Lorries

I don't like laws. Laws are often bollocks. They are made by man, born of woman, to control other men, born of women. They have no right to do that. But sometimes laws are a good thing. If there aren't too many of them, and they're sensible. And all they do is to guide people to do what is sensible, when those people are too fucking thick to work out that for themselves.

I've recently been travelling sur le continong, and various countries have different laws concerning their traffic. Some of them are a bit daft, to my mind. Like in Germany, they have this thing where, if you're in a built-up area, you have to slow down for every fucking junction and give way to cars pulling out in front of you on your right (which is, obviously, the side they drive on, or it would be even more silly). But if there's a yellow diamond, you don't. I know why they do this, it's to keep the traffic slow, and to make jobs for people who make and install yellow diamonds.

The Spanish have what I think is a brilliant idea, which is a traffic light on approach to a small town or village on a mainish road. If you approach it too fast, it goes red. You have to stop. It holds you up for a minute. Therefore, you don't speed through the village and kill their kids. And if you do go too fast, you hold up all the traffic behind you, and they all hoot at you and make "wanker" signs, and you feel a fool, and you don't do it again.

Here is a thing I would like to see become a law, and also the reasons why.

Lorries. I work in a place which is pretty full of lorry drivers most of the time. Salt of the earth. Also thick as planks, for the most part. Lorries are restricted by law to 56mph (which is near enough 90km/h so it isn't as daft as it seems). Some are governed so they CAN'T do more than that. But the governors aren't that accurate, so you'll get one doing 55, one doing 57, etc.

When one of these overtakes another, it can take a long time. Don't correct my maths here, because i know that it's inaccurate, and I know why, but it isn't significant enough to matter. When a lorry doing 57 mph overtakes one doing 55 mph, the difference is 2 mph. 2 mph is near enough 3 feet per second. A lorry is usually in the order of 30-something feet long, so for the faster one to pass the slower one takes approximately 90 seconds.

While this lorry is overtaking the other lorry, he is pissing off people like me, wasting fuel, causing accidents and generally behaving like a prick.

Now. If the lorry was doing 55 mph, and he was going 100 miles, he would take 109 minutes. If he managed to get up to 57 mph ALL of the journey (which would mean hogging the outside lane for EVER), he would take 105 minutes. A saving of just four minutes. My transport department tell me that he would use, on one of their tankers, roughly 5% more fuel too.

When he gets to his destination, he normally waits at a gate of some sort for some paperwork, so he can load or unload.

So, folks. Next time you see a lorry driver, tell him this, eh?

Or, perhaps, a law prohibiting these selfish, thick bastards from using any lane apart from the slow one, except to overtake tractors, would be a GOOD law?

What do people think? Especially lorry drivers?

People again.

People I met on the last tweet up.

Me

• Awesome. Just awesome.

@_AngryM_

• I like Ange. She's cute. And she's genuinely nice too. 

@DarthMeerkat

• Darth. Great chap. Comes complete with broken limbs as well.

@mario426

• Smiley fella. We like smiley fellas.

@Girlie4

• BRAVE girl. Had a fucked up back, didn't moan, wouldn't take a taxi. Top.

@PME200

• Poof. I kissed him. Not on the mouth, obviously. Nice guy, but a bit of a leftie. Good German, he speaks.

@fleetstreetfox

• Norks.

@Lord_Credo

• Apparently a con artist. I prefer "suffering from something". Don't know what, not my place to say. I hope he gets better.

@Art_Li

• Chinaman with a huge truncheon, made me laugh like a drain.

@obotheclown

• Complete cunt.

@StarShaped_Girl

• Just lovely.

@NikNakOnCrack

• Lovely too. I'm not saying NORKS again. Deserves better.

@browneyedsally

• Also lovely and has great friends. Which is nice.

@machecazzodici

• Babe. And bought me an Ameretto. Star, therefore.

@reporterboy

• Not a poof. Why did I think he was? Been on the telly, by all accounts. Entertaining chap.

@MarkStamps

• 44. So he says. Looks about 6. Great bloke. Very popular.

@feinics11

• Completely wasted. Gay girls should all be ugly. Grr.

