Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Tuesday, 30 August 2011


BBC Radio 4, between 6.30 and 7 pm today.

Why? Just why?

Fags, Mags and Bags, I believe it was called. It was the biggest pile of unadulterated shite to which I have ever had the misfortune to listen. Faux-Scots accents, ditto Indian ones.

Whoever wrote, directed, played and even produced that should really think about an alternative career.

Were I a Scot, Indian or BBC licence payer I would be seriously offended.

Anyone like to tell me where I was meant to derive humour, entertainment or perhaps the will to live? Perhaps I missed the point.


I like gravy.

It's important, because some meats, especially beef, need to be rested after cooking. A good sirloin joint, for instance, needs to be rested for some twenty minutes to allow the muscles to fully relax, so the meat is as tender as it can be when it gets to the plate. It is important to allow the meat to cool.

That's where gravy comes in. Gravy adds moistness to the dish, and also enhances the flavour of the meat, if properly made. In addition, it provides heat to replace the heat lost when the meat rests.

I usually make my gravy with the meat juices. This way, the otherwise-lost bits from the cooking are not wasted. I add a little mustard powder. Or, sometimes, Dijon. Some bouillon, the swiss stuff. Thickens and seasons, like Bisto, but without adding alien flavours.

But my tip for a good gravy is this: ALWAYS add a little wine. And make sure it's the same wine as you're going to drink with the meal.

Fusion. Fusion gravy.


Tuesday, 23 August 2011


MPs. I don't think any MPs read this blog. I don't blame them, it's mostly drivel.

Perhaps someone who knows an MP or something about MPs would know the answer to this, because it has puzzled me for ages.

When someone who appears to be really straightforward and honest becomes an MP, why do they suddenly start to talk shite, agree with whatever the Prime Minister says, and generally go on a self-destruct mission, taking the country with them? Why would they want to perpetuate wars? Or perhaps the imposition of curfews and cens*rsh*p?

My suspicion has been that when they become MPs, they get taken into a darkened room and told all sorts of secret things which only MPs can know. I would be happy with that, because I guess that if I knew all sorts of secret things I would have to ditch any moral scruples I had, and appear to become suddenly very, very stupid, in the national interest.

But part of me thinks that this can't be true, because if you told certain MPs certain things, they'd immediately blurt them all over the social media, like Twitter.

So what could be the reason otherwise? Is it that power corrupts?

Help me.


While I'm on my soapbox, here is another law I would like to see. And no, I don't like laws. But this one is tops.

I know what I say won't make a difference, but at least I said it.

I would like to see all booze duty removed from sales of booze in pubs. All of it. It can be replaced by a higher tax (duty my arse) on booze in shops. Especially supermarkets, and especially Tesco, but that's a bit impractical.

See, the win here is that people will go to pubs. The British brewing industry will win, and that's often small concerns, such as fff, Hog's Back, Pot Belly and the like. Chavs might stop drinking turps substitute, White Ace and similar drain cleaning products which they buy for 59p a can. People who drink in pubs, instead of caning the stuff at home, at least have someone to look after them if they manage to get shitfaced. Even someone to stop serving them when they're incapable of coherent speech and motion.

And the other upside is that people might even talk to each other. They might even see how the powers-that-be are arse-raping them.

Can't see why this doesn't get implemented. Er, hang on ...


I don't like laws. Laws are often bollocks. They are made by man, born of woman, to control other men, born of women. They have no right to do that. But sometimes laws are a good thing. If there aren't too many of them, and they're sensible. And all they do is to guide people to do what is sensible, when those people are too fucking thick to work out that for themselves.

I've recently been travelling sur le continong, and various countries have different laws concerning their traffic. Some of them are a bit daft, to my mind. Like in Germany, they have this thing where, if you're in a built-up area, you have to slow down for every fucking junction and give way to cars pulling out in front of you on your right (which is, obviously, the side they drive on, or it would be even more silly). But if there's a yellow diamond, you don't. I know why they do this, it's to keep the traffic slow, and to make jobs for people who make and install yellow diamonds.

