Black

They is all black and they ain't born here so they should go hoam agan,

I hope Katie Hopkinds will publicise my blog for me.

Rich

Mr Corbyn will raise the minimum wage to £10 ph. I have no idea what it is now, probably about £6? £7?

This will make everyone better off if they are not good earners. By 30% or so.

This will then make the evil bosses earn more, and then everything will go up by 30% or so, and interest rates will rise, and nobody will be able to afford a house (like they can now, oh yes).

Well done him. Twat. If it were that simple, it would have been done. Everyone likes to buy votes.

Here is my method to better yourself, if you work on the minimum wage. Unless you are fairly disabled (which I'm not), I can't see why this won't work. It did for me.

1. Fail most of your O levels or GCSEs.
2. Don't go to university.
3. Try being skint for a bit. And I mean skint. You don't know what skint is.
4. Get fed up with it.
5. Try every fucking thing until you find something you don't mind doing that you seem to be good at.
6. Work like fuck. Do it for next to nothing to get the job.
7. Do what's expected then when you've done that do it again, twice.
8. Spend your evenings learning shit.
9. Spot an opportunity and grasp it by the neck and wring it out until it begs for mercy.
10. Repeat steps 6 to 8.
11. Repeat step 10.
12. Stop moaning.

I hope this helps. Don't argue with it until you've given it a try. No, not  couple of weeks, half a fucking lifetime. Then come back to me.

I had the same start as you did. Trust me.

Cameron

Wanker.

Job Agents. Again.

I don't know if I ever mentioned that if this breed of carbuncles on the backside of humanity, or recruitment consultants as they like to call themselves, are an unwelcome intrusion upon my state of being or not?

I am an engineer, of electronics, and software and firmware on microprocessors and PCs and huge computers when necessary. I have been doing this for many years and am quite good at it.

Years ago, when I wanted to do some "work" for some chaps and they wanted to give me some "money", they advertised, usually in newspapers or even maybe in a magazine, or more lately on the internet, and I would look to see if I wanted their money and I could do the job, and we would talk to each other and arrange a trade.

This worked quite well. If they wanted me to do a "job" I would arrange with them either so much per hour or so much for a job. I would do the job and they would pay me. This was good. They have always been happy with me.

What happens now is there are about two main web sites upon which the poor workers, e.g. me, put their CVs. These are then reduced from a finely-crafted document into a selection of key words. The "job agents" (for that is all they are, ill-educated scum who feed off the efforts of such as I) then contact companies, and convince them that they will add value to their seeking-of-workers requirements, and they will find what they want, convert it into some more key words, and match them against these two databases. They will then email, automatically, the workers who they believe match, and wait.

For this, they will charge the work, in perpetuity, around 1/6th to 1/5th of his earnings. Effectively the person who wants the work done pays this on top.

The problem with this is that these "job agents", or "scum", are stupid, have no idea what the company or worker wants, or can do, and refuse to understand this. This means that someone, such as I, who is good at this, never gets near the company who wants me, but instead he is presented with a raft of fucking dickwads who couldn't find their arses with both hands and a map.

Here is a simple example. It is an email from a "job agent":

Hi Pengy,

A key client of mine is looking for an experienced Firmware Engineer to join them onsite in Guildford on an initial 6 month contract.

The key skills they are looking for include:

• Microchip PIC 18bit
• MPLAB
• Bare Metal
• Good knowledge of Microprocessor hardware (sketch IO block and Timer Works)

Please send an updated CV for more information on location and rates.

Let me explain:

Microchip do not make an 18bit PIC. They make an 18 series PIC which is 8 bit.
MPLAB is obsolete.
Bare Metal is a term only used by fuckwits to mean no operating system.
"sketch IO block" and "Timer Works" are not even known to Google in this context.

An 18 series PIC would be filled with code in one day by me. I have met "engineers" who would take months or years and it still wouldn't work.

I so dearly wish I could find out who wants someone to do this work so I can save them 5½ months and in the process make at least another of these fucking useless cunts redundant and hopefully reliant on a food bank for his next breakfast.

That's how much I hate them.I wish I could find the words to describe how much I hate this, but sadly, they have not been invented.

I hope you understand.

Pengs x

Fishing

Here is my little blogette concerning angling or fishing.

I like sea fishing, where you catch a fish and then you pan fry it (I don't know why they say "pan-fry", I suppose it makes it obvious that it's fried in a pan, as opposed to, say, an old sock or dustbin lid).

Anyway, there are blokes who get off on the traditional struggle of taking the 4x4 down to the river, ripping up the meadows with their all-weather tyres and 4 litre diesel engines, so they can pit their immense wits against those ferocious denizens of the deep which lurk threateningly below,

Skilfully, they tie a bit of line onto a hook, add a lump of lead to sink it, and a float so it doesn't sink, then impale a worm onto the hook and, using a massive carbon fibre pole, launch this lot across the river so far that you wonder why they didn't start on the other side.

