Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Thursday, 14 December 2017


I have two friends.

One of them works on a farm and he gets paid by the farmer.

One of them doesn't work, but I get him to do jobs for me and give him some money.

They live in my house.

The one who works on a farm pays me some of the money that the farmer gives him.

The one who does some jobs for me doesn't pay me. That's fine, because he does some jobs for me.

I guess everyone thinks that's fair? I hope so. I think it is.


I have another option. I can pay the one who does jobs for me as much extra as the farm worker pays me. Then he can give me it back.

That would be equally fair, but fairly stupid from both our points of view.


Unrelated, people who work for the government think they pay tax in the same way as ordinary people do. Same goes for people on benefits.

I'm saying nothing.

Thursday, 9 November 2017


This might be a bit niche.

It was funny to me.

I was in a room with the boss today, and he suggested that we might develop the next generation of a product that we make. He asked me what I thought.

I said to him that I thought that the only problem that we'd have is in the decisions as to the way it was done. I said that I thought that it would end up being driven by people who really didn't understand the market, the customers, the requirements, and who would overrule any sensible development decisions that we might otherwise take.

He smiled, and said:

"I'm pretty sure they'll let me me make the decisions on all aspects of this."

I looked at him, askance. I nodded, slowly.

The smile disappeared from his face. Imperceptibly slowly.

It was replaced by a look of realisation.

Thursday, 12 October 2017


At the risk of upsetting at least everyone, God, and his dog, I feel I must say this.

Please bear with me, or fuck off, I don't honestly care which if your name isn't Julie.

There was a referendum, recentylyish. It was about whether the "people" wanted to stay in the EU. It was brought about because politicians didn't have the bollocks to do anything else, and UKIP (wankers) said if they got in, then they would do it.

David "Pigfucker" Cameron did it, then went balls-out to tell people to vote "NO", which they didn't, because they didn't like him.

They lost. And Brexit happened. And Pigfucker lost his job.

I didn't vote. I never do. I don't like to encourage the wankers.

I don't actually care, I don't value money much, I have enough of it to live on. I don't make money out of money and despise people who do.

Now it's all ratshit, the pound is worth about a pound.

The new Prime Arsehole, Ms May, has had a sodding election, she basically lost.

Now they're having another fucking referendum in case they win. Lose. Whatevs.

Please stop me saddling up the gnus and running amok.

And stop voting. Please do that.

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Dear Rachael

May I call you Jon?

I only ask because that's your name. You may call me Pengy, or Paul, for that is mine.

I don't normally respond to people personally, for I am busy, earning money to fund myself, my family and you.

But you posted this, and said "admit it, you know someone like this."

I'm not any sort of wing. I will admit to understanding what a weapons-grade crock of irredeemable carnage any kind of socialism causes in any country within only a few years, so I guess you could say I err on the side of sensibility. I think you would call me right-wing, though I'm not.

I'm not any sort of class. I work. I am not management. My dad went hungry so we didn't.

I am not disabled or anything. I expect I will be one day.

Let me talk about the points you mention in your very clever graphic. I've corrected the punctuation where appropriate.

