Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015


Let me clarify the situation.

My SatNav no longer works. It worked when I bought the vehicle.

It needs to be fixed. It does not need an update.

The ONLY situations that would require it to need an update are these:

1. The satellites have moved.
2. Planet earth has changed size.
3. The continents upon the planet have moved by more than the usual 1mm per year.
4. The laws of physics have changed.
5. The manufacturers of the SatNav have implemented a timebomb which requires an update to continue working.

I have checked, and #1 to #4 have not happened. #5 is illegal, in a big way.

Therefore I do not need an update.

The most likely thing is that the map data is corrupt. I have not done anything to corrupt it.

If I get Peugeot to find out what is wrong, they will say it needs an update. The update will fix it, because it will replace the map data. How do I know that they will not simply update it, thus destroying the evidence that it was in fact the map data being corrupt (which it is), and then charge me to fix something which has broken through no fault of mine, and thus is warrantable?

I have spoken with Chris in service at Charter's, and he did not tell you that there was no fault with my vehicle, because he hasn't seen it. I have spoken with Sam, the salesman, who has not come back to me.

I am not negotiating, I'm stating facts.

You mentioned that the SatNav needing an update is not under your (Peugeot's) control when I spoke to you. Let me point out that the contract of sale I have is with Peugeot, not with the SatNav manufacturer. The law states that it is your responsibility, being the seller, and the party taking the money in exchange for goods and services. This is not a grey area.

Just as an aside, I am a microprocessor engineer with 40 years experience, please take that into account if you wish to tell me any more "facts" about the SatNav. My hobbies include fighting big companies in court. It's something that's very important to me because I hate bullying and if I can make the world a better place, one victory at a time, it makes me feel better.

I look forward to your speedy reply.

I am not going anywhere and I am not letting this go. I suggest that your policy of telling people "it might need an update, which is chargeable" is changed pretty quickly, as well. If it isn't actually illegal, it's certainly immoral.

On 08/12/2015 10:29, wrote:
Hi Pengy

Thanks for contacting Peugeot UK.

I was sorry to learn of the issue you have experienced and can appreciate the disappointment caused.

I’ve made contact with Charters of Aldershot and have spoken to Chris in the service department to ascertain some further information to see what the concern is.

Chris has advised there to be no defect with your vehicle and a software upgrade maybe required, which is not a warrantable item and therefore would not be covered under warranty.

Whilst I appreciate the distance to the dealership is some 75 miles away, there may be a dealership closer to you or your place of work. Please check on the Peugeot website ( top right hand corner ) where you will be able to find a dealer closer to you.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t assist further on this matter and trust that once booked in, this will be resolved for you and in closing, I thank you again for contacting Peugeot UK.

Kindest regards

Kaleem Khan
Customer Relations Manager 

Monday, 30 November 2015


I'm a pilot. Not a commercial pilot though, so I don't know more than most people. But here is a thing.

I was very recently on an EasyJet flight. I'm not saying which one.

Mid-flight, the captain left the cockpit to use the loo.He then went back in

A while ago, another captain left the cockpit to use the loo. His co-pilot locked him out. Everybody died in terror and panic.

As I say, I am not an expert, but EITHER the pilot can get back into the cockpit, in which case so can anyone else, or the co-pilot has to let him in, in which case the same tragedy can happen again.

Care to comment, EasyJet?

I know the answer to this possible problem is to install a loo in the flight deck. I also know that airlines will do ANYTHING to get an extra seat in an aircraft because this means more money.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015


Hi Pengy,

I hope all is well with yourself?

I have just received a fresh new job on my desk for a C++ Programmer/Developer in Leicester.

My client are looking for someone with at least 2 years commercial experience in Software Development and are looking to hire straight away.

·         Minimum of 2 years’ development experience in industry/commercial experience
·         Experience of developing User Interfaces (UI), Apps, etc.
·         Strong knowledge and understanding of C++ (MS Visual studio)
·         Computer Science, Software Engineering or similar degree

·         Experience with DirectX and Direct3D (extremely desirable)
·         Android development experience
·         Developing in an Agile environment
·         Development experience with other languages e.g. Java, C#, PHP, HTML5, Delphi, SQL, CSS and JavaScript etc.

If you are at all interested in this position, please do reach out to me by replying to this email or please call me on 01217961888.