They then use mental force to entice the evil fish onto the hook so that they can proudly show their fellow warmongering humans that their fight, nay battle, against the fearsome foe was won, then rip the heck out of the despicable adversary's mouth, causing irreparable damage, and chuck it back in.

Sometimes the fish, or the reeds, win. When this happens, the hapless angler loses his tackle. Undaunted, the mighty angler simply reaches into his tacklebox and replaces this expensive pile of detritus with another.

Here are my friends. They are ducks (more specifically a duck and a drake). They are called Lucky and Mucky Duck. Lucky is the one with the orangy beak and is actually a duck. Mucky is a drake (lighter beak, when he is grown he will have a green head). They are mallards.

Here is a picture of the anglers detritus. Lucky had this lot shoved in her beak and I got it out, not at all aided by Mucky who thought I was attacking Lucky. I won't show the injuries Lucky suffered, nor those suffered by me whilst trying to remove it all.

I don't care what hobbies people have. Most of mine involve drinking and I try not to piss on the duck's heads afterwards. If anglers would please think about the crap they leave behind and what damage it might do, and perhaps make an effort to clear up a bit, or try something less adventurous, maybe, Lucky wouldn't have had to go through that. And nor would I.

Please share if you feel like it.

Thanks a bunch

Pengs x

Witch

I was sitting at work earlier. I could do no work because I'm off for a week, and they're backing my stuff up so I can't touch it.

In came some chaps to ask me about some bits we're doing.

We discussed said bits. Anyway, one chap said something about some footballer, I wasn't really taking a lot of notice. Some jolly foreigner chap. Apparently he paid a "witch doctor" for some time, it was like insurance. Then he stopped paying, and broke his leg playing footie. It was an omen.

Then the bloke said "imagine that, you pay and get nothing and then stop paying and anything that happens to you is because you stopped paying the witch doctor. How stupid are people?"

I said "imagine if you paid like hundreds of pounds a week just in case something went wrong? And nothing did? And if you stopped paying all of a sudden something would go wrong?"

"Yes," he said, "Stupid, isn't it?"

"Yes, I replied. I was talking about the NHS."

Goes quiet, doesn't it?

Story

I have no idea if this is true, but it would be great if it was. As told to me by a girl at work, about her friend.

The friend had finished Uni and gone travelling for a year, near the end of which her mum came over to meet her in New York to visit. They went shopping. The mum couldn't take any more shopping so she left the girl to it and went back to her hotel. It was evening, and she felt a little intimidated, coming from the English countryside, and being in New York, a very alien territory for her.

She went into the hotel with her shopping and pressed the call button for the lift. The doors opened, and the porter, helpful man that he was, and hoping for a tip, put her shopping into the lift, into which she now felt obliged to enter, accompanied by three large and fierce looking New York hoods; black, of course, as they are the gangsta type ones, a fact well-known by all English Countryside ladies, from the films. The lift doors closed. The lift did not move.

The middle one of the gentlemen leaned over to her and whispered "hit the floor." She threw herself to the floor, saying "please take what you want."

The gentleman said "I meant hit the button for the floor you want."

Apparently, the embarrassment was audible.

A few days later she went to pay the bill and leave. The concierge told her it was paid for, and there was a note.

"Lady, you have made me laugh more than I have laughed recently. Please accept this stay on me."

Will Smith.

The other two guys were his bodyguards.

Please let that be true.

I think this will do

I despair. I have tried many time to compose a reply to this.

I fear that I am bereft of the right words to describe the abysmal attitude which TalkTalk, at all levels, have foisted upon me.

I cannot sensibly reply to a sentence which contains more than one misused reflexive pronoun, nor indeed a reference to an engineer as an individual. Woe is me.

The "exchange to the master socket" paradigm leaves me, as spake the Bard of Avon, "rampoozling in my own juices, for I am wan," because this very fact was revealed to me on Friday last. It is thus far not only eight and forty hours, but thrice so.

I am reluctant to be available to welcome an "engineer", for I am one. I have forty years experience of being in that poorly employ, in the fields of oil, gas and the nuclear industry, and am possibly, as a designer of electronics, software and firmware in such trade, more qualified than any that you could send.

It is most pleasing to note, however, that if it is "deemed" that my service performing to the acceptable level, as made clear by the two iPhones, Kindle Fire and two Personal Computers thereto attached will give evidence, that you will charge me £65.00. It is reassuring to know that shareholder value is at the forefront of the agenda, and this is surely going to bring in more customers.

May I say, at this point, that if you even THINK about charging for the premature termination of your laughable contract, that you are going to make Mr Cameron and that whole pig thing seem quite sensible.

It is such a shame. You were so helpful last time.