@ThatSpidey

• Laaaandan gel. Funny as fuck. Would pass the pencil test.

@PeterMannionMP

• No way an MP. Too much of a decent chap.

@MisanthropeGirl

• If you could only go on the piss with one person, this would be the one.

@Fat_Jacques

• Fat. Not Jacques. ALWAYS good value.

Not bad. Nice people.

You know, I don't know what most of them do, really. Nor they me. I don't care much.

Just be yourself. Especially you, Credo. You made me laugh.

Libya

When I was a pengy chick, Russia was EEEEVIL. I remember this from school, and my Dad. You weren't allowed to say anything, and you disappeared if you did, and were cast into a fiery pit. And taunted by the devil with a red-hot toasting fork.

I thought this was true until quite recently, when I got into a conversation with a Russian. On the web. He wrote a piece of software that I bought for $25. He was a decent bloke, although his name was Ivan. He wasn't at all terrible.

He said Russia was quite a nice place to live, and he was happy. And he had the internet. Weird.

I think I was lied to. I don't think my Dad would lie to me. So far as I know he never did. He just told me what he believed to be true. So did the teachers. Mind you, then, it was EEEEVIL to be a poof. Or mentally ill. Or get divorced. There were loads of EEEEVIL things, like not going to Sunday School.

Anyway, the Berlin Wall has been knocked down. You can go to Russia on an actual aeroplane. Or a cruise ship. Next year I will go there, via Latvia, Estonia, Dresden and Poland. Which shows how good my geography is.

Anyway. I have read the PM's Statement on Libya. 

It all seems fine. Apart from the actual words, and the content. Because to me, this sounds like the sort of bollocks I was fed when I was a lad.

I can find no evidence AT ALL of any goings-on which would justify any kind of insurgence in Libya. I'm looking for violent murders, public executions for stealing a chicken, that sort of thing.

Apparently, people are jailed if they disagree with the "regime". Let me offer you an experiment. Go to your local tax office and tell them you disagree with being robbed, and refuse to pay their extortionate demands. Or go to the Canaries, buy a suitcase full of fags and try to bring them in. Or distill your own whiskey. See what happens.

Apparently, if people REALLY disagree with the "regime", they sort of disappear. Dr David Kelly.

If you do stuff the "regime" doesn't like, over here, like nicking a bottle of water you might get 6 months chokey.

Of course, you can do paedophilia here, if you're a Met Policeman, and you get a draconian sentence of 9 months, following which you get a new identity and rehoused at the state's expense. Don't suppose you'd get that in Libya.

But I've asked people who've lived there, people who KNOW about Libya. And it isn't all evil. Apparently there is no free election, or democracy. You can't vote for someone such as UKIP, Libertarians, etc, and expect them to have even arse-end outside chance of getting in. Not like here in the UK.

But, of course, we are a GREAT country. 

I know this. The pilots enforcing the No Fly Zone in Libya have shown incredible bravery, professionalism and dedication. Or, to put it another way, done what they're told to do, and exactly what they are paid to do.

Now look, I'm not being stupid here, am I?

Someone disagree. Please?

Hitler

I didn't mention the war, you know. Couple of weeks in and out of Germany and Austria, I bet I didn't mention it more than, say, a couple of dozen times. Brilliant.

But I went to Nürnberg. We call it Nuremberg, which is obviously correct, but the foreign johnnies call it Nürnberg.

Anyway, in Nürnberg there is a big concrete thingy called the Zeppelin Stadium or some such. It's pretty shit. Not many people go to see it. The car park is empty. It's like something out of a film where the Zombies take over the world and the only people left go to this monstrosity. Or something. I don't understand why.

When you see old footage of Hitler in black and white, that's the place where he's standing, addressing the masses. You can go up there. So I did. I stood exactly where Hitler stood. You can see the big square in front, and then the woods obscuring the huge road behind. They were only put there after the war. There is a full sized coliseum too, and lakes and stuff. Hitler had these built because he was a loon. A megalomaniac. A genocidal nutjob, come to that.

