Goodbye

In the light of revelations by Cameron, Clegg and Miliband that the will of the British people is not of any interest to them, because they know better, I would like to say just one thing.

Lots of cleverer bloggers than me, and even some politicians like Nigel Farage, and many of the press, have put the arguments both lucidly and succinctly, so I won't even try to do better.

This is my message to them. Just this.

FUCK. YOU.

FUCK YOU, IN THE EAR, WITH A RUSTY POLE.

You do not represent me, nor anyone else in this fair isle. As far as I'm concerned, you can just fuck RIGHT off.

Goodbye.

The results of my comprehensive research into the ongoing problem with the European Single Currency (The Euro).

Scrap it.

Three

I have, of course, nicked the title from the film with that bird who gets her Norks out a lot.

Nothing to do with that though.

I went to the theatre on Saturday afternoon to see a play called "Three Days in May" which was about Churchill, and his mates Lord Wotsit, Neville Thing, and the Two Labour Blokes.

It was a good play. It's about what may or may not have happened in the three days in May in 1940 which Churchill conveniently brushed under the carpet in his "history" of WWII. Where the French say they'll surrender, and eat more cheese, and Mussolini says he'll recommend to the Germans that they leave us all alone, as long as Britain says "yeah, all right then."

May have happened. Luckily Churchill told them to fuck off.

In the interval the lady next to me said "I remember all this like it was yesterday." I think she could. She was about 85.

I said to lady "Isn't it such a shame that it didn't make any difference, now we're ruled by Germany and France?"

"Eh?" she enquired.

"The EU." quoth I.

"Oh, yes. I have heard of it. It doesn't really register with me. What have they done?" she asked, innocently.

"Oh, for fuck's sake."

Argh.

OMG

The iPhone 4GS.

God. I am such a naive Penguin.

They're not queueing up to buy it. I thought they were, because mine is a bought one (no, it's an olde-fashioned 3GS my old boss bought for me).

They're queueing up to RENT it. Our lad at work, who is separated and on about £12k a year including shift allowance, tells me his ex has one. It costs £45 per MONTH. And you have it for 3 YEARS. And that costs £1,620. Yes, you can make some calls on it for that money, and send some txt, and have some internets. His ex does not work. He pays her maintenance because they had a child. And she spends it on THAT.

Jesus. I believe mine cost £400 (probably less). I pay £2 a week to TESCO (spits) which gives me loads of calls and shit, and sometimes they top it up a bit more so I have about £100 credit on it, fuck knows why. Might be a mistake.

Someone tell me what the actual fuck the world is made of? I am lost.

Diet

Here is the Pengy diet.

Eat when you're hungry.

If you eat lots of MacDonalds you will die.

You will die anyway.

Eugh

The EU explained for idiots.

If you know this already, fuck off.

If you don't, read it. If you don't see it as a problem, go back to your telly and fuck off.

If you think it's about time something was done, for fuck's sake tell me what.

The EU, European Union was meant to stop wars in Europe after that cunt Hitler kicked off last time.

OK so far? Right. Countries signed up to it. The UK did, having told the plebs (you) that it was all to do with cheap fish and cheese, so you did, you gullible twats. Still, that's done.

In 1992, the Maastricht Treaty (so-called because it was signed in Maastricht, a shithole in Belgium) was signed on our behalf by John Major, who didn't ask anyone else apart from MPs who mainly said "no". That gave the EU more power. Denmark said no, in a vote, so they had another vote, until they said "yes".

The EU like power. They like control. Find a picture of the cunt von Rompuy and tell me he isn't the Emperor off of Star Wars.

In 1995 the EU made a special money called the Euro. That meant they could control money too. Brilliant.

Anyway, they didn't have enough power. So they had another treaty (treaties are like a new set of powers that they like to give themselves). It was called the Lisbon Treaty (so-called because it was signed in Lisbon, in Portugal). The Irish asked their people to vote for this. They said "no". So they voted again, until they said "yes". This was in 2009.

Another load of power. Now, folk, the thing with power is it's a drug. Once you have it, you need more. Like any other addictive drug.

Now they realise they've fucked up majorly by trying to bring expensive countries (Germany) in line with the cheap ones (Greece). They forget to mention that Greece's accounts were bent as a nine-bob note, but because people in the EU should have seen it coming, it got swept under the carpet.

So they need another treaty. So they can rob countries of money (well, not countries, more you and me, really), so they can prop it up. And it will happen, again and again and again. This treaty is called the ... actually, I have no idea. I don't care. I know Slovakia voted "no". So they made them vote again until they said "yes".

So you know as much as me now. It sounds simple, because it is.

Any ideas?

Women

Women are up in arms that they're not going to be retiring 5 years earlier than men.

And they're protesting.

Right.

THERE IS NO FUCKING MONEY. And the CHIIILLDREN aren't going to be earning it either.

You've been told for years. Actuaries (the pen pushers who work out who long you'll live and how much it costs) have been telling Blair since he got in. He said "la la la".

Now, for fuck's cunting shitridden sake will you cunts get a fucking grip on reality and shut the ACTUAL FUCK UP?

Shit happens.

And Cameron, grow a fucking pair, and make this HAPPEN.

Jesus H Christ.

How STUPID ARE YOU PEOPLE?

PM

This is what I'd do if I was PM for one day.

Barroso, von Rompuy: Sod off. That's it. No, no discussion. Bye.

Banks: the value of your gambling can go down as well as up. Live with it. Ditto investors, shareholders.

Income tax. Bye.

HMRC. Bye.

Petrol will be three quid a gallon and will fund everything. Get stuck in.

Whitehall: Bye.

We drive on the left, we speak English, we do not do war. OK? Good.

Those who lent the country money under previous misguided regimes: Whoops.

Entrepreneurs: start a healthcare scheme, please, also bin emptying services, recycling, anything you like. Also, car parking is free. Sorry, NCP. Find another way. Maybe wash the cars.

There is no council tax, for there is no council. Bye.

Nurses, teachers, other useful types: the entrepreneurs will look after you.

See what happens, eh?

Any questions?

ADDENDUM:

If you're skint you'll be fed.

Farmers. Grow what you like. You know more about it than I do.

Gays: you can marry who you like, where you like. It's nothing to do with me. Wear a fucking dress if you want.

Any more questions?

Citizenship

Hey ho.

I'm British. Unlike half the fucking government.

http://www.ukcitizenshiptest.co.uk/ is the wonderful citizenship test devised by Martians. It's pants.

Here's my one.

I think you'll agree it is more useful.

1. How do you spell GUINNESS?
   a) like that
   b) not like that
2. What shape is a football?
   a) spherical
   b) square
3. What is the European Union?
   a) a scam
   b) a distant galaxy
4. What is BEER made of?
   a) hops and malt
   b) milk
5. What is Belgium famous for?
   a) chocolate and chips
   b) a really good government
6. What are apples and pears?
   a) stairs
   b) a rubbish fruit salad
7. Curry is ...
   a) good
   b) bad
8. Complete the sentence: "An apple a day"
   a) keeps the doctor away
   b) is one of your five
9. Tony Blair left because
   a) he ran out of money and saw the shit hitting the fan
   b) Gordon was his big mate and he wanted him to have a go
10. David Cameron can Fuck Off.
    a) true
    b) false

Score: 

mostly a: you are British.

mostly b: you are clearly some kind of cunt.