The Spanish have what I think is a brilliant idea, which is a traffic light on approach to a small town or village on a mainish road. If you approach it too fast, it goes red. You have to stop. It holds you up for a minute. Therefore, you don't speed through the village and kill their kids. And if you do go too fast, you hold up all the traffic behind you, and they all hoot at you and make "wanker" signs, and you feel a fool, and you don't do it again.

Here is a thing I would like to see become a law, and also the reasons why.

Lorries. I work in a place which is pretty full of lorry drivers most of the time. Salt of the earth. Also thick as planks, for the most part. Lorries are restricted by law to 56mph (which is near enough 90km/h so it isn't as daft as it seems). Some are governed so they CAN'T do more than that. But the governors aren't that accurate, so you'll get one doing 55, one doing 57, etc.

When one of these overtakes another, it can take a long time. Don't correct my maths here, because i know that it's inaccurate, and I know why, but it isn't significant enough to matter. When a lorry doing 57 mph overtakes one doing 55 mph, the difference is 2 mph. 2 mph is near enough 3 feet per second. A lorry is usually in the order of 30-something feet long, so for the faster one to pass the slower one takes approximately 90 seconds.

While this lorry is overtaking the other lorry, he is pissing off people like me, wasting fuel, causing accidents and generally behaving like a prick.

Now. If the lorry was doing 55 mph, and he was going 100 miles, he would take 109 minutes. If he managed to get up to 57 mph ALL of the journey (which would mean hogging the outside lane for EVER), he would take 105 minutes. A saving of just four minutes. My transport department tell me that he would use, on one of their tankers, roughly 5% more fuel too.

When he gets to his destination, he normally waits at a gate of some sort for some paperwork, so he can load or unload.

So, folks. Next time you see a lorry driver, tell him this, eh?

Or, perhaps, a law prohibiting these selfish, thick bastards from using any lane apart from the slow one, except to overtake tractors, would be a GOOD law?

What do people think? Especially lorry drivers?

Monday, 22 August 2011

People again.

People I met on the last tweet up.


  • Awesome. Just awesome.


  • I like Ange. She's cute. And she's genuinely nice too. 


  • Darth. Great chap. Comes complete with broken limbs as well.


  • Smiley fella. We like smiley fellas.


  • BRAVE girl. Had a fucked up back, didn't moan, wouldn't take a taxi. Top.


  • Poof. I kissed him. Not on the mouth, obviously. Nice guy, but a bit of a leftie. Good German, he speaks.


  • Norks.


  • Apparently a con artist. I prefer "suffering from something". Don't know what, not my place to say. I hope he gets better.


  • Chinaman with a huge truncheon, made me laugh like a drain.


  • Complete cunt.


  • Just lovely.


  • Lovely too. I'm not saying NORKS again. Deserves better.


  • Also lovely and has great friends. Which is nice.


  • Babe. And bought me an Ameretto. Star, therefore.


  • Not a poof. Why did I think he was? Been on the telly, by all accounts. Entertaining chap.


  • 44. So he says. Looks about 6. Great bloke. Very popular.


  • Completely wasted. Gay girls should all be ugly. Grr.


  • Laaaandan gel. Funny as fuck. Would pass the pencil test.


  • No way an MP. Too much of a decent chap.


  • If you could only go on the piss with one person, this would be the one.


  • Fat. Not Jacques. ALWAYS good value.

Not bad. Nice people.

You know, I don't know what most of them do, really. Nor they me. I don't care much.

Just be yourself. Especially you, Credo. You made me laugh.


When I was a pengy chick, Russia was EEEEVIL. I remember this from school, and my Dad. You weren't allowed to say anything, and you disappeared if you did, and were cast into a fiery pit. And taunted by the devil with a red-hot toasting fork.

