain pays them about £50M a day to mainly build roads in Spain which nobody wants, least of all the Spanish.

I don't think we'll ever get out, because too many people whose ridiculous lifestyle depends on us being in. And, trust this penguin, if we get out, there will be a disorderly queue of others who will want to do the same.

Among the people who desperately want to stay in are these.

If you're happy about that, then vote REMAIN on the 23rd of June.

You wanker.

Tuesday, 5 January 2016


A key client of mine is currently looking for an experienced Embedded Linux Engineer with strong Buildroot experience to join their team in Cambridge for an initial 6 months contract.

Please see details below:

Job Purpose
•    A key member of the Linux Platform Software team responsible for the Software Platform of a next-generation Network Audio SoC based on embedded Linux

Key Responsibilities & Tasks
•    Hands-on Software Development, Integration, Debug and Test
•    Embedded Software Design
•    Software Specification and Documentation
•    Requirements Analysis
•    Joint development activities with key technology partners and lead customers

Qualifications & Skills
•    Good honours degree in Computer Science, Electronic Engineering or a related discipline
•    Excellent knowledge of hardware and software architectures with at proven experience of embedded systems engineering
•    Extensive C/C++ programming experience in an embedded environment
•    Embedded Linux (e.g. Buildroot, Gentoo, Chrome OS)
•    Excellent written and verbal communication skills

•    Software development for products in the consumer electronics industry
•    Advanced Linux Sound Architecture (ALSA)
•    Linux kernel and device driver development
•    TCP/IP networking and sockets programming
•    Wireless communication e.g. WiFi, Bluetooth, NFC
•    Software development on ARM-based SoCs
•    Git, JIRA Agile (Greenhopper), BuildBot
•    Python

Person Specification
•    Able to work unsupervised or as part of a team as required
•    A creative thinker with a pro-active can-do attitude
•    A quick learner, able to pick up new skills and technologies easily
•    Highly productive and results-driven
•    Able to work to tight timescales
•    Quality-oriented with high standards but pragmatic and able to compromise where appropriate

Wednesday, 9 December 2015


Let me clarify the situation.

My SatNav no longer works. It worked when I bought the vehicle.

It needs to be fixed. It does not need an update.

The ONLY situations that would require it to need an update are these:

1. The satellites have moved.
2. Planet earth has changed size.
3. The continents upon the planet have moved by more than the usual 1mm per year.
4. The laws of physics have changed.
5. The manufacturers of the SatNav have implemented a timebomb which requires an update to continue working.

I have checked, and #1 to #4 have not happened. #5 is illegal, in a big way.

Therefore I do not need an update.

The most likely thing is that the map data is corrupt. I have not done anything to corrupt it.

If I get Peugeot to find out what is wrong, they will say it needs an update. The update will fix it, because it will replace the map data. How do I know that they will not simply update it, thus destroying the evidence that it was in fact the map data being corrupt (which it is), and then charge me to fix something which has broken through no fault of mine, and thus is warrantable?

I have spoken with Chris in service at Charter's, and he did not tell you that there was no fault with my vehicle, because he hasn't seen it. I have spoken with Sam, the salesman, who has not come back to me.

I am not negotiating, I'm stating facts.

You mentioned that the SatNav needing an update is not under your (Peugeot's) control when I spoke to you. Let me point out that the contract of sale I have is with Peugeot, not with the SatNav manufacturer. The law states that it is your responsibility, being the seller, and the party taking the money in exchange for goods and services. This is not a grey area.

Just as an aside, I am a microprocessor engineer with 40 years experience, please take that into account if you wish to tell me any more "facts" about the SatNav. My hobbies include fighting big companies in court. It's something that's very important to me because I hate bullying and if I can make the world a better place, one victory at a time, it makes me feel better.

I look forward to your speedy reply.

I am not going anywhere and I am not letting this go. I suggest that your policy of telling people "it might need an update, which is chargeable" is changed pretty quickly, as well. If it isn't actually illegal, it's certainly immoral.