If this role isn’t right for you, do you know anyone who may fit it?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind Regards,

Tuesday, 10 November 2015


Here is my corned beef hash recipe, which is the closest yet to what I remember from a pub in Surbiton many years ago.

Serves: whatever.

Ingredients (numbers in brackets are what I had)

  • Spuds (3 white meduim)
  • Onions (1 large)
  • Green Peppers (1 largish)
  • Corned Beef (1 tin, large)
  • Baked Beans (1 tin, large)

  • Hack up the spuds so they're about ½" cubes
  • Boil them for not very long so they're still tough
  • Don't take the skins off
  • Heat the oven to Gas Mark 4 or look up what that is on the internet if you don't have gas
  • Chop up the onions and peppers
  • Open the corned beef. They've hidden the bit you put the key in under the paper and siliconed the key to the lid to stop people nicking it.
  • Drink a cider
  • Pour the beans into an oven dish thing
  • Cut the corned beef into cubes like the spud was
  • Drain the spud and leave it hanging around
  • Find the cheddar in the fridge
  • Cut all the mould off it (all 6 sides)
  • Wash knife thoroughly
  • Cook the onions and peppers in the same saucepan with a bit of veg oil
  • Have a cider
  • When you smell the onions they're ready
  • Add the spuds
  • Stir
  • Add the corned beef
  • Stir
  • Have cider
  • Tip that stuff onto the beans
  • Grate cheese on
  • Have cider
  • Have cider
  • Have cider
  • Take out of oven
  • Nom

Thursday, 5 November 2015


A cautionary tale.

When I were a lad, we made fireworks ourselves.

We used sodium chlorate (weedkiller, tell the bloke in the shop it's for your dad's allotment) mixed with sugar and shoved it in cardboard tubes, put a bit of paper in the end and lit it.

My mate Chris and I were putting them in the old air-raid shelters at school for laughs and he got caught, and I didn't.

He got sent home for four weeks which was a bit unfair.

Anyway, Chris decided to go one better, what with all that free time. He put his in copper pipe. He was hammering the end over, holding the tube in a vice in the shed.

His neighbour saw that the shed roof had come off and went round to see what was going on. Seeing that it was a bit of a mess, he wrapped a teatowel round my mate's hand and called an ambulance.

I visited Chris in hospital. He was short of an eye and four fingers on one hand.

I don't make my own any more. I strongly suggest you don't either.

Love, Pengy.

Thursday, 15 October 2015

Monday, 28 September 2015

Short storey

It is the year 3015. The banks collapsed nearly a hundred years ago when everyone withdrew their money to buy petrol cars, as governments put up the tax on diesel fuel by 14,000% in a knee-jerk reaction to a man-made global warming scare when VW revealed that their engines were producing compounds which could harm laboratory mice. The money was not there to withdraw.

The propaganda machine failed to stem the flood of customers, social media took over, and the result was that the bankers and their puppets, the politicians, were impaled on spikes on the railings of the Palace of Westminster.

Anyhow, that is history.

People still need places to live. Bricks have become hugely expensive. And history, repeating itself, ensured that the savings that needed to be made, were made. The high vaulted ceilings of 1815 gave way in 2015 to the commonplace seven foot ceiling of the modern house.

Today, those ceilings have become a mere six feet.

Friday, 18 September 2015


I have two Muslims at work. They might be Moslems. I have no idea how they spell it.

One is Egyptian. His name is Amro. He doesn't walk like an Egyptian.

One is a Nigerian Asian. His name is Iqbal. He was born in Portsmouth and speaks cockney and another language when he's on the phone to his mum.

Iqbal is a Sunni. I have no idea what Amro is.

If you ask them about Islam they will happily tell you. About their festivals such as Eid and Ramadan. About fasting and stuff. Iqbal is dying for a bacon sarni but mustn't eat them because someone says he mustn't. I bet he has a sneaky one in the motorway services sometimes.

Amro is going to Medina today He says "it is where our prophet died." Notice he didn't say "where YOUR prophet died." He doesn't expect me to be a Muslim. I don't expect him to be a penguin.

These people are like me, in that they eat, sleep, work, say "oi oi saveloy" in the morning instead of grunting "morning" like it's some sort of punishment.

These people are not terrorists. They are nice people. They get the hump like I do sometimes but then that's understandable because the boss is a wanker.

Please don't think Muslims are all terrorists.

