Diet

I have seen many people say how they'd like to lose weight.

I have developed this tasty curry recipe which is vegan-friendly* and is GUARANTEED to lose you weight whilst satisfying your hunger.

Your money back if I'm wrong.

You will need (per person):

1lb lamb shoulder, diced
Salt (heaped tablespoon)
Water (Highland spring) to taste
Savlon
Ghee (large spoonful)
Mustard seeds (black)
Cumin powder
Fresh coriander (large bunch)
Chillis to taste (about 8)
Onions (10, large)
Potatoes (about 3lb, peeled and diced) plus 3 for grating
Okra (about 1lb)
Lard
20 party balloons
Helium canister
Fresh tapeworm

Method:

Weigh yourself. Hold weights (about 5lb in each hand) AWAY from the scales so they don't affect the measurement, to help your balance, you fat cow.

Fry the Ghee until smoking hot. Throw in mustard seeds, call fire brigade, have teatowel (dampened) at the ready.

When flames are extinguished and doors opened, add the onion, salt, chilli and lamb. Add the water and savlon. Fry mercilessly. Add grated potatoes and diced potatoes and all the spices.

Cook for about four (4) hours, adding lard if the consistency becomes too thin.

Add the Okra (whole) and simmer for five minutes.

Finally, stir in the tapeworm, taking care not to overheat (as this can impair the efficacy).

Blow up the party balloons using the helium canister.

Once you've enjoyed the meal, hold the balloons (not the weights) and re-weigh yourself.

SEE?

Now you'll lose weight EVERY DAY for at least a fortnight.

Enjoy.

*not vegan-friendly in the strictest sense, you understand.