Anyway, I was with an older (yes, there is someone older than me) lady. She was born in East Germany and snuck over in 1960, just before the Berlin Wall was put up. She's well-educated, and an English teacher. I've seen the Hitler footage, and he came across as a loud-mouthed fuckwit. I also read Mein Kampf (in English), and it's the most boring book I've ever read apart from "Everyday uses of Portland Cement (2nd Edition)". So I asked Mrs Woman, to whom I shall refer as Ully, for that is her name, "how the actual fuck did this galloping knobwit manage to rally the people, then?" And she replied "Ah, because he was a brilliant speaker, an orator without equal, a believer in his cause."

That's how Germans talk, you see. Anyway, I realised that the reason I thought he was simply a loony is that I don't speak German. It would be like a dog listening to me, I suppose. All I can hear is the intonation. No words.

But then it occurred to me that maybe I can see through to the lunacy beneath because I don't understand the language. I only hear the music. Not the lyrics.

I don't know. But when I hear some of the tossers today, in politics, and just look at the way they present stuff, without hearing the words, you know, I think I see some of that same stuff. And that scares the shit out of me.

Try it. Watch Dishface Cameron, Militwonk, old footage of Bliar, Brown, Manglebum, and turn the sound off.

Be afraid.

Tell me if you're not. And send me some of what you're on.

Cat

The words:


Will you save the Cardiff Kitty?
RSPCA is shitty.
Take it home and make it pretty?
Save the Cardiff cat.

They will feed it poison
Get a bloody move on.
Home that mog
You mutton wog
And save the Kitty from a fate much worse than

Death. You bastards
Save that pussy
Make it welcome now and don't be wussy
Save the cat. I plead profusely
Save the Cardiff cat.

The boyo:

http://audioboo.fm/boos/430609-save-the-cardiff-cat

Go on. Do better. And save THAT CAT.

Torture

I hate nasty things. I hate nasty films, even. Can't be doing with them. So why I visit torture chambers I have no idea.

This one was in England somewhere. Oop North. Can't remember. All torture chambers are pretty similar. This wasn't from all that long ago.

If you're like me you probably won't want to read any more. Don't.

There was a magistrates court next to the "prison". The accused went to the magistrates court if, for example, he stole a chicken. The magistrate sent him down if he didn't like the cut of his jib. No forensics.

There was this stone-floored shithole, with a hole in the floor to the cellar, about 20 feet down. But they didn't drop the convict down there, not just for stealing a chicken. Oh no. What they did was to tie his wrists together behind his back. Then pick him up, by the wrist-ropes, via a pulley in the ceiling. Then drop him. Halfway. If they didn't manage to dislocate his arms after a few goes of that, they tied a concrete weight to his feet and did it again. A few times.

Once they'd ripped his arms out of his sockets and dislocated his elbows and wrists, THEN they dropped him down the hole. Amazingly, some of them lived for months or years and were released.

The magistrates obviously went home and had a sumptuous meal and shag and stuff like that.

They were working for the state. The elected Parliament. Like we have now.

Yep, that was for stealing a chicken. I can't bring myself to relate what happened if they robbed the state. Or killed someone.

Personally, I'd rather be hanged. I really would.

But then, I'm not afraid of death.

Ditch

Now. I asked the Twitterer known as Lord Credo, ex-government squirrel trainer, whether, if I blog something that "they" (and who are they? The spooks) won't like, will I wake up in a ditch? And he said no.

So I will.

You may like to try this experiment.

Get a member of your family to tell the Salvation Army that they haven't seen you for ages and you're dead worried.

This is what the Sallys will do. They will arrange for you to be contacted via your NHS details. A letter will arrive from the NHS, to you, with the Sally letter inside. DON'T answer it.

You'll get another. And another. And some of these letters will come from, and to, untold places. They'll go to places that you never knew you'd lived in. But more importantly, they'll come from a "unit". The government, or state, have loads of these units.

I'm not saying what these units are. But you know the data protection act, and they're not supposed to hold information about you that they won't reveal to you?

Well, bollocks. All I'm saying.

Off you go. Won't take long before you know what I know.

Oh, and if you don't hear from me, check the ditches.