Mostly Bollogs, I'm afraid

But occasionally, a glimmer of truth.
If you find one, please let me know.

Monday, 11 October 2010


A Twitster yesterday twoth that she had, unaided and unabetted by any male, successfully assembled a piece of flatpack furniture.

Git that I am, I casually mentioned that my nine year-old girl makes these. Sometimes with a bit of help from her eleven year-old sister, very occasionally with a bit of guidance from me.

But I think that anything creative is a good thing. Especially trying to decipher the pictures which are meant to be the equivalent of multi-lingual instructions on the cheap. Trying to line up the mis-drilled holes. Wondering why there is at least one screw/bolt/dowel left over.

The Twitster in question was my MP, Ms @LouiseBagshawe. She writes books. Not books I'd read - they're called chicklit. Sort of girly books. Like Sparkles. I don't know what book-writers get paid, but I should imagine that they get more than the girl who works behind the till in the One-Stop. I expect, though I don't know, that Ms Bagshawe, MP, could afford to get a bed from a posh shop and get it delivered. And probably get someone to make it up for here every day as well.

I disagree with nearly everything Louise says. She's a staunch supporter of the smoking ban, she must have voted for continued carnage in Afghanistan, as she wasn't one of the ten who voted against, she's a feminist ... I like feminists, actually, I think they're cute.

Ms Bagshawe went to Oxford Uni, so she's probably posh/lucky/well-orf. I've spoken to her though, and she doesn't sound that posh to me, she sounds quite normal, and quite nice too. I think she's got her head screwed on and her heart's in the right place.

And she's made flatpack furniture. That tells me a lot. That tells me she's real. And I'm proud of her (but don't tell her, obv).

You know what I'd REALLY like to see? Remember the programme "The Generation Game" where the contestants had to do some silly task, demonstrated to them first by an "expert"? I'd like to see Cambo, Cleggy, Miliballs et al assemble an Ikea chest of drawers.

Because I don't think they'd get past opening the box.


Anonymous said...

You make Ms Bagshawe sound quite wonderful! My own opinion is that flat-pack assembly could replace many of those personality/mensa/logic tests beloved by so many employers. Keeping calm in the face of too many or too few pieces is a real test for anyone.

Have to agree on the Cambo, Clegg, Milliballs, don't think they would do quite so well. Probably have the instructions the wrong way up:)

Nice post.....

SadButMadLad said...

One of the many jobs I've done in my life included assembling Ikea furniture for people who had bought them but then found out that they couldn't make them. 1/3 were men. Sometimes I didn't even need to RTFM ;-)

Just Woke Up said...

"Probably have the instructions the wrong way up:)"

The instructions would need to be in 17 written languages and braille. H&S Manual would need to be written for said assembly project. 2 qualified H&S personnel to be present during works. Procurement department plus translators needed to buy extensive tooling from British Aerospace or NASA however this would need to be tendered across the EU, requiring contractual advisors and project management personnel. Chancellor would need to be consulted on budgetary expectations and advised of over-runs but this could be construed as anti-competitive and possible corruption so a spin doctor and PR person would be needed to bury the story. All electrical equipment used in the assembly would need to use power from a renewable energy source so this would involved the construction of a wind farm or a solar entrapmemnt and processing facility. This strategy would need revised once it became apparent that the energy source was unreliable and the UK does not have sufficient energy storage capacity to keep the engines of industry moving when the wind isn't blowing. A meditation room would then be needed to calm down prospective assemblers due to the reliability frustrations with energy supply. Then there would need to be input from Trades Unions, Local Authorities, private investors, HMRC, more legal advice and a number of Governmental Bodies. AS all prospective assemblers are white males the EHRC would need consulted to ensure that a Hate Crime is not taking pace and Equality Laws are being complied with. An Equality advisor would be needed. A standby Muslim, Pole, and Caribbean would be needed to join the team in case there is any criticism for lack of diversity. Proposals would be needed to offer public reassurance that no lesser spotted dragonflies or horned newts would be harmed in the making of the furniture, followed by University studies, Field Studies, and monitoring programmes. Assemblers would need to attend H&S courses in manual handling, use of power tools, use of hand tools, and first aid certification. A Health monitoring programme would need to be established to ensure assemblers are not affected by dust arising from wood components. The whole operation would require supervision by a suitably qualified person employing the services of private advisors. The finished bed would need fully tested to EN standards by an EU approved body. 10:10 will need to advise on eco matters during all stages, stamp the finished product as being within agreed carbon limits, and then produce a publicly funded film for the benefit of all future assemblers of similar furniture involving large quantities of fake blood and meat produced in accordance with current environmental propaganda....sorry......guideline.A recycling policy would need developed and kept in safe storage for use at the end-of-life of the bed. This will require three case studies and the employment of a multi-national corporation with expertise in recycling and sufficient spare carbon credits. A party celebrating this major national achievement will be held on board the yacht of Timor Yorgashev, the international arms dealer and friend to Governments around the world. MI6 will monitor all conversations and use paid insiders to duplicate copies of paperwork.

Cheaper to just buy a finished bed!