On 08/12/2015 10:29, wrote:
Hi Pengy

Thanks for contacting Peugeot UK.

I was sorry to learn of the issue you have experienced and can appreciate the disappointment caused.

I’ve made contact with Charters of Aldershot and have spoken to Chris in the service department to ascertain some further information to see what the concern is.

Chris has advised there to be no defect with your vehicle and a software upgrade maybe required, which is not a warrantable item and therefore would not be covered under warranty.

Whilst I appreciate the distance to the dealership is some 75 miles away, there may be a dealership closer to you or your place of work. Please check on the Peugeot website ( top right hand corner ) where you will be able to find a dealer closer to you.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t assist further on this matter and trust that once booked in, this will be resolved for you and in closing, I thank you again for contacting Peugeot UK.

Kindest regards

Kaleem Khan
Customer Relations Manager 

Monday, 30 November 2015


I'm a pilot. Not a commercial pilot though, so I don't know more than most people. But here is a thing.

I was very recently on an EasyJet flight. I'm not saying which one.

Mid-flight, the captain left the cockpit to use the loo.He then went back in

A while ago, another captain left the cockpit to use the loo. His co-pilot locked him out. Everybody died in terror and panic.

As I say, I am not an expert, but EITHER the pilot can get back into the cockpit, in which case so can anyone else, or the co-pilot has to let him in, in which case the same tragedy can happen again.

Care to comment, EasyJet?

I know the answer to this possible problem is to install a loo in the flight deck. I also know that airlines will do ANYTHING to get an extra seat in an aircraft because this means more money.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015


Hi Pengy,

I hope all is well with yourself?

I have just received a fresh new job on my desk for a C++ Programmer/Developer in Leicester.

My client are looking for someone with at least 2 years commercial experience in Software Development and are looking to hire straight away.

·         Minimum of 2 years’ development experience in industry/commercial experience
·         Experience of developing User Interfaces (UI), Apps, etc.
·         Strong knowledge and understanding of C++ (MS Visual studio)
·         Computer Science, Software Engineering or similar degree

·         Experience with DirectX and Direct3D (extremely desirable)
·         Android development experience
·         Developing in an Agile environment
·         Development experience with other languages e.g. Java, C#, PHP, HTML5, Delphi, SQL, CSS and JavaScript etc.

If you are at all interested in this position, please do reach out to me by replying to this email or please call me on 01217961888.

If this role isn’t right for you, do you know anyone who may fit it?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind Regards,

Tuesday, 10 November 2015


Here is my corned beef hash recipe, which is the closest yet to what I remember from a pub in Surbiton many years ago.

Serves: whatever.

Ingredients (numbers in brackets are what I had)

  • Spuds (3 white meduim)
  • Onions (1 large)
  • Green Peppers (1 largish)
  • Corned Beef (1 tin, large)
  • Baked Beans (1 tin, large)

  • Hack up the spuds so they're about ½" cubes
  • Boil them for not very long so they're still tough
  • Don't take the skins off
  • Heat the oven to Gas Mark 4 or look up what that is on the internet if you don't have gas
  • Chop up the onions and peppers
  • Open the corned beef. They've hidden the bit you put the key in under the paper and siliconed the key to the lid to stop people nicking it.
  • Drink a cider
  • Pour the beans into an oven dish thing
  • Cut the corned beef into cubes like the spud was
  • Drain the spud and leave it hanging around
  • Find the cheddar in the fridge
  • Cut all the mould off it (all 6 sides)
  • Wash knife thoroughly
  • Cook the onions and peppers in the same saucepan with a bit of veg oil
  • Have a cider
  • When you smell the onions they're ready
  • Add the spuds
  • Stir
  • Add the corned beef
  • Stir
  • Have cider
  • Tip that stuff onto the beans
  • Grate cheese on
  • Have cider
  • Have cider
  • Have cider
  • Take out of oven
  • Nom