Kids

I love kids. I especially love kids who are above the age at which they need their nappies changing. Kids teach adults a lot more than adults teach kids, even though neither knows this.

I have kids. The little ones are the best. They ask about everything, anything. And they expect answers.

They ask the daftest things, anything from "why is diet coke bad for you?" to "why is there a big mark in the ceiling" to "how does gravity work?"

And they expect answers. And they get them.

I tell them, for instance, that aspartame is a drug and it is well-known (to me, anyway) that if you pump it into kids they develop all of the symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, and therefore will become a pain in the backside, and therefore if they drink diet coke then their dad is going to start losing it. And their dad weighs three times as much as them and can lose his temper if pushed, so it will probably be best to drink full-fat coke instead and just make sure they clean their teeth before bedtime.

I tell them, for instance, that if they will insist on having a shower with the door open or play battleships with each other in the bath, the water which is meant to be in the respective receptacle will find its way through the floor and eventually soak through the plaster, and then Dad will have to get out the paintbrush and make it good, which means no football in the street today.

I tell them, for instance, that gravity is probably a wave-particle duality and as such is similar to light, although scientists don't fully understand how gravity works, and that if they pay attention at school and become scientists and find the answer then neither they, nor their dad, will ever have to work again yay! This may or may not be true, as I tend to make things up now and again when I'm struggling.

However, what I don't tell them, for instance, is that aspartame has been passed by the FSA (the food one, not the financial one) and, as such, is perfectly safe even though it has been banned in some other naughty countries, and because it is a substitute for sugar it will not make them fat.

I don't tell them, for instance, that they should shut up and do their homework.

I don't tell them, for instance, that gravity has always been there so it doesn't matter, because, in real terms, allowing for changes over the last few years, it is better than it was under the Conservative government.

And they respect me. They also know that I am a seriously dodgy character, and I have explained to them why I am as bent out of shape as I am. And they understand that. But, at the end of the day, they know the reasons for things.

And if I lost my job tomorrow, which is on the cards, they would understand that the chances of getting a new game for the whatever gizmo it is that they play games on would be pretty remote.

However, they think I'm cool, whatever that is. And so do their mates. Which is nice.

What I couldn't cope with is knowing that the kids were going to school and being told by their mates that their mates' dad thinks that their dad was a completely useless, lying, double-dealing, hubristic tosspot who didn't give a stuff about anyone but himself, and sold the country down the river.

Not like certain other people's kids probably do.