Important

http://ukwebspider.blogspot.com/

I like UKWebSpider. Survival is what he's doing at the moment. Reminds one of the sort of film that would feature Sylvester Stallone, Will Smith or the like, playing a desperate man trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic world.

I don't know whether Spidey is right or not. I don't know if we are imminently pre-apocalyptic. If we are, go and download his torrent. Prepare to meet thy doom.

I am in a pretty unusual situation. I have survived in some pretty strange places, for one reason or another about which I choose not to expand at the moment. Without food, and without water. I have lived without heat or fuel in some drastically low temperatures, for quite long periods. I'm not saying that I could live like the wild man of Borneo for a year living on crushed bird droppings and sand, and drinking the juice from sloes. But I know more than most about how to, at least.

So, maybe we should be listening to Spidey. We should have tins, and jars, and candles, and coal, and wood. I have. And our toys should be able to run off batteries and generators. Mine do. It won't do any harm.

But here's a thing, and this definitely makes me think.

The government machine put out a "survival guide" not so long ago. It told of what we should do when the tourists attack. Or was it terrorists? We should have tins, and jars, and a battery-operated radio set. And we should stay in, and tune in. And all radio channels will tell us what to do.

If we suffer a half-decent attack from some hairy-arsed foreign nutcase armed with a bundle of enriched uranium and a detonator, I can tell you what we should do. We should place out heads carefully between our legs and kiss our arses goodbye.

But what will they do? Aha. I shall tell. They have a bunker. All "authorities" have them. They are hidden, because if they weren't hidden, they would be taken over by bigger, stronger people than the authorities. They are supposed to be radiation-proof, which means that they have big fat thick walls made of concrete and lined with lead, and/or they are deep under the ground. And they will be full of tins and jars. And there will be a communication line to upstairs so the authorities will be able to tell the radio stations what to transmit, for the protection of the proles, even though there is actually a hole the size of a small planet underneath what used to be Broadcasting House.

But the authorities are important. They know all. They are the chosen ones. They will know what to do, they will keep calm. They will carry on. They will eat all of the tinned food, and drink all of the water. They will consume all of the oxygen. The generator will run out of fuel, and they will emerge into the bright sunshine to the sound of trumpets, where the radiation will remove the skin from their backs and THEY WILL DIE.

So that's a waste of time then.

However, maybe it won't be the hairy-arsed nutter. Maybe it will be the minor nutter. Or the tourists. Maybe it won't be nuclear.

Then the authorities will bunker down, and eventually it will al be over, and the authorities can make a new society. It will be really good, this one, because it will feature only the authorities, and they are the chosen ones, and they are superior, and the New World Order will be super-intelligent, literate, numerate, loving control and ...

Hold on. Where is the money going to come from? They only exist because they are funded by people who do stuff. People who make stuff. People who grow stuff.

I would love to be a fly-on-the-wall. I would dearly love to watch them running round telling each other what to do, wondering where all the pizza went, wondering why the light doesn't work, and talking complete and utter bollocks.