The Falkland Islands are in the news. Well, they were, a few days ago. Rely on me to be last to know.
But, as Peter Falk, star of Columbo, died recently, I am mindful that Falkery, like Fawkes, must never be forgot.
Here is my take on it, just in case I had any friends at all left.
The Falkland Islands is a group of Islands in the South Atlantic Ocean. Its Capital city, or town, or village really, is Stanley, which is not unlike Royston Vasey (apart from the airport). The weather is shit.
When the British Empire was around, we probably robbed it from someone like Argentina. Argentina is famous for Fray Bentos.
In 1982 Argentina wanted to nick it back. They should have asked, because I'm pretty sure our Maggie (who was the Prime Minister) would have given it to them in exchange for a year's supply of those tinned Steak and Kidney Pies with the magic pastry. I would have done. But they didn't. So we sent at least one of the Royal Family over in a helicopter, along with some soldiers, and nicked it back. Argentina lost the General Belgrano (a ship) which was a bit of a bugger for them. Quite an expensive ship.
Anyway, now, some pillock who lives there wants to be Argentinian. Something to do with his wife/bird/mother of his kids living in Argentina. Or something.
So, some Argentinian politician says "Therefore we can have the Falklands back" and Cameron (another politician) says "The Falklanders can be British as long as they want".
What I remember about the Falklands War is that Terry Wogan was in the charts with "The Floral Dance", Mark Knopfler was in the charts with Dire Straits (appropriately), I think with "Romeo and Juliet", I knocked the wall down in my house and it fell through the floor, I failed to pay my office rent because I spunked the profits on beer, so got slung out, I made thousands of pounds in cash (say no more), and I got divorced. Additionally, the Sun had a headline about Argy Bargies. People all thought Maggie was a bit daft about it.
I hope we don't fight over it again.
I also don't understand why people are so possessive about things, and why we can't just eat more Steak and Kidney Pies and live together in peace and harmony.
But the bottom line is that I wanted to show you this black penguin who lives off (quite a long way off) the coast of the Falklands. linky, and also draw your attention to the fact that the Humboldt Penguin is endangered by the people of Peru who steal their guano for fertiliser. The Humboldt Pengy hatches its eggs in guano, because it keeps them warm. And these guano-stealers are Peruvian. And Peru is in South America, like Argentina is.
I think that's a lot more important than politicians. Penguins have done nothing to deserve your detestation and disgust. Most politicians have.