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Hello.

If there's one thing more annoying than tweet theft it's being given the opportunity to put one's thoughts into writing without having the ability to do so properly.

Anyone can use twitter innit and its like txt an u can make it shorter so itll fit.

I'm just an olde-fashioned penguin, not an English teacher. However, penguins get teasy when they see "to" and "too" mixed up. And no, it isn't dyslexia, nor are you thick; it's a lack of education. Not your fault, nor mine.

Here is a handy Pengy guide to the difference between two, too and to.

TWO is a number. 2. Both. A pair. It is never anything else. The animals went in to the ark, two by two, too.

Nobody gets this wrong.

TOO means AS WELL, ALSO. IN ADDITION. It also means more than that, as in TOO much, TOO many, if it's anything to do with making things big or bigger, it's TOO.

TO is anything else. No, really. It's called a function word. Sod it. Like to eat, to drink, to be merry. Stupid language. Anyway, you know when you need to use "to", because if you said "I'm going go the doctor" it would sound silly, and it's "I'm going TO go TO the doctor". TO GO is the verb. Stupid verb. TO the doctor indicates movement TOWARDS the doctor. A smack TO the head. I work 9 TO 5.

Now you haven't got an excuse. You're not thick, you're not dyslexic. And now you're educated.

Be careful, I'm watching you.

And I expect at least two of you to watch me, too.