Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011


Here we go. I'm going to get properly unfollowed, I reckon. Or arrested. Or chastised.

Everyone's having a dig a Nadine Dorries, the MP who says that the solution to the world's ills is to educate girls in the art of abstinence. I'm not even going to go there. So far wrong there's no path to right from it.

But here's some more shit. Most people won't like this. I know this, because women, who are mostly the victims of sexual assault are commenting away on the subject, nineteen to the dozen, as women do (see the sexism coming out there already?)

I can be a twat at times, but I am not quite as daft as I make out. And I'm a bloke. Now, sexual assualt, even rape, is MOST OFTEN carried out by blokes. MOST OFTEN against women.

Apparently, women/girls are inviting this assault by dressing to kill. Hence the #slutwalk march, which I personally think is bollocks.

I have two young girls (and several older ones). They dress to kill. You'd put them at 15 if you saw them dressed up. They're 10 and 12 (nearly). They dress up because they like to. And what's wrong with that? Blimey, if I had legs like that I'd wear miniskirts. But they don't dress up to attract boys, not at that age they don't. Certainly not the 10 y/o, anyway. And she's already got a  boyfriend.

Some women think it's about power, this assault thing. I don't. The reason I don't is because I can't rationalise it. I can rationalise most things. Visualise them, even. Being ever so slightly insane, it's easy for me to imagine murdering someone. A couple of them, actually. But not rape. EXCEPT ...

Porn. Nothing wrong with porn, you say? I think there is. Not like Emmanuelle, if that's still porn. But very naughty porn. I don't know if you've ever watched proper porn. I know I have. It's not very erotic, in my opinion. But it leaves little to the imagination. In the olden days, when I was a lad, we had Carry On films, mainly. Anything else was from Denmark and had animals in it, so we never saw any of that. My old man always used to keep a copy of Fiesta in his drawer and me and my brother used to go and dig it out now and again. It had an Australian woman in it, in the centre pages. She was a bit of a minger, to be honest.

But it isn't like that nowadays. Porn gets more and more explicit. Or "nasty", as I prefer to call it. Look, I know what women look like. And I think I've worked out what they like other than decent scoff and flowers. Certainly some of them, anyhow. But if you watch porn of a certain kind, you would be forgiven for thinking that they desperately want a man to make them scream with pain whilst they struggle and he thrusts his throbbing manhood deep into her .... hold on, getting carried away there, been reading too many Sidney Sheldon's.

See? Why the actual fuck would a gullible, perhaps lonely, perhaps oversexed, overhormonal chap of little experience and even less education know any different?

Go on, bleat. Tell me about freedom and liberalism, and how it has nothing to do with anyone else what you can buy over (or under) the counter? Tell me. I gather that our esteemed Controllers are going to hide away the ciggie packets. Put them in plain wrappers. But porn is OK. Even implied rape porn. Trust me, it isn't even disguised.

If you think this is opinionated bollocks, and it is your prerogative so to do, let me know. I'll give you a few titles to watch. If you're good I might burn you a copy too.

I'm off to bash the bishop.

Love, the Penguin.

Monday, 16 May 2011


A seaman meets a pirate penguin in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the penguin has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The penguin replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the penguin, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied pengy.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said pingu, "it was my first day with my hook"


This Huhne.

Apparently he's had his ex-missus pick up some points because he'd got previous and this one would've put him over the ten points, thus barring him from driving for a bit. I have no idea why that's a problem, because I thought the troughers all got company chauffeurs and a go at the maid every Friday anyway. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps only senior troughers get all that.

However. I have no idea why there's all the furore. I have done the same. Obviously, I didn't do it on purpose, but my ex-idiot had three speeding endorsements, the twat, and managed to get another one. Or did she? I couldn't remember whether it was me who was driving that day, actually, and nor could she. So I went to court to tell the magistrate this. Three times. The first two appearances got chucked out but the Plod, bless their little cotton socks, wouldn't let it go. On their third attempt to nail someone with the heinous offence of driving through a speed camera at 46 mph in a 40 limit with not a house or driveway in sight, I told the magistrate, absolutely truthfully, obviously, SNORK, that I thought it was me who was driving her car. But I wasn't sure. So Mr Magistrate did the right thing, told the Plod they were wasting everybody's time, slung it out, and I fucked off, on my motorbike, to work.

On the way back, I overtook a whole heap of traffic, because you don't ride a 180mph superbike in order to stay at the back of the queue. Unfortunately, Plod, who were definitely not waiting specifically to nail me because I'd just slapped them one in the eye, then overtook the same heap of traffic, in a car, which was downright fucking dangerous and stupid. And as I wasn't trying to get away, having no idea that they were that vindictive and petty, they caught up with me, putting at risk every other motorist in the mile long hot-pursuit inna Boss Hogg stylee,

They explained (told me) that I had crossed a solid white line. I said "bollocks" because either I hadn't, or I didn't give a shit whether I had or not, or I was a bit pissed off as there is no way they'd have caught up with me had I not wanted them to. So they issued me with a ticket. I went down the nick, and explained to the most senior fuckwit there (who was an inspector and about 6 years old, but he must have had a degree or something so he was very important indeed) that it was a set-up. But, unfortunately, I didn't read the small print on the "producer" and therefore admitted the offence by default. So I told him he was a cunt, which didn't help.

I got done. Got three points.

Ex-missus kept her licence. I told her if she got caught speeding again she was on her own. She hasn't been caught since.

I used to be a cop. Many years ago, when Plod did a proper job. Before paperwork and targets and shit. When they used to catch crims. I had respect then. Not any more.

But, this Huhne. I have no idea who he is, what he does, or anything. But I don't give a fuck either. What I do give a fuck about is that "an extraordinary tape was released". By whom? Who cares? And why is it even admissible?

Fuck this country.

And, furthermore, if you're one of the witch hunters who've been clamouring for blood on this one, then FUCK YOU TOO.