It's my birthday today. I'm getting on a bit. I'm happy because Stephanie at work made me a cakepie which was fab and had hooky red bull, a choc cake from Tesco, pork pies and candles. Yes, I know it's weird. So am I.
That's me. That's what I am. I love pork pies, sausage rolls, curry, cider, cider, cider and fags. And sometimes I even eat veg.
I'm overweight. I'm overaged. I'm quite good at what I do because I have done it for a long time.
I like going on Twitter because I like to chill out after a journey home sitting behind idiots in lorries who don't know how to judge that they're not going faster than the other one. Idiots in Skoda Fabia (2017 plate) which makes me wonder who they bought the tools from, Wartburg or Trabant. And where the pillock driving it got his licence. I wonder lots of things like that.
Then when I get on Twitter and say Hello Everyone, I see some awesome people. Nice people. People who talk about veg or trees or birds or what you had for dinner or kinky sex or tits and tatts or cake. Or pie. Or norks.
But mostly what I see is what some bloody politician said. I don't even mind that, but then I get Tory or Socialism. Or black. Or white. Or gay.
Like what am I? I'm not any of those things. I've been watching my 18 yo showing my 16 yo how to walk in heels. I've been pissing myself laughing, because my kids are fabulous. I don't want any kind of bloody government. I don't hate Tories. I know a few and they're ever so nice. I don't want Socialism. I know a few socialists and they're ever so nice. I know a few pissheads, bikers, vicars (far too many), bored housewives, singers, drummers, engineers, designers, poledancers, unemployed folk, disabled folk, kids, ancient old farts, publicans, ex-soldiers, pilots, just actual people.
I don't know what a Tory is. I know that people hate them. Please stop hating people. It makes you look stupid. It makes my Twitter not worth coming home to.
Please, just for tonight?