I thought this was true until quite recently, when I got into a conversation with a Russian. On the web. He wrote a piece of software that I bought for $25. He was a decent bloke, although his name was Ivan. He wasn't at all terrible.

He said Russia was quite a nice place to live, and he was happy. And he had the internet. Weird.

I think I was lied to. I don't think my Dad would lie to me. So far as I know he never did. He just told me what he believed to be true. So did the teachers. Mind you, then, it was EEEEVIL to be a poof. Or mentally ill. Or get divorced. There were loads of EEEEVIL things, like not going to Sunday School.

Anyway, the Berlin Wall has been knocked down. You can go to Russia on an actual aeroplane. Or a cruise ship. Next year I will go there, via Latvia, Estonia, Dresden and Poland. Which shows how good my geography is.

Anyway. I have read the PM's Statement on Libya

It all seems fine. Apart from the actual words, and the content. Because to me, this sounds like the sort of bollocks I was fed when I was a lad.

I can find no evidence AT ALL of any goings-on which would justify any kind of insurgence in Libya. I'm looking for violent murders, public executions for stealing a chicken, that sort of thing.

Apparently, people are jailed if they disagree with the "regime". Let me offer you an experiment. Go to your local tax office and tell them you disagree with being robbed, and refuse to pay their extortionate demands. Or go to the Canaries, buy a suitcase full of fags and try to bring them in. Or distill your own whiskey. See what happens.

Apparently, if people REALLY disagree with the "regime", they sort of disappear. Dr David Kelly.

If you do stuff the "regime" doesn't like, over here, like nicking a bottle of water you might get 6 months chokey.

Of course, you can do paedophilia here, if you're a Met Policeman, and you get a draconian sentence of 9 months, following which you get a new identity and rehoused at the state's expense. Don't suppose you'd get that in Libya.

But I've asked people who've lived there, people who KNOW about Libya. And it isn't all evil. Apparently there is no free election, or democracy. You can't vote for someone such as UKIP, Libertarians, etc, and expect them to have even arse-end outside chance of getting in. Not like here in the UK.

But, of course, we are a GREAT country. 

I know this. The pilots enforcing the No Fly Zone in Libya have shown incredible bravery, professionalism and dedication. Or, to put it another way, done what they're told to do, and exactly what they are paid to do.

Now look, I'm not being stupid here, am I?

Someone disagree. Please?


I didn't mention the war, you know. Couple of weeks in and out of Germany and Austria, I bet I didn't mention it more than, say, a couple of dozen times. Brilliant.

But I went to Nürnberg. We call it Nuremberg, which is obviously correct, but the foreign johnnies call it Nürnberg.

Anyway, in Nürnberg there is a big concrete thingy called the Zeppelin Stadium or some such. It's pretty shit. Not many people go to see it. The car park is empty. It's like something out of a film where the Zombies take over the world and the only people left go to this monstrosity. Or something. I don't understand why.

When you see old footage of Hitler in black and white, that's the place where he's standing, addressing the masses. You can go up there. So I did. I stood exactly where Hitler stood. You can see the big square in front, and then the woods obscuring the huge road behind. They were only put there after the war. There is a full sized coliseum too, and lakes and stuff. Hitler had these built because he was a loon. A megalomaniac. A genocidal nutjob, come to that.

Anyway, I was with an older (yes, there is someone older than me) lady. She was born in East Germany and snuck over in 1960, just before the Berlin Wall was put up. She's well-educated, and an English teacher. I've seen the Hitler footage, and he came across as a loud-mouthed fuckwit. I also read Mein Kampf (in English), and it's the most boring book I've ever read apart from "Everyday uses of Portland Cement (2nd Edition)". So I asked Mrs Woman, to whom I shall refer as Ully, for that is her name, "how the actual fuck did this galloping knobwit manage to rally the people, then?" And she replied "Ah, because he was a brilliant speaker, an orator without equal, a believer in his cause."