  • "Thinks singing the National Anthem should be compulsory"
    I think it's a dirge. It suggests that some beardy skyfairy should look after the unelected head of state and leader of the Church. I like the Queen (this one, and the one led by Freddie) and I think she does a great job. She costs me 20p a year and has a nice hat.
  • Votes to destroy the NHS despite the fact his entire family depends on it"
    The NHS is a brilliant idea. It is fabulous when you pop into the doctors with your head hanging off, and they stitch it back on. If it could be stripped of 796 layers of sponging management it would be quite efficient. Aneurin would be spinning in his grave if he could see the level of piss to which it is subjected. My mum was a nurse. Both my sisters were nurses. My daughter is a nurse who had to study at night to get a degree under the Mr Tony Blair (Labour) government just to keep her job as sister in a NHS hospital. She is very good at that job. I love her to bits.
  • Thinks he's a patriot but votes for the party that is asset-stripping the country.
    A patriot is someone who thinks or some godforsaken reason that the country in which he was born is somehow sacrosanct, whose Army and other "forces" are somehow "heroes" by default, and who will, at all costs, back it up even when it arserapes him for money and power. That isn't me either, although I know very many women who would be quite happy to land a squaddie/fireman because they think that wielding a gun/hose and a fancy uniform will make him automatically a wonderful lover. Tell me more about these assets, like the gold that Gordon Brown (Labour) sold for tenpence on the dollar.
  • Thinks the human rights act is political correctness gone mad.
    The human rights act is a UK law. It lets you defend your rights in UK courts and compels public organisations (including the Government, police and local councils) to treat everyone equally, with fairness, dignity and respect. That's it. Show me a government (any one) that treats people thus. Or a policeman. Or a council. It is far from political correctness, it is politicians' carte blanche to do what they like to you, because it says virtually nothing.
  • Thinks "mass uncontrolled immigration" is a Labour Policy.
    Any EU National is allowed into the UK to work, study or live freely under the EU EEA directive of 2006, when Tony Blair (Labour) was Prime Minister. Any other bastard is allowed in providing they have got themselves an EU passport and can swim.
  • Obsessed with crime but votes for the party that cut 20,000 police officers
    I don't really have time to describe the case of Paul Chambers, or any of the other myriad "criminals" who have been brought to "justice" by the Police Officers we have left, when they are not publicising their rainbow-coloured Pridemobiles. Police officers arrest people. I was one (a police officer and someone arrested) so I know. I understand that the Labour Party would bring in 72% of the population at a cost to the taxpayer of £3 year each but I personally don't think this is realistically viable.
  • Likes to think he's affected by Labour's proposed tax on £80K a year
    I am not, sadly. My MD is. Were it not for my MD, I would not have work. I respect the job he does, which is a very responsible one. I do not believe he has all day to dick about on Twitter and call himself Rachael when his name is Jon, but feel free to correct me if you can find out.
  • Froths at the mouth with rage when people protest against the Government
    I agree with this. I think all of them should be strung up by the knackers with piano wire. Please make this happen. But, at the same time, please don't think that any protest (using the same techniques) should not be brought against the frothing hate-filled bastards who are now in opposition, if they ever get to power.
  • Actually thinks Hitler was a socialist.
    In times of deep economic crisis and instability, rising uncontrolled inflation, and huge unemployment, there is no alternative to socialism. People will vote for it, as long as the proponent is a competent speaker and will promise them unicorn farts, delivered to their door, and a big lake. This is why they voted for Hitler. Hitler was not actually a socialist, he was a cunt. But if he'd said "vote for me, for I am a cunt" he would not have been so successful. So, instead, and cunningly, he said he was a socialist. I have to leave the ball in your court, lovely Rachael (sorry, Jon) on this one.
  • Thinks poor people are "taking the piss" if they own a widescreen TV.
    The problem with this last point is that poor people are welcome to own a widescreen TV. I don't have one. The only piss there is to be taken if I, as a poor person, am paying for a TV for them, of whatever wideness.
As ever, thank you for reading. Please tell Jon.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017


The Tories are cruel.

When I were a lad, we had free school milk. I can't drink milk now, because the smell of it reminds me of when it was in the playground on sunny days, and against the radiator indoors in the winter.

If I knew then, as I know now, that the reason for this was to encourage the growth of bacteria to curdle the milk, thus putting off the unsuspecting children and thus saving public money, I would have been more proud of my lofty position of "milk monitor" and, if necessary, force fed my peers, nasally, with a bicycle pump instead of helping them to dispose of the product in plant pots and down the drains.

But no. I literally swallowed the idea that this milk was our blessed government's way of showing us that they loved us and looked after us.

And all was well, until the epitome of evil, Margaret Thatcher, took away the milk. And started a war with Germany. Or was it the Argentinians?

That's why I hate the Tories. They are vile, uncaring scumbags who are trying to destroy the NHS by stopping people having operations to become what they want to be, whether that be a different sex, or even in some cases a sex which hasn't yet been invented. Or aliens.

And they should be worried.

I know I am.

Had Kim Yong Un had school milk he would have grown up to be strong and virile and not have to wave his nuclear willy at Japan and start World War III.

But this is all in the past. Quantum ille canis, in fenstra est? I hear you ask, as if you understood Latin.

And with that, I let you draw you own conclusions. Vote early in the next election. and if you're in Tower Hamlets, vote often.

Real Pengy.

Monday, 31 July 2017


This is an email I received from a lady in Germany a couple of weeks ago. I thought I'd share it. Not my words, but hers.

A different perspective from some, I guess.

"About what we talked about concerning the refugee crisis in 2015: What Angela Merkel did then, might have had the wrong effect, spreading news that Germany "invites“ refugees in. But from how I experienced the situation back then, it was a humanitarian measure in a crisis and a situation that could easily have gone terribly wrong claiming many lives. You also need to take our history into account. After the war Germany was not severely punished and totally crushed for what they had done but helped and supported to grow into a democratic and prosperous country. So, I somehow also see it as an act of gratefulness of a country that is doing well, helping others in an emergency. I personally respect Merkel for what she did back then. The side effects were, however, enormous and in the face of a new wave of migrants, this kind of approach can´t continue. Putting people up for a limited amount of time is relatively easy but integrating them into society so that they don´t feel permanently on the margin is much more complicated and can only work if many, many individuals help make it possible by supporting those families and their children to get jobs, housing and education. As we´ve seen with France for example, frustration and segregation breeds violence. Maybe I´m a bit idealistic, but I´ve met and befriended several refugee families and I see them as individuals like me and you. A politician, of course, has to take the global picture into account and that might lead to a different point of view."