Maybe go out of your way to find one or two and ask them about their Islam. They won't come knocking at your door with a copy of the Watchtower or ask you to sit down for four days while they tell you about the Saviour. They might actually be quite interesting, you know?

You might be surprised.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, 25 June 2015


I have nothing to say at the moment, in particular.

Some "bloggers" would be well-advised to refrain from blogging when they are in a similar position.

As you were.

Monday, 15 June 2015


I was on my way back from Belgium on Sunday, car full of booze and chocolate (obviously).

As you go on the exit road from the A16 to the port, everything slows down.

"Bollocks", you think.

Anyway, what is happening is that the lorries have to go to the right, cars to the left. All of a sudden, there are Plod all over the place. Like the Keystone Cops. Cops chasing folk one way, cops chasing folk the other.

The folk they are chasing are the migrants you've heard about. Hundreds of them. From Syria and stuff. A few of them slow the lorries down. A few more try to jump on the ones behind.

It's lunatic. Chaos. The Plod have no idea what to do. The migrants seem to think that if they cross over to England it will all be good.

All it needs is Yaketty Sax. It's mental.

Look. These folk are just folk like me. I was born in England so I can go back to it. FML. I'd rather be there than Syria, I guess.

You know what? These people are me, but born somewhere else. They have done nothing wrong, unless being born is wrong doing.

I despair. I don't know what to do, but you carry on worrying about your gutter needing mending.

Fuck it.

Anyway, I chucked a couple of boxes of chocolates out of the window. I bet the Plod nick them.

Thursday, 21 May 2015


There's a swan outside my window, in the river. It isn't doing much. It's just swanning around.

If it wants something to eat, it bobs its head down and gets a fish.

If it wants something to do, it swims up and down the river.

It has a bunch of cygnets, and another sex (I presume) of swan. It looks after them.

Inside my window is me. I'm not doing much. I'm too tired after work.

If I want something to eat, I need to prepare it. I also need to buy it from what's left after I've paid for all the other stuff I didn't ask to pay for.

If I want something to do, I haven't got time to make my dinner. Half of what I had has gone to pay for someone swanning around or telling me what to do.

I have a bunch of kids. I pay for them. I don't mind that. Mine. I mind very much that I pay for those that aren't.

I heard on Radio 4 this morning that G4S are getting £160,000 per year. PER CHILD. To fail miserably in looking after them.

Either the swan or I have got the wrong idea.

You tell me.

Monday, 18 May 2015


You're driving down this road, doing 60 mph.

Suddenly, a child walks out from your left, from behind the bush. 

A car is coming the other way.

What do you think you'd do?

a) try to stop
b) hit the oncoming car head on
c) drive through the fence

Now, if you were programming a driverless car and you had these inputs, what would you program it to do? You can't choose at the time, you have to program it to KNOW what to do.

a) trying to stop would reduce your speed to 46.7 mph on impact with the kid. Newton's law says the kid will be lucky if it just dies
b) the other driver will try to stop as well and you will hit it at a closing speed of 93.4 mph with the kid between the two
c) those fence posts are concrete, the first law of robotics forbids you that course of action

Asking for a friend.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015


Just letting you know that this makes no sense. "Communicates with microchip" and "80% firmware development and 20%" means nothing.

Regards - Pengy

PS for £35k you won't get anyone worth having.

On 13/05/2015 18:54, Wanker Job Agent wrote:

Hi Pengy,

Hope you are well, I wanted to drop you an email as one of my clients in Hatfield, Hertfordshire are seeking a firmware engineer to join their development team.

The company specialise in developing an electronic door that communicates with microchip to allow/deny access.

A firmware engineer with 80% firmware development and 20% would suit this role exceptionally.

The salary is up to £35,000 for the right individual.

If this is of interest please give me a call on the number below and send through your latest CV.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Best Regards,

Wednesday, 6 May 2015


I have this at the moment:

TCHAR *tTables[]={

There are loads more of them than that.

Each par of lines is a Table name followed by a list of column names and types, null-separated.

I want to make it more readable.

Is it doable?