I refrain from mentioning the result of paying peanuts, and any reference to species including, but not exclusive to, primates.

Yours with love

Pengy

TalkTalk

The last email I sent to the CEO of TalkTalk, Dido Harding, who has been helpful in the past.

I will let you know what she replies.

Debt

See, there's this budget. It taxes sugar. Nobody cares. It gives small businesses yawn yawn. And personal yawn yawn.

In fact, yawn, yawn.

But the economy is something or the other, yawn.

On the back of this, the DEBT (money we owe to folk) is going up. Not a bit up, fucking trillions of
quid. Record amounts. Jesus H Christ amounts of money.

It doesn't matter, because we have MONEY (tax) coming in. So we can pay that DEBT off. The difference between MONEY (tax) and DEBT is DEFICIT. Porcelain-Gob is paying down the DEFICIT. Not the DEBT.

All clear? Thought so.

Now here is a thing. This scares the shit out of me. The DEBT is actually CASH which WE BORROW from FOREIGN people/ Such as our ALLIES, the SAUDIS (murderers) etc.

Because we have a GOOD CREDIT RATING, we can borrow it at FUCK ALL.

YAY, go us.

If, tomorrow, things change, then we have to pay it back, and borrow it again, At NOT VERY CHEAP.

If this happens, you, me, Porcelain-Face and everyone else is in what is called, in modern parlance, DEEP SHIT.

Ewwww

This is some stuff about the EU.

In 1945 some chaps decided that Hitler had been a bit of a git and that war was a BAD thing.

They decided to have a club where there would be no more war.

This was a GOOD idea. War is bollocks.

So the chaps decided to get together in perfect harmony and all be one thing, that way they wouldn't have anything to fight about.

Lots of talking was done and nobody got killed.

In 1975, 30 years later, Britain was invited to join their club. There was no way on earth that this would happen because it was too soon, and many British folk remembered the last war, which was pretty horrible. So they called it a Trade Agreement, where British people could buy stuff from France, such as cheese, which is, quite frankly, all that the French really make.

Some British people like cheese and thought that Brie was superior to Cheddar so they voted themselves in.

A bit later, the club changed its name from the EEC to the EU, got a flag, three presidents, demanded loads of money, took the Queen off of everything and we were stuffed.

They based themselves in Brussels and Strasbourg. They pay themselves bagloads of cash.

They do nothing for it.

I have an anti-alligator device here, it is actually a broken alarm clock. There are no alligators here, therefore it works. And that is why we have no more wars, because they have a thing which means there are no more wars. It works on the same principle. YOU know, and I know, that the reason there are no alligators here is that I have a door, through which alligators can't get. I know, and you SHOULD know, that the reason we have no more wars is because if someone starts one then all hell will let loose and we will all die. Nukily.

So. I do not think the EU does anything of any use. All they do is strut. And trough. Britain pays them about £50M a day to mainly build roads in Spain which nobody wants, least of all the Spanish.

I don't think we'll ever get out, because too many people whose ridiculous lifestyle depends on us being in. And, trust this penguin, if we get out, there will be a disorderly queue of others who will want to do the same.

Among the people who desperately want to stay in are these.

If you're happy about that, then vote REMAIN on the 23rd of June.

You wanker.

Haha

A key client of mine is currently looking for an experienced Embedded Linux Engineer with strong Buildroot experience to join their team in Cambridge for an initial 6 months contract.

Please see details below:

Job Purpose
•    A key member of the Linux Platform Software team responsible for the Software Platform of a next-generation Network Audio SoC based on embedded Linux

Key Responsibilities & Tasks
•    Hands-on Software Development, Integration, Debug and Test
•    Embedded Software Design
•    Software Specification and Documentation
•    Requirements Analysis
•    Joint development activities with key technology partners and lead customers

Qualifications & Skills
Mandatory
•    Good honours degree in Computer Science, Electronic Engineering or a related discipline
•    Excellent knowledge of hardware and software architectures with at proven experience of embedded systems engineering
•    Extensive C/C++ programming experience in an embedded environment
•    Embedded Linux (e.g. Buildroot, Gentoo, Chrome OS)
•    Excellent written and verbal communication skills

Beneficial
•    Software development for products in the consumer electronics industry
•    Advanced Linux Sound Architecture (ALSA)
•    Linux kernel and device driver development
•    TCP/IP networking and sockets programming
•    Wireless communication e.g. WiFi, Bluetooth, NFC
•    Software development on ARM-based SoCs
•    Git, JIRA Agile (Greenhopper), BuildBot
•    Python


Person Specification
•    Able to work unsupervised or as part of a team as required
•    A creative thinker with a pro-active can-do attitude
•    A quick learner, able to pick up new skills and technologies easily
•    Highly productive and results-driven
•    Able to work to tight timescales
•    Quality-oriented with high standards but pragmatic and able to compromise where appropriate