That's how Germans talk, you see. Anyway, I realised that the reason I thought he was simply a loony is that I don't speak German. It would be like a dog listening to me, I suppose. All I can hear is the intonation. No words.

But then it occurred to me that maybe I can see through to the lunacy beneath because I don't understand the language. I only hear the music. Not the lyrics.

I don't know. But when I hear some of the tossers today, in politics, and just look at the way they present stuff, without hearing the words, you know, I think I see some of that same stuff. And that scares the shit out of me.

Try it. Watch Dishface Cameron, Militwonk, old footage of Bliar, Brown, Manglebum, and turn the sound off.

Be afraid.

Tell me if you're not. And send me some of what you're on.

Thursday, 4 August 2011


The words:

Will you save the Cardiff Kitty?
RSPCA is shitty.
Take it home and make it pretty?
Save the Cardiff cat.

They will feed it poison
Get a bloody move on.
Home that mog
You mutton wog
And save the Kitty from a fate much worse than

Death. You bastards
Save that pussy
Make it welcome now and don't be wussy
Save the cat. I plead profusely
Save the Cardiff cat.

The boyo:

Go on. Do better. And save THAT CAT.


I hate nasty things. I hate nasty films, even. Can't be doing with them. So why I visit torture chambers I have no idea.

This one was in England somewhere. Oop North. Can't remember. All torture chambers are pretty similar. This wasn't from all that long ago.

If you're like me you probably won't want to read any more. Don't.

There was a magistrates court next to the "prison". The accused went to the magistrates court if, for example, he stole a chicken. The magistrate sent him down if he didn't like the cut of his jib. No forensics.

There was this stone-floored shithole, with a hole in the floor to the cellar, about 20 feet down. But they didn't drop the convict down there, not just for stealing a chicken. Oh no. What they did was to tie his wrists together behind his back. Then pick him up, by the wrist-ropes, via a pulley in the ceiling. Then drop him. Halfway. If they didn't manage to dislocate his arms after a few goes of that, they tied a concrete weight to his feet and did it again. A few times.

Once they'd ripped his arms out of his sockets and dislocated his elbows and wrists, THEN they dropped him down the hole. Amazingly, some of them lived for months or years and were released.

The magistrates obviously went home and had a sumptuous meal and shag and stuff like that.

They were working for the state. The elected Parliament. Like we have now.

Yep, that was for stealing a chicken. I can't bring myself to relate what happened if they robbed the state. Or killed someone.

Personally, I'd rather be hanged. I really would.

But then, I'm not afraid of death.


Now. I asked the Twitterer known as Lord Credo, ex-government squirrel trainer, whether, if I blog something that "they" (and who are they? The spooks) won't like, will I wake up in a ditch? And he said no.

So I will.

You may like to try this experiment.

Get a member of your family to tell the Salvation Army that they haven't seen you for ages and you're dead worried.

This is what the Sallys will do. They will arrange for you to be contacted via your NHS details. A letter will arrive from the NHS, to you, with the Sally letter inside. DON'T answer it.

You'll get another. And another. And some of these letters will come from, and to, untold places. They'll go to places that you never knew you'd lived in. But more importantly, they'll come from a "unit". The government, or state, have loads of these units.

I'm not saying what these units are. But you know the data protection act, and they're not supposed to hold information about you that they won't reveal to you?

Well, bollocks. All I'm saying.

Off you go. Won't take long before you know what I know.

Oh, and if you don't hear from me, check the ditches.


LloydsTSB have lost £3,000,000,000.

Can't understand why.

I've just been down the bank to get out 200 Euros for the kids holidays.

I gave the chap my service card. They have a machine to read those. He didn't put it in though. He got a form out of the drawer, a triplicate form. He put some X's in it, then my account number and sort code and name. Written in capitals, in pen. He gave it to me to sign. He then got the key for the Euro Locker, and disappeared for ten minutes. He came back with Euros. He then typed into his workstation what he'd written on the form. He then went under the desk and turned it off and back on again. He then put those numbers in again and wiggled the touchpad a lot, then hit return about 15 times.

