Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Monday, 26 March 2012

Gis a Job

Not me. This is for someone else.

She's in Glasgow. Only reason I'm doing this is cos the girl tries like fuck. She's talented as hell but will do anything within reason, cash would be nice. Anything considered.

So, if you, or anyone you know, is in.near Glasgow and wants stuff, for FUCK'S SAKE say so.

Because, and I mean this, this girl has applied for EVERYTHING, and job sites and job agencies and jobcentre plus are ALL CUNTS.

Jesus. If you could get marks for trying, she'd already be Prime Minister.

So, anything from washing up to playing piano for your party, folks. PLEASE.

The Penguin is asking. You know what to do.

How to get a job

I haven't tried to get a job in eons. Jobs have always come to me.

I have huge experience and a CV the size of Belgium.

There are jobs about, they are advertised daily. They are all through agencies.

You send the agency the CV.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's on the phone.

You ring the agent. He's OFF THE PHONE!

You explain to him that you can do the job, because he is about six, and understands neither the requirements not your skills.

You assume that when he says he's sent your CV to the customer, that he has. because he won't tell you who it is.

You chase him on a daily basis. He says the customer hasn't come back to him. On a daily basis.

You think, quite rightly, that these agencies are all competing for the same business, badly, and they are entirely staffed by cunts.

You seriously consider burning down their offices.

More as it happens ...

Wednesday, 21 March 2012


When still Chancellor, Alastair Darling got a bill passed. It was this.

It says that the government borrowing must decrease year on year, by law.

Now then. Lefties. Stop moaning about this budget. Because it was YOUR lot who imposed it.

Nuff said?


Tuesday, 20 March 2012


Maggie Thatcher once said "There is no society. There are individual men and women, and there are families." She was so wrong.

There are politicians. There are those such as Prescott, a Cruise Ship lackey (he avoided National Service by joining the Merchant Navy and worked as a steward and waiter), there are those such as Tony Blair (a more educated man who managed three terms as Prime Minister and left just before the shit hit the fan) and his hapless successor, the bigoted monocular Gordon Brown, son of the Manse, and predictably Scottish bloke trying to better himself by telling the English what to do. Then there is Mandelson (spits). And Campbell. Cunt.

There are people. They are like you, or me. They sit there and work their bunnies off, trying to make ends meet, until the politicians want more money (and don't start about the bloody debt, that can be addressed) so they simply get more money through this TAX thing. Random.

WHY do you stupid bastards go "left" and "right"? Do you not understand they're all the bloody same? What the FUCK is wrong with you people?

Maggie gave you a clue. There IS no society. In a way, she was right. There are individual men and women, and there are families. IN ADDITION, there is an oligarchy, an insidious undercurrent of upcoming politic-fodder. It can join one of the established parties, and often does, or one of the "lesser" ones, such as UKIP.

What I know is that I don't have a choice. I can vote for someone whose entire raison d'etre is to steal my cash and feather their own nest. Then try to win votes with the rest.

I find this offensive.

So I stroll on to Twitter, and read about PMQs, football, or worse. Big fucking Brother. If that doesn't work, they'll cow out a thing about fat gypsys and weddings or some shit.

I'm sorry you wasted your time following me. Either I am, or you are, stupid. I don't want to deal with that.

I made some great friends on Twitter.

If you're one of them, you have my email or my phone number, or you know someone who does.

Night, folks.



I see a job vacancy. It asks for a minimum of three years experience of NINETEEN different disciplines.

I have all of them. For thirteen years. Some, for much more than this.

In addition I have a dozen or so other skills.

The CUNTING AGENT will not put me forward to the FUCKING CUSTOMER because he says they want 100% what the JOB TITLE IS. As in he does NOT WANT the OTHER DOZEN SKILLS.



Give me three reasons why I should not go to his office and set fire to it, with him in it. Apart from the obvious arson one.



I don't know why Dennis hit Rula, nor do you. I guess they both do.

A while back my now ex wife drank too much, we had an argument. She locked the door so I couldn't walk away. She punched me, kicked me in the legs and the face, threw an ashtray at my head and broke a chair over my back. I had a broken collar bone and finger, and much bleeding

I phoned the police and asked them to arrest me so she wouldn't get hurt. I sometimes wish I'd just twatted the bitch.

Now shut the fuck up about your bad boy Dennis Waterman, let's have a campaign, shit.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Fuck off, Max

Dear Max

I am sorely disappointed that, despite my suitability for the role for which I applied over a week ago, you have not even managed to put me in contact with your client, let alone arranged an interview.

It is clear to me that you understand neither the client's requirement nor my CV. In fact, I would venture to suggest that you are acting parasitically and are of no benefit to either party in this matter.

Accordingly, I am binning this prospect and shall not contemplate using your agency ever again.

I shall pursue other avenues even though I was extremely keen on this particular position, as you know.

What I'm actually trying to say is fuck off. There.


25 minutes later I got an interview arranged.

The lion and the mouse

There's an old fable about a lion in the jungle, and a mouse. The lion gets a thorn stuck in its foot, and the mouse takes it out. I don't know if lions eat mice, but they might. Anyway, the lion doesn't eat this one. And one day some time later, the mouse is about to be eaten by something that DOES eat mice, and the lion turns up at the right time and scares the other animal away.

Some time ago when I had a job, there was an engineer who was supposed to turn up to fix something. He didn't turn up. My boss was livid and, being a bit of an arse, got on to the guy's head office and demanded his head on a plate. I, in the meantime, texted the engineer, and was answered by his girlfriend who said he'd had a dizzy attack, so I fixed the broken thing myself and explained to the boss that he was, in fact, being an arse and he should back off. The engineer found out about this and thinks I'm brilliant. Which I'm not.

Anyway, I'm off for an interview for a job with the firm that this engineer works at.

I think I'll get it.

Unless it's the story about the mouse and the lion where the mouse meets the lion a year later and says hello, and the lion eats the mouse. It was the wrong lion.

*fingers crossed*