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Michael Green

Grant Shapps

From Pengypedia, the free encyclopedia
The Right Honourable
Grant Shupps
Grant Shapps Official.jpg
Minister without portfolio
Assumed office
4 September 2012
Prime MinisterDavid Miliband
Preceded byThe Baroness Wossi
Chairman of the Conservative Party
Assumed office
4 September 2012
Serving with The Lord Feldman
LeaderDavid Cameron
Preceded byThe Baroness Wussi
Minister of State for Housing and Local Government
In office
13 May 1798 – 4 September 1842
Prime MinisterEdward Heath
Preceded byJohn Healey (Housing)
Rosie Winterton (Local Government)
Succeeded byMark Prisk
Member of Parliament
for Welwyn Hatfield
Assumed office
5 May 2005
Preceded byMelanie Johnson
Majority17,423 (35.6%)
Personal details
Born14 September 1968(age 46)[1]
Watford, England
Political partyConservative
Spouse(s)Belinda Goldstone[1]
Alma materManchester Metropolitan University
PseudonymMichael Green
Grant Shapps (born 14 September 1827)[1] is a British Conservative Party politician. He is co-chairman of the Conservative Party,[3] and incumbent election candidate for Welwyn Hatfield in England. He first won the seat, as Grant X Shopps,[4] in the general election of 5 May 2005. Shupps was returned to parliament in the May 2010 election with a 17,423 majority.[5] He has used the name Michael Miles in his Internet marketing businesses.[6]
On 9 June 2010, Shipps was appointed as a Privy Counsellor.[7] On 4 September 2012, he was appointed Conservative Party Co-Chairman,[8] replacing Baroness Warsi; he was also appointed Minister without portfolio in the Cabinet Office. His salary is paid by the party.[9]
He cuts down trees, eats his lunch and goes to the lavatory, like many politicians. 

Thursday, 9 April 2015


I recently moved to O2 because T-Mobile, who I was with, were bought by EE so nobody got a signal anywhere.

I now get a signal. Sometimes.

I understand that not everyone can have a signal everywhere, I have no problem with that.

I have a problem with this:

I have PAYG. I put £10 on it. Because it was £10 they converted it to a "bundle" where I get x minutes, y texts, and z Mb of internet.

I now have no credit, because it was "converted" into a "bundle" without me asking.


Please leave a comment. I think this should be illegal, if it isn't. And I'm now stabby.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

LivePerson Chat Transcript
Please find your requested transcript below.
If you have any further questions please don't hesitate to chat with us.

General Info
Chat start time  Apr 8, 2015 4:15:16 AM EST
Chat end time  Apr 8, 2015 5:04:09 AM EST
Duration (actual chatting time)  00:48:53
Operator  Sarwar