He then counted out the Euros. Twice. He returned to the touchpad for another wiggle. And a couple of returns for luck.

He tore off the front piece of the triplicate form and wrapped the Euros in it. He put one in the drawer, and one on the spike.

20 fucking minutes. The queue was out of the door when I left.

I don't know HOW they lost £3,000,000,000. No idea at all.

Someone will know why they do this.


I'm the only one who hasn't done death penalties yet.

So this is what I think. Probably.

I think our legal system is an abortion. Years ago, being a broadly Christian country, which is a bit odd, Jesus being from somewhere vaguely in the middle east who didn't speak any English, we based our few laws on the Ten Commandments.

The first three went to the wall ages ago. The God one, the idols one and the blasphemy one.

Then the next two went with the Sunday trading law and most people realising their parents were actually wronguns.

That's half of them. The other half are a bit different, and we sort of go with them. Apart from adultery, which appears to be pretty much mandatory. Oh, and coveting. That's wanting stuff you can't afford, pretty much. For that, there's VISA.

So we're left with theft, slander/libel, and murder.

Let's deal with these? Theft. Nicking stuff that isn't yours. Like tweets. Or simply unauthorised taking of money. The state does this one. Daily. Weapons-grade theft. But you mustn't. OK? Fair enough. And if you DO nick stuff from people then probably you should have to give it back, plus the same again. That would be fair and just, to my simple mind.

Slander/libel. That's where you say someone did something or said something, and they didn't. It's there so people can get rich by hoping someone will say or write something about them and then they can get a pile of compensation for it. I think that one's a bit silly, so scrap it.

That leaves murder. Murder is quite an easy one. It means that you kill someone, pretty much. There can be many reasons why you'd do this. Well, not YOU, obviously, but some people. Now, there is NO WAY on earth or in heaven that anything other than killing someone could be construed as punishable by death. No sir.

But, is it possible that, for those who are REALLY evil, their death is an appropriate punishment? I think so. I don't believe the maxim that "people only do evil, they are not evil". Because that's bollocks. Some people are evil. Hitler was evil, I reckon. He might have been mentally ill, but evil nevertheless. Happens now and again. Probably Saddam Hussein. Possibly more than one of our great illustrious leaders, not mentioning any Mandelsons. Or Blairs. Who killed people, not by pulling the trigger, but as good as.

Ever watched a film and hoped the evil baddie dies horribly, painfully and messily before the end? I have. And they usually do. Does that make me wrong? Evil? And you?

Right, this is what you're thinking now. What if someone is killed by the state and subsequently found to be not guilty? They've just been locked up for 25 years. That's OK. The state can compensate them by giving them a bucketload of cash. Yeah. Right. That's fair? Compensation? Fuck off. And this happens. And I KNOW, for a fact, that our legal system is a pile of steaming shit. Some ponced up twat with a degree in law smarming his way round a judge. There's NO FUCKING JUSTICE there. It's who can afford the best one wins. And I didn't make this shit up. I was told this by more than one solicitor, more than one barrister, and a judge.

Fred West, Myra Hindley, The Yorkshire Ripper, the Soham Cunt. If the proof was there ...

Now come on. Get off your "don't trust the state" high horse. No, I don't trust them either. I wouldn't trust them to look after my dog while I went to the shops. But, when it's proven, 100%, cut, dried. What do you REALLY think?

I'd pull the fucking lever.


I hate tribalists. Bloody people.

I know many who are tribalists. They are Tories. Evil Tories. And Socialists. And Liberals. They're all bonkers. I understand why they are ists. They are ists because they don't like the other ists.