Thursday, 29 June 2017


Hello everyone.

It's my birthday today. I'm getting on a bit. I'm happy because Stephanie at work made me a cakepie which was fab and had hooky red bull, a choc cake from Tesco, pork pies and candles. Yes, I know it's weird. So am I.

That's me. That's what I am. I love pork pies, sausage rolls, curry, cider, cider, cider and fags. And sometimes I even eat veg.

I'm overweight. I'm overaged. I'm quite good at what I do because I have done it for a long time.

I like going on Twitter because I like to chill out after a journey home sitting behind idiots in lorries who don't know how to judge that they're not going faster than the other one. Idiots in Skoda Fabia (2017 plate) which makes me wonder who they bought the tools from, Wartburg or Trabant. And where the pillock driving it got his licence. I wonder lots of things like that.

Then when I get on Twitter and say Hello Everyone, I see some awesome people. Nice people. People who talk about veg or trees or birds or what you had for dinner or kinky sex or tits and tatts or cake. Or pie. Or norks.

But mostly what I see is what some bloody politician said. I don't even mind that, but then I get Tory or Socialism. Or black. Or white. Or gay.

Like what am I? I'm not any of those things. I've been watching my 18 yo showing my 16 yo how to walk in heels. I've been pissing myself laughing, because my kids are fabulous. I don't want any kind of bloody government. I don't hate Tories. I know a few and they're ever so nice. I don't want Socialism. I know a few socialists and they're ever so nice. I know a few pissheads, bikers, vicars (far too many), bored housewives, singers, drummers, engineers, designers, poledancers, unemployed folk, disabled folk, kids, ancient old farts, publicans, ex-soldiers, pilots, just actual people.

I don't know what a Tory is. I know that people hate them. Please stop hating people. It makes you look stupid. It makes my Twitter not worth coming home to.

Please, just for tonight?

Thursday, 16 February 2017


This won't fit in a tweet.

This chap Aaron was asking for money last week. He needs £50 to get into some hostel so that he can have an address so he can get a job.

I have an address. I have a job. I have never tried getting a job without an address o I have no idea, but it sounds difficult. Also it's cold out.

Anyway. I bunged him £20 as I can afford it.

Someone else bunged him £20. Apparently the bunger is a Muslim and says he's defied Aslan or some such bollocks so he took his £20 back.

Since then a kind lady has given him another £20. So he's £10 short.

Here is why I think this guy is genuine. When Muslim man took his money back Aaron wanted  to give me mine back too.

I told him to fuck off.

If you have a spare tenner and don't think this is a scam, feel free to contact Aaron.

If you think it is a scam then I've been had. Won't be the first time, won't be the last.

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Read his tweets if you like?



Wednesday, 8 February 2017


Right. Had enough of this shit. Sorry, but this will be a rant.

Islam. Muslims. Trump. MAGA. Brexit. This is what I think. You don't have to think it. If you don't like it, the door's over there *points at door*

I think Muslims are stupid. I also think Christians are stupid. As are people who support a football team, people who support a political party, people who think the NHS is brilliant.

Only, though, if they are unquestioning.

Most Muslims are born into Islam. They are brainwashed. Christians, ditto. Most other religions. This is mainly the fault of Saudis, the British State, and pot growers (in the case of Haile Selassie's Rastas).

Most people who support a football team do it because of peer pressure. Really. Think back to WHY you do. Most of you don't live there and have never been there, FFS.

If you think ANY political party gives a toss about anything other than being in power, try to stop fooling yourself.

The NHS is a seething sinkhole of waste. It's a bloody good idea, and it's fucked up beyond recognition.

Now have this. The REASON why ANY of these things even are a THING is because hoomin beans have a built-in need to deify something or someone. That's why they created all these bloody Gods. Or gods.

There is no fucking Messiah. Katie Sodding Hopkins isn't a goddess, she's an overpaid racist arsehole who gets her money from winding you up. Don't let her. Many other such idiots on Twitter, Milo for instance. And there are loads of minor ones.

For FUCK'S sake. Wake up. Grow up. Shut up.

If you want someone to hate, look at the ones who are steering your anger. Your fear. Unfollow them. All of them. Stop reading the bloody papers. It's all shite.

Or don't. It's up to you. But do NOT tweet hate into my timeline, please. If you do, I will block you, and report you. I will also ridicule you, and treat you like the garbage that you are.

Love and hugs

Pengy xx