Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Early Years

It is said that what happens to you in early years shapes your future behaviour.

I dug out this pic of me with my babysitter.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Tuesday, 20 December 2011


Royal Mail. At the Post Office.

Oh yes. You can take a parcel, they weigh it. They charge you "special delivery", in my case, £22.70, for a package, and guarantee it by 1 p.m. the next day.

You go on the website, and put in your reference number. Up until EXACTLY 1 p.m. it says that they "expect to deliver it by the guaranteed time."

AT EXACTLY 1 p.m., the message changes to "Your item with reference xxx is currently progressing through our network."

Now. I am eligible to get the money back. Which I will.

I am also eligible to pursue them for gross misrepresentation of their service.

They THINK that they are immune to this because they are HUGE and I am small.

Dearest Royal Mail. You so seriously need to reconsider this stance. You really have no idea.

You will lose. Ignominiously.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011


Got a bit bored writing a CV so here's a business plan. You may wish to use it.

1. Be a bit thick.
2. Join the Labour Party.
3. Eat pies.
4. Talk shit.
5. Get elected in somewhere a bit naff where they'll vote for a donkey with a red rosette.
6. Punch one of your constituents in the face.
7. Shag your PA.
8. Lose a General Election.
9. Become a Lord.
10. Get a load of followers on twitter and think that's somehow connected to reality.

Hope this plan helps you.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

The Pope is praying for the Euro. Jesus H Mohammed Christ on a Bike.

Those of you familiar with the shite I come out with will be aware that I know nothing about anything. I admit that.

What I hate is people who say they know stuff, and know fuck all.

The European Union was ostensibly to discourage future wars. Bollocks.

I'll tell you how to discourage future wars. What you do is say "war is shite, let's not do it, eh?" and that's the job done.

Now I'll tell you how to piss people off unless they're German. What you do is try to control them, to make them speak languages they don't understand, change their currency, make laws for them and tell them what to do.

I've had enough of this shit. I have REALLY had enough of this shit.

So, dear fucking Pope, just piss off, play with your beardy Sky Fairy, kiss the ground, and talk to your gullible fucktards in Latin. I'm not buying it.



Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Differences between the way white people and black people think for the benefit of EDL cunts and Nemmy


On the twelfth day of Christmas, according to my timeline on Twitter, my true love gave to me:

Twelve Lefties whining
Eleven Righties gloating
Ten Norks a-wobbling
Nine Ladies flirting
Eight blokes a-hoping
Seven plumbers plumbing
Six traders trading
Five IT Geeks
Four Undertakers
Three French Peeps
Two Spartaci
And a lawyer by the name of Art Li.

Unlikely, I know, anywhere apart from on Twitter.

Tuesday, 6 December 2011


I read a story in the Telegraph. Apparently a couple of people kicked someone's head in. I'm not going to re-read it, this is what I read and remember.

The judge said that the people who did the kicking were Muslims and therefore not used to alcohol, and gave them a suspended sentence. I believe they were Somalians.

That is all I need to know. I don't give a fuck if they were Martians who weren't used to drinking sour cream. They could be English WHITE people who weren't used to drinking alcohol.

What is fucking WRONG is that this country is bent, broken, and buggered, if ONE judge can decide that because someone isn't used to alcohol he can go round kicking people because he's decided to give it a go.

You know what's even more wrong? I'll tell you. What's SERIOUSLY WRONG is that someone can decide that because I think that this is wrong, they can tell me that WHITE people kick OTHER people on a day to day basis and get away with it, and call me a fucking racist.

I don't know what colour Somalians are. I know they're pirates, that's all. And as far as Muslims not driniking goes ... HA HA HA HA HA.



I give up sometimes. I'm going to get pissed. I might kick someone.



If there's one thing more annoying than tweet theft it's being given the opportunity to put one's thoughts into writing without having the ability to do so properly.

Anyone can use twitter innit and its like txt an u can make it shorter so itll fit.

I'm just an olde-fashioned penguin, not an English teacher. However, penguins get teasy when they see "to" and "too" mixed up. And no, it isn't dyslexia, nor are you thick; it's a lack of education. Not your fault, nor mine.

Here is a handy Pengy guide to the difference between two, too and to.

TWO is a number. 2. Both. A pair. It is never anything else. The animals went in to the ark, two by two, too.

Nobody gets this wrong.

TOO means AS WELL, ALSO. IN ADDITION. It also means more than that, as in TOO much, TOO many, if it's anything to do with making things big or bigger, it's TOO.

TO is anything else. No, really. It's called a function word. Sod it. Like to eat, to drink, to be merry. Stupid language. Anyway, you know when you need to use "to", because if you said "I'm going go the doctor" it would sound silly, and it's "I'm going TO go TO the doctor". TO GO is the verb. Stupid verb. TO the doctor indicates movement TOWARDS the doctor. A smack TO the head. I work 9 TO 5.

Now you haven't got an excuse. You're not thick, you're not dyslexic. And now you're educated.

Be careful, I'm watching you.

And I expect at least two of you to watch me, too.

Monday, 5 December 2011


Twitter is useless.

I asked a question yesterday. It was

"If I have a spirit which is 38% and one which is 15%, what proportions do I need to mix it to get 20%?"

Reason: I had some blackcurrant gin which was 20% alcohol and I ran out. I had a bottle of gin and a bottle of cassis, 38% and 15% respectively. And I had man flu so I couldn't work it out.


Clearly, you need to put more of the 15% in to get to 20% from 38%.


(38 +15x)/(x+1) =20.

38 + 15x = 20x + 20

38 - 20 = 20x - 15x

18 = 5x

x = 18/5

18 cassis to 5 gins, or 3 and 3/5, or pretty much 7 to 2.

But it is clear from the above that if you substitute H for 38 (high content) and L for 15 (low content), and T for 20 (target content), you get

(H + Lx)/(x+1)=T

H + Lx = Tx + T

H - T = Tx - Lx

H - T = x(T - L)

The proportion is then given by

(H - T)/(T - L)


There. That's 2 minutes of your life that you won't get back.