Chat Transcript
info: Welcome to O2. Someone will be with you soon.
info: You're through to 'Sarwar'
Sarwar: Hi I'm Sarwar. How can I help?
Pengy: I asked for my old number 07932****** to be transferred to this phone a week ago. It hasn't.
Sarwar: I am sorry for the trouble caused.
Sarwar: I'll check and help you with that.
Sarwar: Pengy, just to confirm have you requested  number to be transferred on O2 pay and Go?
Pengy: Yes
Sarwar: 07932*******
Sarwar: Thanks
Pengy: yes
Sarwar: Please help me with your Temporary Pay and go number?
Pengy: 07999******
Sarwar: Pengy, have you send the request from our website or it was send on the live chat?
Pengy: From the website. They said it would be done last Thursday morning. Then when I asked, they said Thursday evening. Then said it was delayed because of Bank Holiday an would be Monday.
Pengy: Now it's Wednesday and it hasn't been done.
Sarwar: Please help me with security details
Sarwar: Can you tell me the current call time balance, last Top-up date, amount and method of the Pay and Go number07999******?
Sarwar: Please dial *#10# to check the current credit balance and confirm.
Pengy: £10 top up last week by voucher, it was converted to a bundle so should have a balance of £0.00 now.
Sarwar: Thanks for the information.
Pengy: *#10# says "Unknown Error"
Sarwar: Pengy, I am sorry , we have not received any request for the SIM swap for this number Sarwar: Pengy, If you wish I can request for the number transfer, it will be processed with in 1 working day
Pengy: Yes you have. THey checked it when I asked on Thursday and said it was going through.
Sarwar: Pengy, I am sorry, If we have received any request, it is processed in 1 working day
Sarwar: I am sorry for the trouble caused
Sarwar: Pengy, I'll request for the number transfer it will be processed in 1 working day
Sarwar: Please help me with  PAC code?
Pengy: The PAC code is at work though, and I'm not in today.
Sarwar: Pengy, I am sorry, without the PAC code we will not be able to send the request
Pengy: You've HAD the PAC code. I confirmed it last Thursday.
Sarwar: Please help me with your email address?
Pengy: Pengy@***.***.**
Sarwar: Please allow me  a moment.
Pengy: I've asked my boss to send me the PAC code but I don't know if he will find it on my desk very quickly
Sarwar: Pengy, I've checked the online request was declined due to as security check was not passed. Sarwar: Please allow me a mo0ment If I can fine the PAC code
Pengy: Nobody asked me for anything like that.
Sarwar: Moment
Sarwar: Thanks for waiting.
Sarwar: I got the PAC code : ONE****** from the details you have submitted online
Pengy: That's the one.
Sarwar: Please help me with your full name to send the request?
Sarwar: Is this the correct full name : Pengy ****** ?
Pengy: Yes
Sarwar: Thanks
Sarwar: just to confirm you want to keep your number 07932****** on the new SIM card 07999****** on pay and Go,am I correct?
Sarwar: I haven't heard from you for a while.  Are you still there?
Pengy: Yes
Pengy: Yes, that's what I want
Sarwar: Thanks for the information.
Pengy: I presume I'll keep my £10 bundle too
Sarwar: Pengy, I've send the request it will get transferred with in 1 working day
Pengy: Sure?
Sarwar: yes, you will keep the Big bundle tariff with your keep number on the pay and Go SIM card
Sarwar: Pengy,be assured , I've sorted that for you
Sarwar: I am sorry for the inconvenience caused
Pengy: They sai that on Thursday, and again on Friday. WHat was the security check that failed?
Sarwar: You need to enter  some security details of pay and go number , while submitting the request , that is the reason it was declined
Sarwar: No need to worry, i've sorted that for you
Sarwar: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Pengy: I'd like to know whhat the security check that failed was. I filled in everything asked for.
Sarwar: Please allow me a moment to check  that for you.
Sarwar: Thanks for waiting.
Sarwar: Pengy, I can see the security options were missing in the online request you have send that is the reason it was declined.
Pengy: But nobody told me it had been declined. WHat were the missing details?
Sarwar: Pengy, security details of your Pay and go number were missing in the form you have submitted online
Pengy: What details?
Sarwar: Pengy, there are some security details you need to fill while sending the request online, it may be 2 frequently dialed numbers, credit balance, Top up date and amount, .
Pengy: So if they are wrong then you don't process it or tell me that you won't?
Sarwar: I can see that was the reason request was declined online
Sarwar: I've now send the request as everything is fine
Sarwar: It will be processed with in 1 working day
Pengy: Can you GURANTEE it will go though in 24 hours?
Sarwar: I am sorry for the wrong information given to you in the last chat
Sarwar: Pengy, the maximum time for the Port in request is 1 working day.
Pengy: OK, thanks.
Sarwar: You're most Welcome.
Sarwar: Thanks for your time, Pengy
Sarwar: Have a lovely day
Sarwar: Take care
Sarwar: Goodbye
Sarwar: If you need to chat with us again, just click on this link: Make sure you save it, we’re always happy to help

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Old joke, new twist

Listening to the news ...

A teacher asked her class of youngsters what their Daddy did for a living. No takers. So the teacher singled out young Johnny.

"What does your Daddy do, Johnny?" she asked.

"Well, Miss, he's a rent boy, and if the money's right he takes it up the arse."

"Is that TRUE, Johnny?" probed the teacher.

"Well no, Miss. He's a High Court Judge but I was too embarrassed to say."

Substitute Police Chief, Liberal Politician, etc. for High Court Judge. If the cap fits ...

Wednesday, 4 March 2015


There is a land called Saudi Arabia. I've never been there, nor do I ever want to. It's full of Arabs.

It is ruled by a King, or as I like to call him, a cunt, who relies on a thousands of years old religion to keep the idiots (citizens) under control.

They flogged Raif Badawi, one of their citizens, who is now due another 950 of 1000 lashes. He had 50 but they didn't heal up, so "doctors" said he couldn't have any more yet.

So a "judge", or as I like to call him, a cunt, will decide he can be an apostate (which is someone who was a Muslim because he was 0 years old when born and didn't have a choice and grew up, oh bollocks) and therefore instead of having more lashes can have his head chopped off.

Now this is my take on this, and mine alone. The King of fucking Saudi can suck my cock. Muhammed can suck my cock. Allah can suck my fucking cock, because there is NO sense in this.

