Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Monday, 28 September 2015

Short storey

It is the year 3015. The banks collapsed nearly a hundred years ago when everyone withdrew their money to buy petrol cars, as governments put up the tax on diesel fuel by 14,000% in a knee-jerk reaction to a man-made global warming scare when VW revealed that their engines were producing compounds which could harm laboratory mice. The money was not there to withdraw.

The propaganda machine failed to stem the flood of customers, social media took over, and the result was that the bankers and their puppets, the politicians, were impaled on spikes on the railings of the Palace of Westminster.

Anyhow, that is history.

People still need places to live. Bricks have become hugely expensive. And history, repeating itself, ensured that the savings that needed to be made, were made. The high vaulted ceilings of 1815 gave way in 2015 to the commonplace seven foot ceiling of the modern house.

Today, those ceilings have become a mere six feet.

Friday, 18 September 2015


I have two Muslims at work. They might be Moslems. I have no idea how they spell it.

One is Egyptian. His name is Amro. He doesn't walk like an Egyptian.

One is a Nigerian Asian. His name is Iqbal. He was born in Portsmouth and speaks cockney and another language when he's on the phone to his mum.

Iqbal is a Sunni. I have no idea what Amro is.

If you ask them about Islam they will happily tell you. About their festivals such as Eid and Ramadan. About fasting and stuff. Iqbal is dying for a bacon sarni but mustn't eat them because someone says he mustn't. I bet he has a sneaky one in the motorway services sometimes.

Amro is going to Medina today He says "it is where our prophet died." Notice he didn't say "where YOUR prophet died." He doesn't expect me to be a Muslim. I don't expect him to be a penguin.

These people are like me, in that they eat, sleep, work, say "oi oi saveloy" in the morning instead of grunting "morning" like it's some sort of punishment.

These people are not terrorists. They are nice people. They get the hump like I do sometimes but then that's understandable because the boss is a wanker.

Please don't think Muslims are all terrorists.

Maybe go out of your way to find one or two and ask them about their Islam. They won't come knocking at your door with a copy of the Watchtower or ask you to sit down for four days while they tell you about the Saviour. They might actually be quite interesting, you know?

You might be surprised.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, 25 June 2015


I have nothing to say at the moment, in particular.

Some "bloggers" would be well-advised to refrain from blogging when they are in a similar position.

As you were.

Monday, 15 June 2015


I was on my way back from Belgium on Sunday, car full of booze and chocolate (obviously).

As you go on the exit road from the A16 to the port, everything slows down.

"Bollocks", you think.

Anyway, what is happening is that the lorries have to go to the right, cars to the left. All of a sudden, there are Plod all over the place. Like the Keystone Cops. Cops chasing folk one way, cops chasing folk the other.

The folk they are chasing are the migrants you've heard about. Hundreds of them. From Syria and stuff. A few of them slow the lorries down. A few more try to jump on the ones behind.

It's lunatic. Chaos. The Plod have no idea what to do. The migrants seem to think that if they cross over to England it will all be good.

All it needs is Yaketty Sax. It's mental.

Look. These folk are just folk like me. I was born in England so I can go back to it. FML. I'd rather be there than Syria, I guess.

You know what? These people are me, but born somewhere else. They have done nothing wrong, unless being born is wrong doing.

I despair. I don't know what to do, but you carry on worrying about your gutter needing mending.

Fuck it.

Anyway, I chucked a couple of boxes of chocolates out of the window. I bet the Plod nick them.

Thursday, 21 May 2015


There's a swan outside my window, in the river. It isn't doing much. It's just swanning around.

If it wants something to eat, it bobs its head down and gets a fish.

If it wants something to do, it swims up and down the river.

It has a bunch of cygnets, and another sex (I presume) of swan. It looks after them.

Inside my window is me. I'm not doing much. I'm too tired after work.

If I want something to eat, I need to prepare it. I also need to buy it from what's left after I've paid for all the other stuff I didn't ask to pay for.

If I want something to do, I haven't got time to make my dinner. Half of what I had has gone to pay for someone swanning around or telling me what to do.

I have a bunch of kids. I pay for them. I don't mind that. Mine. I mind very much that I pay for those that aren't.

I heard on Radio 4 this morning that G4S are getting £160,000 per year. PER CHILD. To fail miserably in looking after them.

Either the swan or I have got the wrong idea.

You tell me.

Monday, 18 May 2015


You're driving down this road, doing 60 mph.

Suddenly, a child walks out from your left, from behind the bush. 

A car is coming the other way.

What do you think you'd do?

a) try to stop
b) hit the oncoming car head on
c) drive through the fence

Now, if you were programming a driverless car and you had these inputs, what would you program it to do? You can't choose at the time, you have to program it to KNOW what to do.

a) trying to stop would reduce your speed to 46.7 mph on impact with the kid. Newton's law says the kid will be lucky if it just dies
b) the other driver will try to stop as well and you will hit it at a closing speed of 93.4 mph with the kid between the two
c) those fence posts are concrete, the first law of robotics forbids you that course of action

Asking for a friend.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015


Just letting you know that this makes no sense. "Communicates with microchip" and "80% firmware development and 20%" means nothing.

Regards - Pengy

PS for £35k you won't get anyone worth having.

On 13/05/2015 18:54, Wanker Job Agent wrote:

Hi Pengy,

Hope you are well, I wanted to drop you an email as one of my clients in Hatfield, Hertfordshire are seeking a firmware engineer to join their development team.

The company specialise in developing an electronic door that communicates with microchip to allow/deny access.

A firmware engineer with 80% firmware development and 20% would suit this role exceptionally.

The salary is up to £35,000 for the right individual.

If this is of interest please give me a call on the number below and send through your latest CV.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Best Regards,