So, socialists think Tories are evil. They think this because they think that the Tories are very rich and want the bosses to be very rich and the workers to go down the pit and die so the workers can wear top hats. No, really. They think the Tories want to close down the shitheap that the NHS has become and that if people want to live on McDonalds and pies and then get gastric bands to keep them alive so they can carry on eating McDonalds and pies, then that's OK, but the EVIL TORIES want to close that down and when they become obese, like Eric Pickles, they will be able to afford to go private with the money they stole from the oppressed workers. Really, they think that.

Tories hate socialists because socialists want people to come out of the pits and wear top hats, and they want Tories to pay for them. Really. And socialists want everyone to earn the same, because that's only fair. So Tories hate them.

Liberals hate everyone because they never get in to government. Unfortunately they're now in, with the Tories. So socialists hate them. And so do the Tories, because they can't do what they want. And now everyone hates them because Nick Clegg is a smug cunt.

But there are others. They are Libertarians. They want liberty. And freedom. And a smaller state. There are more and more of them. They don't hate anyone. Except other Libertarians.

And this is why they're all cunts. Because they don't fucking know WHAT they want. They know what they DON'T want. And they argue with each other about who is the best Libertarian. They'd be OK if someone uninvented the term Libertarianism, because then they wouldn't be ists. Then they could start again instead of trying to conform to something. They are non-conformists. Trying to conform to a paradigm of non-conformity.


I would like freedom (we don't have that much of it despite what you're spoon-fed) and liberty (ditto) and a VERY MUCH smaller state. I would like that quite a lot. But I'm not a Libertarian. I'm not an anything. Possibly anarchist is closest, because I don't believe that I, you or your hamster needs any sort of state. Society isn't a state. Bees have it. And ants. They do OK. They don't tend to murder each other too much. They sort of look up to the wisest bee or ant. And they do what they need to do to eat and shag.

That's just what I think. I hope someone argues, cos I'm bored out of my skull today.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011


Twitter is weird. I went for lunch yesterday with the lovely @_AngryM_. I follow her and she follows me. We both follow some other peeps, and some of them follow us. If you see what I mean.

I looked at her Blackberry (spits) and she looked at my iPhone (yay).

But looking at her timeline it was like a different app altogether.

Odd. Maybe it's just me. I invited some peeps to our tweetup (pissup) and she had no idea who they were. Nor did I, come to that.

Maybe it's just me. Probably is.

Microcosms and shit.

That's all.


I have been asked by people about people.

The people who were with me last night, for the benefit of those who didn't know them and still don't.

If I missed you, tell me.

In no order at all:


Not bad. Nice people.

Monday, 1 August 2011


Hello, Metropolitan Police.

I understand you're looking for information about anarchists? According to the Guardian, you are.

Here I am. I'm an anarchist. An anarchist is someone who espouses the philosophy that the state is useless, undesirable and harmful. Yup, that's me.

I'm afraid I don't yet go round setting fire to great public buildings, although there are a few shoved up in the 60's that desperately need it. But I can tell you that the state, as it is today, is all of the above. It's actually one big mindjob that is self-perpetuating, a huge waste of time and money and resource.

My kids told me the other day that anarchists are evil. They learned this at school. It's OK, I've put them right. They're anarchists too, now. I call them Spartacus and Spartacus. If possible, perhaps you'd put them in the same chokey as me, if that's possible, as I'd like to see that they are not brainwashed any more than they have been already.

Anyway, if you want me, Google will give you the IP address. Or simply leave an email address or phone number in the comments, and I'll pop round. I'll be in London all day tomorrow, so if you let me know which Nick you like me to come to in order to hand myself in, that'll save time. I shall probably be shitfaced.

Alternatively, there was a cop, one of yours, the Met, who had paedo photos of my kids. He got 2½ years for it. He knows where I am. I don't have his address, as he was out in 9 months and was given another identity. By you, I assume. And is now anonymously sitting somewhere, probably at a PC, grooming his next victims.

Anyway. Bye for now.

Oh, by the way. I think I might be the only anarchist, actually. Perhaps if there are any others they could say so in the comments.

Jesus (aka Spartacus).