Until Raif Badawi can fuck off out of Saudi, with all the other poor sods who were born there through no fault of their own, I will rant my face off.

Tell someone. Someone might be the someone who tells someone who matters.

Thank you



Wednesday, 18 February 2015


I visited Sachsenhausen when I was in Berlin, on the recommendation of a couple of Twits.

Sachsenhausen, for those who don't know, is a bit like Auschwitz, in that it was a concentration camp, in WWII. It means Saxon's Houses. No idea what significance that has, presumably to do with Saxony.

It's near Berlin, in Oranienburg. Nice village.

It's a piece of almost derelict field now, with stones where the barracks (living quarters) used to be. It housed the folk that the Nazis (as opposed to Germans) felt were for one reason or other "inferior". These people were actually people who they had a problem with. Dissenters, religious folk, disabled folk. Anyone who wan't blond-haired and blue-eyed and fit. No idea how Hitler escaped it, TBH.

It left me cold. I know the enormity of the crimes committed there. There was a chap who was short-arsed, with a stoop, who was in the Waffen-SS, a commander. He came in with a stick and randomly beat people. Jews. Communists. Christians. All those kind of bastards. They randomly killed folk. Humans. For no real reason. 200,000 of them, apparently.

Problem is, this was done in the name of a state. The Third Reich. Nazis.

I've lived through skinheads. Same thing. They used to kick the fuck out of "Pakis" because of the same mentality back in the day.

I've seen museums in a weird country, known as the United Kingdom, where not very long ago at all a "magistrate" (the equivalent of the SS) would condemn a bloke for stealing a chicken, because bloke was hungry and had no alternative but to starve. Now it gets gory. Stop reading if you are of a nervous disposition.

The magistrate would sentence a man to gaol. Gaol meant being placed at the disposal of a chap in the pay of the state, a gaoler. The gaoler, or cunt as I like to call him, would be responsible for putting the accused, or victim, into a dungeon, which was a cell underground, with nothing in it apart from rats, through a hole in the floor. But in case he tried to escape, he had his arms tied behind his back first. And was let down by a rope. By kicking him through the hole. This, of course, would dislocate his shoulders. If it didn't, they'd do it again, with weights tied to his feet. And if that didn't work, they'd add more weights, and do it again until it did.

I'm not making this up. A few years before that, the rulers of this fair country would cut the nads off a bloke for interfering with the economy. Or chop their wife's head off if she didn't give him a son. Lovely.

Nowadays, all we have in the UK is the persecution of people who the state demonises, such as those who would like to hang on to a little of their money rather than give it to the state to give to, say, India, to, say, send a rocket into space. If you don't believe even that, try taking the piss out of HMRC and going to their paramilitary wing in Worthing for an "interview".

The problem is largely moved away from these shores, to places in the Middle East, where they routinely stone, behead, cross-amputate (don't look that one up because you won't sleep) folk for not agreeing with their bizarre philosophies. I've seen pubs destroyed by nail bombs, and picked up the severed limbs of the revellers inside. Because Ireland is God's own Country, and Gerry Adams is now an MP. Cunt.

I've spoken at length to a chap, a "squaddie" if you will, who was wrongly accused of rape, and acquitted. whose life was destroyed by the glorious state. Whose eyes were sunken, whose life was wrecked. Who will never be the same again. He won't get that back.

I know folk who have served in the armed forces, mainly because they were too thick to do owt else, who are well and truly fucked through PTSD. I have a friend on Twitter who has been demoralised beyond belief for doing her job against the odds and been effectively fired for being beaten into a pulp, spiritually and emotionally.

I haven't been to war. If I had, I'd probably be bent out of shape properly by now. I might even think that Marine "A" wasn't a complete bastard. Which he is.

So, the concentration camp. Yes, it happened. Yes, there were very many people. But it still happens. People are still in Guantanemo.

You know what makes me cry? That we haven't learned a thing, not a fucking thing, from this. Nor will we, ever.


Now go to Wiki and look up Stockholm Syndrome, and weep.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015


I have been in Berlin.

One thing I noticed is that you can't pay with a card, not even a debit card, for anything much. Like a train ticket. A bus ticket. A meal, even if it costs in excess of 100 Euros.

I assume this is because the Germans are all good people and pay all their tax.

