Britain is furious

The Millipede is apparently furious because some very naughty boys have been playing silly buggers with someone elses passports.

He says that it is an "outrage", which actually is quite a big word for him.

The Millipede says that he "hopes and expects" that Tel Aviv will co-operate fully with the investigation announced by The Clown. Blimey, the Mossad must be crapping themselves.

He also said that "the integrity of our system is critical".

Let me explain a couple of simple things.

1. The only person likely to have any difficulty getting a British passport is a Briton.
2. I am guessing here, but I would suggest that most, if not all, of the Mossad speak fluent English.
3. I am guessing here, but I would suggest that one, if not both, of the abovementioned chaps speak not a word of Israeli.
4. I would not trust the two abovementioned chaps to find either of their arses with both hands.

If you want to sort out the integrity of your system, try talking to the kind of people who are naughty boys for a living, or who might have some experience of this. Suggestions include:

• The Mossad
• The last lot of immigrants who shouldn't have got in.
• Most pikeys.
• Half the population of HM Prison Service.
• Anyone who runs a Cruise Ship.
• A bunch of schoolkids.

And a few people to avoid:

• A University Research Unit
• Anyone in the Civil Service
• Me

HTH.

Don't try to be clever. These people have to get up early to practise thinking as slowly as you.

Anyway, what's it got to do with either of you? One of you is Scottish and the other one's a Belgian.