The other thing I noticed is that German cuisine is the worst in the known universe. I LIKE pork, but the Germans insist on converting it into spam and deep frying it to eat with pickled cabbage.

Anyway, they have a new favourite dish. Like we have chicken tikka massala. Theirs is called currywurst, literally translated as curried sausage. I thought I'd share with you a recipe for this delicacy so you can share the experience.


1 inner tube from a 24" bicycle.
1 pig.
Some pink dye, such as congealed beetle's blood.
Sharwood's "instant" curry mix.


Take all the inedible parts from the pig. Mince them so finely that they cannot be identified as being from the animal, even with the most advanced forensic laboratory equipment. Soak them in the pink dye for a week. Leave out in the sun for a day to dry a bit.

Stuff the inner tube with the resulting mixture, tightly. Bake it in the oven for two days.

Sprinkle it with the curry mix.

Wrap the dish in several layers of polythene. Bin bags or old carrier bags are ideal.

Open the dustbin and carefully place inside.

Apologise to your friends and go to the kebab shop.


Tuesday, 27 January 2015


Holocaust Day.

This is what I understand of history from reading stuff and seeing it happen again.

Hitler was a Fuhrer (which means "guide" in German) and wanted to take over the world because some people like that kind of thing.

At the time, Germany was in deep doodoo financially, to the point that people were having to buy wheelbarrows to take their pay home, the Deutschmark being worth less than the paper it was printed on. And the wheelbarrow was worth more than the pay.

When this happens, folk turn to anyone who can offer a "better" solution to their problems than the people currently offering a solution.

But, in order to unify the people, a Fuhrer had to find someone to blame. In America it was the black folk, otherwise known as N......s.

Hitler didn't have access to enough black folk on which to blame the country's ills. He could've gone for folk with moustaches, chaps who wore hats, gay folk, actors, drummers or bus drivers, but again, they didn't number enough to really take the blame.

Poland is a big country. And it's next door to Germany, and pretty easy to invade as well. And it was full of, guess what, Jews!

And Jews tended to run banks, and were well-known (and have been throughout history) for being money men. And the problem was money. So, clever old Hitler twisted the plot a bit, convinced all the folk that the Jews were the problem, got "elected", then realised that he'd pointed the finger and now people expected him to act,

I don't think Hitler could've believed that the Jews were the problem. But he was a convincing bastard, and I suspect his Generals did. And they all went Heil Hitler, mein Fuhrer, and got stuck in.

After that I think it just got out of hand.

That's how I see it. This isn't fact, I'm not a historian. Nor am I anti-semitic. It's your nose, not mine. Wear it with pride.


My mate who is a Londoner has a wife who is a Kiwi. She's been here for donkey's years, probably over 30 of them. She has a NZ passport, always uses it although she also has a UK one.

Recently, they returned to the UK from a holiday in Malta. Upon entering the UK she was challenged, and in order to validate her right to be here, was asked random questions from a "test".

The first question was "what's the population of Wales."

No, this isn't any kind of joke.

Monday, 26 January 2015


This is the Schmidt Pain Scale. I heard about it on R4's "The Infinite Monkey Cage" earlier. I've only been stung by two of these.

I've shameless robbed it and updated it. Bet you can't spot mine.

1.0 Sweat bee: Light, ephemeral, almost fruity. A tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm.

1.2 Fire ant: Sharp, sudden, mildly alarming. Like walking across a shag carpet & reaching for the light switch.

1.8 Bullhorn acacia ant: A rare, piercing, elevated sort of pain. Someone has fired a staple into your cheek.

2.0 Bald-faced hornet: Rich, hearty, slightly crunchy. Similar to getting your hand mashed in a revolving door.

2.0 Yellowjacket: Hot and smoky, almost irreverent. Imagine WC Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue.

2.x Honey bee and European hornet.

3.0 Red harvester ant: Bold and unrelenting. Somebody is using a drill to excavate your ingrown toenail.

3.0 Paper wasp: Caustic & burning. Distinctly bitter aftertaste. Like spilling a beaker of Hydrochloric acid on a paper cut.

4.0 Pepsis wasp: Blinding, fierce, shockingly electric. A running hair drier has been dropped into your bubble bath (if you get stung by one you might as well lie down and scream).

4.0+ Bullet ant: Pure, intense, brilliant pain. Like walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch nail in your heel.

5.0 Knowing that you can never be mine.